Joke Type: anecdotal

Anecdotal jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Birds and Bees: A Comedy of Misunderstandings

    My mother told my father to tell me about the birds and the bees. He took me to Coney Island, pointed to a couple making love under the boardwalk, and said, “Your mother wants you to know that the birds and the bees do the same thing.” –George Burns

    A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it. A boy handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, “My mom says I can take the course as long as there’s no homework.”

    “Mom, I’m pregnant.”
    “How can that be? What did I tell you about sex?”
    “That I should take measures. That’s what I did! I took measures and then went with the biggest.”

    “Sex education has its own special problems,” an instructor in the field pointed out to me. “One of my students has become pregnant, and I don’t know whether to flunk her or give her extra credit.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Grandma’s Shock at Modern Sex Education Curriculum

    Grandma, who was living with her daughter’s family, let her 11-year-old grandson in from school. “What did you learn today?” she asked.

    “Sex education. All about penises and vaginas and intercourse and stuff,” he replied matter-of-factly.

    The old woman was shocked and reported the conversation to her daughter.

    Her daughter replied, “Mom, this is the Nineties. These days it’s all part of the curriculum.”

    A few hours later, the grandmother was reading when her daughter announced dinner was ready. Grandmother walked past her grandson’s bedroom and noticed him on his bed, vigorously masturbating.

    “Sonny,” she said, “when you’re finished with your homework, come on downstairs to eat.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Fresh Liver Fixes Everything Until It Ends Up in the Sink

    It seems that Annie was born with a rather unusually large vagina and therefore has been unable to sustain any sort of long-term relationships because even the most well endowed men soon lose interest because of her inability to satisfy them sexually.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    So when a guy from the office whom she really liked asked her out, she decided to take desperate measures. On the way home she stops at the butcher and buys a kilo of fresh liver. She gets ready for her big date and slides that kilo of liver into her box, hoping that it will take up some of the slack, just in case the evening should turn out to be romantic.

    Bill picks her up, they go out, dinner, dancing, cocktails, have the BEST time, and sure enough, end up back at her place, have some great sex and fall asleep in each other’s arms.

    Annie wakes up the next morning and Bill is nowhere to be seen. She sighs and thinks, “Oh well, I gave it my best shot, I guess I’m doomed to end up an old maid.”

    She goes downstairs to make coffee and finds a note on the kitchen table…..

    “Dear Annie,

    Thank you so much for last night! I had a really GREAT time, and I think you are WONDERFUL!

    Sorry I had to leave so early, but I’ll call you later and I hope we can get together again REAL SOON!

    Love You,
    Bill

    (P.S. Your cunt’s in the sink)”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Freddo’s Magical Tongue Gets the Girl

    This guy walks into a bar carrying a shoe box, and proceeds to sit down and places the box on the bar. As the night rolls on and a beauty sits next to him he can’t help but notice her curiosity with the box. So after a while he asks her if she would like to receive the best tongue sex of her life.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    She eagerly accepts, but the guy tells her it is to be from his pet frog Freddo. By this time the beauty is getting pretty tipsy and insists on seeing the frog first. So the guy gets him out and presses just behind the jaw of the frog to make him flop his tongue out. At the sight of the size of the tongue the beauty can’t wait and just about tears the guy’s arm off getting him and the frog to her apartment, where she immediately undresses and lays spread eagle on the bed awaiting Freddo and his tongue.

    The guy places Freddo between her legs and repeats “lick-her” several times. A few minutes pass and nothing, he repeats “lick-her”, still no response from Freddo.

    Before the beauty can complain again, the guy picks up Freddo and says, “This is the last time I show you how this is done!”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail
  • IT Guys Such Dicks

    IT Guys Such Dicks

    Why are IT guys such dicks?

    Last week I drove two hours to push the power button on a server that three separate people assured me was already on.

  • Michelangelo Dicks Out

    Michelangelo Dicks Out

    “Yeah I can paint your ceiling”

    Michelangelo scoffs to himself

    “Gonna paint a bunch of dudes with their dicks out tho”

  • Checkout Girl’s Creative Sizing Solution

    This guy was at the supermarket and after buying a few things he began to queue up in this really long line for the checkout. After about 15 mins in the line he reached the checkout girl and just at that moment he remembered that he needed some condoms, not wanting to line up again he said to the girl “Oh I meant to buy some condoms but forgot”, to which she replied “Do you know what size you are?” and he said “no”.

    The girl then said “OK drop your pants and I’ll tell you what size you are”, the guy then, not being the shy type, drops his trousers and the girl has a feel with her hand and then says in the microphone “1 packet of large condoms to aisle 3 Please”, he pulls up his trousers, the condoms are brought to him and he pays his bill and goes on his way.

    Another male customer sees this and thinks he’d like to have this nice girl fondling his manhood and so says the same thing to the girl and a similar course of events takes place only this time after having a feel she says “One packet of medium sized condoms to aisle 3 please”, the condoms are then brought to him and he pays the bill and goes on his way.

    Also watching this course of events was a rather excitable 15 year old boy who then decides to queue up and try the same routine. Upon reaching the checkout girl he says “I’d like to buy some condoms please, but I forgot” and the girl replies “Do you know what size you are?” and he says “Nope” and then she asks him to drop his trousers and she has a feel, after which she says into the microphone “Mop and Bucket to aisle 3 please!”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Island Duty Roster Beats Romantic Getaway

    A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky. The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts.

    The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch. Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, “Hey, no screwing!”

    They yell back, “We’re not screwing!”

    A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, “Hey, no screwing!”

    Again they yell back, “We’re not screwing!”

    Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, “Hey, I said no screwing!”

    They yell back, “We’re not screwing!”

    Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He’s not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it. The husband looks out from the tower and says, “Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they’re screwing.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Dad’s Terrible Timing With Life’s Harsh Truths

    Morris asks his son, now aged 10, if he knows about the birds and the bees.

    “I don’t want to know!” the child said, bursting into tears.

    Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.

    “Oh dad,” he sobbed, “at age six I got the ‘there’s no Santa’ speech. At age seven I got the ‘there’s no Easter bunny’ speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the ‘there’s no tooth fairy’ speech! If you’re going to tell me now that grown-ups don’t really have sex, I’ve got nothing left to live for!”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Virgin Birth Claims Destroyed by Medical Reality

    A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter’s swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, “Your daughter is pregnant.”

    The mother turned red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex before marriage.

    The doctor faced the window and silently looked out to the horizon.

    The mother became enraged and screamed, “Quit looking out the window! Aren’t you paying attention to me?”

    “Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma’am. It’s just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they’d show up again and confirm this very rare immaculate conception.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail