Anecdotal jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
A guy walks into a bar with a black eye. They ask what happened. He says, “Well, I was in church and we all stood up to sing. There was a big woman in front of me and I couldn’t help but notice that her dress didn’t fall properly, as some of it was bunched up in her butt area. I tried to look away, but I just couldn’t, so I reached forward, gave the dress a little tug, and it improved. But she immediately turned around and punched me in the eye!”
Clarence goes downtown to buy an inexpensive, or rather, a cheap suit.
He goes into one store and every suit is $50 as is. The closest one to his size had the right leg 3 inches longer than the left one and the left jacket sleeve was three inches longer than the right.
The store owner commented, “You can’t expect much for $50. But here is what you do. As you walk around in the suit, hike up your right hip so the pant legs will look the same size. Do the same thing with your left shoulder and the sleeves will look OK.”
Clarence agrees and starts to walk to his car. As he does, he passes two ministers walking with one another.
After they pass, one of the ministers says to the other, “Wow, it must be difficult for him to walk around.”
“I know, but his suit fits perfectly.”
A prostitute approaches a guy. “Hey babe, do you want to have sex for $400?”
Guy: “Funny that you ask, I could use that money very well.”
A guy walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat in tow. They take a seat and the man orders a round of drinks. The barman serves the guy but doesn’t say anything — just watches the guy with his ostrich and cat intently.
I just found out my girlfriend isn’t a virgin.
Her kids and I are shocked.
My grandfather was highly decorated in World War Two.
In fact, many people believe it was the tinsel on his helmet that got him shot.
A sailor on leave in the south Pacific finds that his whoring and carrying on has caught up with him and he’s come down with a horrible venereal disease of some kind. So, he consults the ship’s surgeon and is mortified when the doctor tells him that there’s nothing else for it — the organ must be amputated.
Little sparrow was flying south, running away from winter. Unfortunately it was so cold, that the bird froze and fell onto a pasture. A cow was passing by and took a dump on the bird. Because the turd was warm, it thawed the sparrow and it started feeling better. He sat in the turd, and soon he felt so happy that it started chirping. But a cat was passing nearby, who heard the bird’s song, then pulled it out of the turd and ate it.
The CEO of a company was in need of a secretary.
He spread ads all over town. A few days later, there was a knock on his door. It was a dog. He had a newspaper in his mouth. He opened it to the classifieds page and pointed to the ad that the CEO had placed. The CEO was impressed. But he thought it was a joke, so he decided to test the dog:
“Look, I need a secretary who understands the basics of computers.”
The dog went to one of the secretary’s desks, climbed on the chair, turned on the computer and the printer in total tranquility.
The CEO was amazed, but decided to go further:
“That’s good, but I need a secretary who understands spreadsheets.”
The dog quickly opened Excel, scanned rows and columns of data and then used pivot tables to create dashboards of charts. The astonished CEO desperately followed:
“Well, that’s really fantastic, but my secretary must be bilingual!”
The dog replied: “Meow.”
