Joke Type: anecdotal
Anecdotal jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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Big steps
There was a safety meeting at work today…
They asked me, “What steps would you take in case of a fire?”“Big fucking steps.”
Evidently, that was NOT the answer.
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When Poetry Fails: Johnny’s Unique Strategy
Little Johnny was in school and his English teacher had the students write short poems.
When everyone was done, she asked the students to read them for the class.
Little Jeremy: “I took a walk down by the lake and there I saw a long brown snake.”
Very good Jeremy!
Little Susie: “My oh my! I looked to the sky, and there I saw a butterfly.”
Very good Susie!
Little Johnny: “I couldn’t think of one.”
Teacher. “You go out in the hall and let me know once you do!”
Little Johnny goes and sits in the hall. He’s looking around and figures one out.
He jestures to the teacher who comes and asks him what his poem is.
“As I sat out in the hall, a big cockroach ran up the wall.”
The teacher wasn’t pleased, because she knew Johnny just loved slipping in curse words, but said “Ok, but leave cock out of it.”
Little Johnny comes back in front of the class and reads his poem:
“As I sat out in the hall, I saw a roach run up the wall. With his cock out!”
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Baiting the Priest: A Fishy Tale!
Two altar boys are fishing on a dock. One of the boys gets a bite and reels it in. He snatches it up and proclaims to the other altar boy, “Look at this big sum bitch!”
The other altar boy says, “You can’t say that—you’re an altar boy.”
To which he explains, “That’s the name of the fish: sum bitch.”
“Wow, well that is a big sum bitch. Let’s go show it to the priest!”
The two boys run up to the priest, yelling, “Priest, look at this big sum bitch we caught!”
Priest: “You boys can’t talk like that—you’re altar boys!”
Altar boys: “Priest, that’s the name of the fish: sum bitch.”
Priest: “Well, that is a nice sum bitch. Let’s go catch some more of those sum bitches and show ’em to the cardinal!”
So the priest and the boys catch some more of those sum bitches and carry them to show the cardinal.
“Cardinal, look at all these sum bitches we caught!”Cardinal: “I should have you all excommunicated for language like that!”
Altar boys: “Well, that’s the name of the fish: sum bitch.”
Cardinal: “I never in my life have seen such a fine bunch of sum bitches. Let’s take them to the nun and see if she’ll cook up these sum bitches!”
So the altar boys, the priest, and the cardinal go see the nun.
“Nun! Can you cook up these sum bitches for us?!”
Nun: “I ain’t cooking nothing if you boys are gonna talk like that!”
Altar boys: “Nun, that’s the name of the fish: sum bitch!”
Nun: “Well, since you boys went through the trouble of catching all these sum bitches, I reckon I could fry these sum bitches up!”
That night, the pope is visiting town and sits down for supper with the altar boys, priest, cardinal, and nun.Altar boys: “I can’t believe we caught all these sum bitches!”
Priest: “These are the best sum bitches I have ever eaten!”
Cardinal: “Nun, you cooked these sum bitches just right!”
Nun: “I sure did. You boys gotta catch some more of these sum bitches!”
The pope looks around at everyone with a surprised look on his face. He cracks a grin and says, “Y’all motherfuckers are alright!”
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Hold the Ladder: Last Words of Wisdom
I’ll never forget my granddad’s last words to me before he died:
“Are you still holding the ladder?” -
Elevator Adventures: Uplifted and Let Down!
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.
The second time let me down. -
Papal Pizza Plans: A Slice of Home
With the first anniversary of the new pope approaching, Vatican staff were preparing a banquet and reviewing the menu with Leo.
After a few minutes, Leo started looking distracted. When asked what was wrong, he said, “The food here at the Vatican is amazing, but I really miss good old Chicago-style deep-dish pizza. I would like you to serve that at my anniversary banquet.”
Not having had any experience with it, they nevertheless agreed. Since there is no pizza oven in the Vatican, their kitchen staff went to a local pizzeria to use theirs. After a couple days of experimenting, they served Leo their first attempt at deep-dish pizza for lunch.
“Yuck,” he said. “I don’t know what this is, but it’s certainly not deep-dish pizza!”
For the next month, a couple of times a week, the Vatican chefs prepared another attempt, and each one was met with a similar reaction. With the banquet only two days away, Leo finally said, “I’ve had enough! You obviously aren’t able to figure this out on your own, so take me down to the pizzeria and I’ll show you how to make a deep-dish pizza.”
So the pope went to the pizzeria and into the kitchen, and soon flour and sauce were flying everywhere. A local reporter stopped by to get lunch, gaped in surprise, and immediately got on the phone with her editor.
“Are you aware of some VIP visiting Rome today?” she asked.
He replied, “No—I haven’t heard anything. What’s up?”
She said, “I don’t know for sure, but it must be someone really important: the pope is baking a pizza for him!”
