Joke Type: anecdotal

Anecdotal jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Polar Bear Identity Crisis!

    One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his polar bear son were sitting in the snow. The cub turned to his father and said: “Dad, am I 100 percent polar bear?”

    “Of course, son” replied the father. “you are 100 percent polar bear”

    A few minutes later the cub turned to his father again and said: “Dad, tell me the truth, I can take it. Am I 100 percent polar bear? No brown bear or black bear or grizzly bear?”

    The father put a loving paw on the son’s head. “Son,” he said “I am 100 percent polar bear, your mother is 100 percent polar bear, so you are definitely 100 percent polar bear.”

    The cub seemed satisfied, but a few minutes later he turned to his father and once more said: “Look, Dad, I don’t want you saying this just to spare my feelings. I have to know: am I 100 percent polar bear?”

    By now the father is becoming distressed by the continual questioning and said: “Why do you keep asking if you are 100 percent polar bear?”

    The cub replied: “Because I’m freezing!!!”

  • Extra Mile: Grandad’s Wisdom, Hilarious Outcomes

    Like my Grandad always says, go the extra mile in every job that you do.
    Lovely man, terrible train driver

  • Age Gap: Pregnancy and the Leopard Chase!

    A man in his late seventies has a wife fifty years younger than him. Every year he goes to his doctor for an body check. One year, he tells his doctor “Hey doc! Look at my wife! Isn’t she pretty? Guess what? I got her pregnant!”

    Upon hearing that, the serious doctor looked up from his clipboard. He replied, “You remind me of my friend John, when he was hunting in Africa. He was aiming at a zebra when a leopard starting chasing him. John wanted to grab his rifle, but soon realized that he didn’t have it in his pouch! But the leopard was already a couple meters away from him… so John acted like his fingers were guns… and shouted BAM! BAM! BAM! very loudly… and to John’s surprise… the leopard collapsed… and died!”

    The old man replied, “That’s nonsense! Someone else must’ve done it!”

    The doctor, with a sly smile on his face, simply responded, “I think so too.”

  • Big Potatoes and Dirty Secrets!

    Two Irish women were out in the field digging up potatoes.
    One of them pulls out a huge one and says, “Ah, it’s just like my husband’s penis.”
    The other gasps, “Oh? that big?”
    The first shakes her head and says, “No. That dirty.”

  • Party at the neighbor’s place

    A guy moves to the middle of nowhere in Alaska — no towns, no roads, just snow and existential dread.

    About a week later, there’s a knock at the door. He opens it to find a man standing there like it’s the most normal thing in the world.

    “Hey,” the man says. “I’m your neighbor — I live about fifteen miles away. I’m throwing a party tonight and wanted to invite you.”

    The new guy brightens up. “A party? Out here?”

    “Yep,” says the neighbor. “There’ll be drinking and fighting…”

    “Wow,” the new guy says. “Sounds fun.”

    “…and then sex, there will be loads of sex.” the neighbor adds.

    The new guy freezes. “Uh — okay. How many people are coming?”

    The neighbor smiles. “It’ll just be you and me.”

  • Eyes Wide Open: A Unique Surgery Success

    Went to school with a guy who was born without eyelids. He underwent surgery where they circumcised him and used the foreskin to create natural looking eyelids. The operation was a success.

    He still looks a little cockeyed though.

  • An artist needed glasses…

    An artist needed glasses, but like many artists, she didn’t have health insurance.

    An ophthalmologist who admired her work offered a deal: he’d cover the cost of everything except the office visit if she’d paint a mural in his waiting room.

    Two weeks later, the artist had her new glasses and spent the weekend painting the mural. On Monday, the doctor and his staff arrived, eager to see what she’d created.

    The artist proudly ushered them in. Every wall was covered with eyes — some open, some closed, some long-lashed, in shades of brown, blue, green, and hazel. One even had a single teardrop.

    “So,” asked the artist, “what do you think?”

    The doctor paused, looked around the room, and said, “I think I’m glad I’m not a gynecologist.”

  • Three men find a harem

    Three guys were traveling through Saudi Arabia when they accidentally stumbled into a harem tent filled with over a hundred beautiful women.

    They started getting friendly with the women when suddenly the Sheik burst in and shouted, “I am the master of all these women! No one else may touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you’ve done. Your punishment will correspond to your profession.”

    He turned to the first man and asked, “What do you do for a living?”

    “I’m a cop,” the first man said.

    “Then we will shoot your penis off!” declared the Sheik.

    Next, he turned to the second man. “And you?”

    “I’m a fireman.”

    “Then we will burn your penis off!”

    Finally, the Sheik turned to the third man. “And what do you do for a living?”

    The third man grinned and said, “I’m a lollipop salesman.”

  • Gary got beat up

    John runs into his old friend Gary, who looks like he’s been beaten by a thousand fists.
    Now Gary is the nicest guy ever; it’s hard to imagine anyone getting mad at him, let alone beating him so savagely.
    I asked, “What happened?!?!”
    He explained, “Well, I was on the escalator, and the lady in front of me was wearing a pretty skirt, but it had bunched up between her cheeks, so I gently pulled it out. Then she turned around and slapped me.”
    “Wow! Maybe you should have just let it be, but it looks like you got more than just slapped.”
    “I know! I knew I messed up, and I felt bad, so when she turned around, I started poking it back in…”