Anecdotal jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
After attending ethics training, Bob went up to his boss.
“Boss,” he said, “that ethics training has me feeling bad about us doing product testing on animals.”
The boss replied, “But Bob, this is an accepted practice, and many shampoo and cosmetics manufacturers test their products on animals.”
Bob responded, “Yeah, but we make hammers!”
An elderly Jewish man is walking down the street when he sudden slips and falls.
People rush to help him, with one passer by rolling up his own coat to cradle the elderly Jewish man’s head.
“Sir,” the man says. “We’re calling an ambulance. Are you comfortable?”
The elderly Jewish man gives a weak shrug and says: “Eh. I make a living.”
Some first-year medical students were attending their first anatomy class.
They gathered around a table where a real dead body had been placed for study. The professor began by telling them that every good doctor must have two important qualities.
“The first,” he said, “is that a doctor must never be disgusted by anything in the human body.”
To demonstrate, he inserted his finger into the dead body’s anus, then put the finger in his mouth and tasted it. He then asked the students to repeat what he had done.
The students were shocked and hesitated for several minutes, but eventually, one by one, they did the same thing. Each of them inserted a finger into the body’s anus and then tasted it.
When everyone had finished, they stood there frowning and looking uncomfortable.
The professor looked at them and smiled. “The second most important quality of a doctor,” he said, “is observation.”
“I inserted my middle finger,” he continued, “but I tasted my index finger.”
Some tourists at the Chicago Museum of Natural History were marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, “Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?”
The guard replies, “They are 73 million, four years, and six months old.”
“That’s an awfully exact number,” says the tourist. “How do you know their age so precisely?”
The guard answers, “Well, the dinosaur bones were seventy three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.”
Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain-smoker, and one was a homosexual. The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, “If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die.”
The men left the doctor’s office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar.
The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself! . His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey.
No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor’s words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.
The homosexual looked at the chain-smoker and said,
“You know if you bend over to pick that up, we’re both dead!”
A man goes in for a physical, and the doctor asks him about his daily routine.
The man says, “Well, Doc, just yesterday afternoon I must’ve walked at least five miles. I waded up to my knees in a lake, drank three beers, outran a pack of wild dogs in the underbrush, drank another two beers, took a long, leisurely piss behind a tree, and stepped out of the way of an aggressive rattlesnake.
Drank another beer, crawled out of quicksand, stood in a poison ivy patch, drank another two beers, climbed up and down five steep hills, and took another leak behind a tree.”
The doctor, listening to all of this, is duly impressed. “Man, you must be one hell of an outdoorsman!”
“Nah, Doc,” the man says. “I’m just a shitty golfer.”
Farmer Joe was in his car when he was hit by a truck. He decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court.
In court the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. “Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?” said the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, “Well I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the….”
“I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted, “just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?!”
Farmer Joe said, “Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road….”
The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie.”
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
“I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
“Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
“Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, “Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?””
