Joke Type: anecdotal

Anecdotal jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Calling In Sick

    A guy calls in sick to work. His boss doesn’t believe him and calls him back.

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    The boss says, “You don’t sound sick.”

    The guy answers, “I’m in bed fucking my sister, is that sick enough for you?”

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  • Tied to the Railroad Tracks

    A guy was walking to a bar, and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks. He untied her and they had sex.

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    He gets to the bar. Friends ask why he’s so late. He tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they fucked in.

    Friends give him props and ask if he got head. The guy replies, “I couldn’t find it.”

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  • At the Top of the Cliff

    A woman is at the top of a cliff working up the nerve to jump to her death when a smelly homeless person walks up and says, “Hey lady, if you are going to jump, why don’t we have sex first?”

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    She yells, “No! Get away from me!”

    So the homeless guy says, “Fine! I’ll just wait at the bottom.”

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  • Chili at the West Texas Cafe

    A young cowboy walked into a seedy cafe in a small town in West Texas. He sat down at the counter and noticed an older cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a bowl of chili.

    After about 15 minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked, “If you ain’t goin’ to eat that, do ya mind if I do?”

    The older cowboy slowly turned his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner said, “Nah. Go ahead.”

    Eagerly, the young cowboy reached over and slid the bowl over to his place and started spooning it in with delight. He got nearly down to the bottom before noticing a rotten dead rat in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately upchucked the chili into the bowl.

    The old cowboy quietly said, “Yep, that’s as far as I got, too…”

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  • The Missionary and the Chief

    There was once a missionary preaching in a small African tribe. The people there loved him, and every day more were converted.

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    But one day, a white baby was born to one of the women in the tribe. The chief immediately sent for the missionary and demanded to know why he had broken the commandments he had so lovingly taught to his people.

    The missionary, having been a devout Christian his entire life, asked to see the child. Upon viewing the baby, it became clear that this baby was an albino. The missionary attempted to explain this to the chief, saying: “Chief, this child suffers from a condition of the skin which changed its color to white. As an example, look upon your flocks of sheep. All are white, except for one which is black.”

    The chief cut him off, saying, “OK, I won’t tell about the baby, if you don’t tell about the sheep.”

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  • A Blind Man Walks Into a Store

    A blind man walks into a store with his seeing-eye dog. Once inside, he suddenly picks up the dog by its leash and begins swinging it around in circles over his head.

    The panicked store manager runs up and asks, “Sir, sir! Can I help you?”

    The man replies, “No thank you. Just looking around.”

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  • A Survivor in Heaven

    A survivor of the Holocaust dies and goes to heaven, whereupon they are met by God.

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    “Welcome!” says God. “What’s the news from Earth?”

    “Well,” says the survivor, “I learned a funny joke. Want to hear it?”

    “Sure,” says God.

    The survivor starts telling the joke. “Okay, so one day Hitler announces, ‘I’m going to kill 6 million Jews and 1 clown.’”

    “Wait,” says God, “Why 1 clown?”

    “Aha! See? No one cares about the Jews!”

    There’s a beat. God realizes that was the punchline.

    God is not amused. “I don’t find Holocaust jokes very funny.”

    “Ah, well, I guess you had to be there.”

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  • Overnight at the Grandkids

    Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their grandkids overnight.

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    When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his grandson’s medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

    The grandson said, “I don’t think you should take one. They’re very strong and very expensive.”

    “How much?” asked Grandpa.

    “$20 a pill,” he replied.

    “I don’t care,” said Grandpa. “I’d still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I’ll put the money under the pillow.”

    The next morning, the grandson found $120 under his pillow.

    He called Grandpa and said, “I told you each pill was $20, not $120.”

    “I know,” said Grandpa. “The hundred is from Grandma!”

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  • Walking Her to the Front Door

    A guy walks his girlfriend to her front door after a date. He leans lazily against the house.

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    “So?” he says.

    “So?” she replies.

    “So, how about a blowjob?”

    “Are you crazy? My parents might see us!”

    “Come on, who’s going to see us at this hour? I’ll return the favour.”

    “Can you imagine if we got caught? Oh my god, what my father would do to you.”

    “There’s no one around. They’re all asleep.”

    “No way, it’s far too risky.”

    “But I love you so much.”

    A light comes on and the front door opens. The girl’s sister appears in her night clothes. She says, “Dad says to go ahead and give him a blowjob. Or I can do it. Or if needs be, he’ll do it himself. But for god’s sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom.”

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  • Neighbor Can’t Sleep at 2am

    My neighbor knocked on my door at 2am this morning and said, “I can’t sleep.”

    “Well it’s your lucky day,” I said. “We’ve got a party going on in here, come in.”