Joke Type: anecdotal

Anecdotal jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • One Hell of an Outdoorsman

    A guy goes in for a physical; the doctor asks about his activity level. “What do you mean?” asks the guy.

    The doctor says, “Well, for example, what did you do yesterday?”

    The guy says, “Yesterday afternoon, I took a five-hour walk, about seven miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and in my eyes. I jumped three feet in the air when I almost stepped on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills and hacked my way through some tall grass. After that I was so exhausted and dehydrated, I drank eight beers.”

    Inspired by the story, the doctor says, “Sounds like you are one hell of an outdoorsman!”

    And the guy says, “Actually, I’m just a really shitty golfer.”

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  • Mothers Day Lowest Crime

    Mothers Day Lowest Crime

    Fin @gofinurself

    My mom is a prosecutor and every year she brings up the fact that Mother’s Day is the day with the lowest crime. I think that says a lot about how many moms commit crimes throughout the year, but can’t today because they’re too busy being celebrated.

  • That Moth Had a Big Cock

    I was driving along with my young son when we noticed a car driving erratically ahead of us. As we pulled alongside it, ready to overtake, the window came down and a massive dildo — sixteen inches if it was a day — came flying out the window and smacked into our windscreen before flying off to the curb side.

    My son looked confused for a second before asking, “What was that, Dad?”

    I had to think quick. “That was a moth,” I replied. “Just a moth.”

    He thought about it for a while and said, “Fuck, that moth had a big cock, eh Dad!”

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  • This Thing Almost Killed My Grandma

    This Thing Almost Killed My Grandma

    This Thing Almost Killed My Grandma

    Ok. First off, THIS THING IS HUGE!!! I didn’t realize it when ordering. But When every one left the house one day I decided to give it the old college try. The suction cup works well, I had it stuck to my bedroom door. Ok, so when trying to use this it was really big and awkward. I was trying to back against it slowly letting my butt hole adjust to the massive width. I had my I-Pod Listening to “Eye of the Tiger” trying to get pumped for the whole thing. Well I didn’t hear my grandmother come home early and apparently i was making some noise rocking back on this Mega-Dong mounted to the door, and singing along to The Theme Song to Rocky. Well my Grandma comes to investigate and jerks my door open, which snatched the toy out of my butt bringing my sphincter with it. My grandmother Freaks and Slams the Door which POWER DRIVES this thing Up my anus all the way to the base. I’m Screaming in pain, and My grandmother is yelling holding her chest. Next thing I know she collapses. So there I am with a Bleeding, Prolapsed Butt hole and my grandma on the floor. I’m in so much pain and am freaking out worrying that I’ve killed her. So I crawled over to her and pushed her life alert button to send the paramedics, one of which was a new guy and when I tried explaining the story he literally pissed on himself laughing. Anyway they popped an ammonia capsule and brought my grandmother back. She seems ok but we haven’t made eye contact for 2 weeks and my butt is a little worse for wear. And when I fart now, it sounds like a Peterbilt 379 releasing its air brakes

  • Plant Your Potatoes, Dad

    An old farmer wrote to his son in prison.

    “This year I won’t be able to plant potatoes because I can’t dig the field. I know if you were here you would help me.”

    The son wrote back, “Dad, don’t even think of digging the field because that’s where I buried the money I stole.”

    Police read the letter and the very next day the whole field was dug up by the police looking for the money, but nothing was found.

    The next day the son wrote again, “Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It’s the best I can do from here.”

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  • The Thanksgiving Turkey Guts

    A husband and wife married for many years — every morning the husband wakes up and lets out a thunderous fart, then cackles. One day she glares at him and says, “You know, one of these days you’re going to shit your guts out.” He shrugs it off and they go about life.

    Come around to Thanksgiving, the wife is downstairs prepping a turkey for dinner, husband is sleeping upstairs in bed. As she pulls the turkey’s guts out, she gets a clever idea, and sneaks upstairs holding a small handful of the turkey’s guts. She tucks them into her husband’s underwear.

    She goes back downstairs and continues to cook. A short while later, the husband wakes up. She hears his usual morning fart, his cackle, then dead silence.

    A few minutes later the husband comes down the stairs. He is pale, shaking a little, and looks like a deer in the headlights.

    “Is everything okay, dear?” she asks without missing a beat.

    “Well, yea,” the husband says. “But you were right, I did shit my guts out. But with these two fingers and a little determination, I got them back up in there.”

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  • The Rabbi’s Advice

    A guy goes to his rabbi to ask his advice.

    “Rabbi, I have a court case next week. What should I wear? Should I wear shabby clothes and hope the judge has pity on me, or should I wear my best suit, give some money to the judge and say, ‘You look after me and I’ll look after you’?”

    “Well, my son. You remember how my daughter got married only last week? So, the night before, she came to me with a question: ‘What should I wear that night? The short, see-through negligee my sister gave me, or the long thick nightie mother gave me?’”

    “And the answer I gave her is the answer I give you: It doesn’t matter what you wear — you’re going to get fucked.”

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  • Polly’s Tree Climbing

    Polly went home happy and told her mum how she’d earned $50 by climbing a tree.

    Her mum replied, “Sweetie — they just wanted to see your knickers.”

    To which Polly replied, “No, look, Mom, I was clever, I took them off!”

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  • Turn Over

    So a girl is going to marry a Greek fellow. The night before the wedding, the girl’s dad takes her aside and says, “Honey, I don’t know how to say this, so I’ll just say it. If he ever asks you to turn over, you don’t have to.”

    So they get married. Sure enough, about six months later, the Greek guy asks the girl to turn over.

    “You know,” she says, “my dad told me I don’t have to turn over if I don’t want to.”

    “Whatsa matter?” says the Greek guy. “Don’t you wanna have kids?”

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  • The Bloody Canoe

    An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are exploring the deepest part of the Amazon jungle. One day, a savage tribe of cannibals captures the trio and they’re brought before the chieftain.

    “Trespassing is punishable by death for white devils,” the chieftain says in passable English. “But your skin will make some fine canoes for us. However, you can all have one request fulfilled to the best of our ability to do so!”

    The Englishman nods, accepting his fate. “I don’t suppose you have a telephone out here so I can call home?”

    “Yes, we have taken many of these things from interlopers,” says the chieftain.

    Surprised, he dials his wife. “Hello my dear, I’m afraid I won’t be coming home. Terribly sorry. My love to the kids.”

    He closes his eyes, is killed, and they begin taking his skin and meat for meals.

    The Scotsman gulps. “I really could do with a drink — whiskey if you have any, so I won’t feel it.”

    The chieftain snaps his fingers and a tribesman brings out a crate of whiskey. The Scotsman immediately begins getting drunk, downing bottle after bottle until he falls asleep, and he too is killed. They make preparations to turn him into meals and a canoe with his skin.

    The Irishman says, “Umm… do you have a fork?”

    Puzzled, the chief commands a tribesman to give him a fork, and before anybody could react, the Irishman begins stabbing himself all over his body.

    “You’re not turning me into a bloody canoe, ye bastards!”

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