Roland D-50
Joke Type: dark humor
Dark humor jokes, grim punchlines, and comedy from the questionable end of the emotional buffet from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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Office Profanity Code System Hilariously Revealed
Interoffice Memo
It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals have been using foul language in the course of normal conversation between employees. Due to complaints from some of the more easily offended workers, this conduct will no longer be tolerated. The management does, however, realize the importance of each person being able to express their feelings when communicating with their fellow employees. Therefore, the management has compiled the following coded list. It is imperative that all employees understand and memorize these coded phrases so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue.
OLD PHRASE | NEW PHRASE
No fucking way. | I’m not certain that’s feasible.
You’ve got to be shitting me? | Really?
Tell someone who gives a shit. | Perhaps you should check with:
Ask me if I give a shit. | Of course I’m concerned.
It’s not my fucking problem. | I wasn’t involved in that project.
What the fuck? | Interesting behavior:
Fuck it, it won’t work. | I’m not sure I can implement this.
Why the fuck didn’t they tell me sooner? | I’ll try to reschedule that.
When the fuck do you expect me to do this? | Perhaps I can work late?
Who the fuck cares. | Are you sure it’s a problem?
He’s got his head up his ass. | He’s not familiar with the problem.
Eat shit. | You don’t say?
Eat shit and die. | Excuse me?
Eat shit and die motherfucker. | Excuse me, sir?
What the fuck do they want from me? | They weren’t happy with it?
Kiss my ass. | So, would you like my help with that?
Fuck it, I’m on salary. | I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
Shove it up your ass. | I don’t think you understand.
This job sucks shit. | I love a challenge.
Who the hell died and made you boss? | You want me to take care of this?
Blow me. | I see.
Blow yourself. | Do you see?
Another fucking meeting? | Yes, we should discuss this.
I don’t really give a shit. | I don’t think it will be a problem.
He’s fucking retarded. | He’s confused.
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Yellow French’s
If Saddam Hussein ever kills me with mustard gas, I hope it’s the yellow French’s kind, and not that brown Dijon stuff. I always hated that foo-foo gourmet crap.
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Best-Selling Children’s Author
If I were a best-selling children’s author, I’d write a book about how these cool little kids and their cute woodland friends made Santa very happy by taking all the money out of Mommy’s wallet and mailing it to my PO Box.
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Nothing Gets Done Between 7 and 10
A man was being interviewed for a job. “Were you in the service?” asked the interviewer.
“Yes, I was a Marine,” responded the applicant.
“Did you see any active duty?”
“I was in Vietnam for two years and I have a partial disability.”
“May I ask what happened?”
“Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles.”
“You’re hired. You can start Monday at 10 a.m.”
“When does everyone else start? I don’t want any preferential treatment because of my disability.”
“Everyone else starts at 7 a.m. but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first.”
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Priest Scandals
I’m really disturbed about all these priest scandals I keep reading about in the papers. From what I can tell, the average priest is having more sex than I am.
