I often wonder if I would be in my current profession if I hadn’t developed my delicate hand-eye skills as a child playing “Operation.” Probably not, since the boss would have fired me long ago for ruining all those keyboards because of stray peanut bits falling off of my Salted Nut Roll.
Joke Type: bait and switch
Bait and switch jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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Hypnotize a Cat
Cats aren’t so damn superior. Heck, you can easily hypnotize one by dangling a shiny object in front of its eyes and giving it tuna… giving it tuna… must give the cat some tuna….
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Smoking Cessation Plan Backfires Spectacularly
I knew a girl at work once who was truly concerned about her husband’s smoking. She told me that she had finally gotten him to agree to limit his smoking at home to only those times when they had finished making love.
She had gotten the idea from a classic movie they had both seen on TV called “Cold Turkey.”
After about a week, I asked her how it was going.
“Well, not too bad,” she said, getting up off of a pillow she had in her chair and limping towards the photocopy machine.
“I’ve gotten him down to about a pack a night now.”
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Deluxe Magic Hat
My wife thinks that TV is a big waste of time, but I just learned something that’s sure to change her mind: When buying a magic hat for the kid’s snowman, spring for the deluxe version that keeps the snowman from melting when the temperature goes above freezing.
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A Dildo in the Dark
A woman has been married to her husband for ten years, and for all those ten years her husband insisted on making love in the dark. No matter how much she asked him, he would never turn the lights on.
One night she grew tired of this and turned on the light while they were making love and saw that he was using a dildo on her.
She says: “Honey, how could you do this! All this time you’ve never told me. Explain yourself immediately!!”
The husband says: “OK, I’ll explain, but first you have to explain the kids.”
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Mr. Insurance Duck
I’m confused by those ads where a duck is trying to sell people disability insurance by quacking, “AFLAC!” at them. If instead he just yelled, “Duck!” I bet most debilitating injuries could be avoided altogether. I’m on to your scam, Mr. Insurance Duck!
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Misunderstanding at the Beach
Goldie was sitting on a beach, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers.
“Hello, sir,” she said, “Do you like movies?”
“Yes, I do,” he responded, then returned to his book.
Goldie persisted. “Do you like gardening?”
The man again looked up from his book. “Yes, I do,” he said politely before returning to his reading.
Undaunted, Goldie asked, “Do you like pussycats?”
With that the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she’d never been ravaged before.
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, “How did you know that was what I wanted?”
The man thought for a moment and replied, “How did you know that my name was Katz?”
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Diet Scam Charges a Dollar Per Pound
Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked. Then, one day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad that read: Lose weight Only $1.00 a pound Call (202) 555-0238 The man decided to give it a try and called the number.
A voice on the other end asked, “How much weight do you want to lose?”
The man responded, “Ten pounds.”
The voice replied, “Very well, give me your credit card number and we’ll have a representative over to your house in the morning.”
About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redhead, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, “If you catch me, you can have me.”
Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she said, “Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself.”
He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce! That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, “How much weight do you want to lose?” — to which the somewhat-less-overweight man replied, “Twenty pounds.”
“Very well,” the voice on the phone told him, “Give me your credit card number and we’ll have a representative over to your house in the morning.”
At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, “If you catch me, you can have me.” The chase took a good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told him, “Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself.” He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds! “This is fantastic!” he thought to himself.
Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, “How much weight do you want to lose?” “Fifty pounds!” the man exclaimed. “Fifty pounds?” the voice asked, “That’s an awful lot of weight to lose at one time.” The man replied, “Listen buddy, here’s my credit card number, you just have your representative over here in the morning!” and he hung up the phone. About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door.
When he opens the door, he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating, “IF I CATCH YOU, I’M GOING TO SCREW YOU.”
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Horses Making Love: Farm Education Lesson
There was a virgin who wanted to marry a farmer boy. One day, she went to his parents’ house for dinner. When they got done eating dinner, they decided to go for a walk through the pasture. While they were walking they came upon the 2 horses that were mating. She looks at them with wonder because she’s never seen anything like this before so she asks the boy, “What are they doing?”
He says “They’re making love.”
“Well, what’s that long thing he’s sticking in there?” she asks.
“Oh, uh, that’s his rope” he answered.
“Well, what are those two round things on the other end?” she asks.
He says “Those are his knots.”
She says, “Oh, OK I got it.”
As they continue their stroll, they come to a barn and go in. She looks at him and says, “I want you to make love to me the way those animals were.”
Surprised and excited, the boy agrees. While they’re getting at all hot and heavy, she grabs his balls and squeezes.
“Whoa, what are you doing?” he shouts.
The girl innocently replies, “I’m untying the knots so I’ll get more rope.”
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Doctor’s Wife Sets Straight Woman’s Misconceptions
At a big cocktail party, an obstetrician’s wife noticed another guest, a big, over sexed woman, was making overtures to her husband. But it was a large, informal gathering, so she tried to laugh it off, until she saw them disappear into a bedroom together.
At once she rushed into the room, pulled the two apart and screamed, “Look, lady! My husband just delivers babies, he doesn’t INSTALL them!”
