Joke Type: dark humor

Dark humor jokes, grim punchlines, and comedy from the questionable end of the emotional buffet from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Top 10 Drawbacks to Working in a Cubicle

    10. Being told to “think outside the box” when you’re in a friggin’ box all day long.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    9. Not being able to check e-mail attachments without turning around to see who’s behind you.

    8. Cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gunfire.

    7. That nagging feeling that if you press the right button, you’ll get a piece of cheese.

    6. Lack of roof rafters for the noose.

    5. The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right.

    4. Twenty-three power cords — one outlet.

    3. Prison cells are not only bigger, they also have beds.

    2. The carpet has been there since 1976 and shows more signs of life than your co-workers.

    1. You can’t walk out and slam the door when you quit.

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • My Apologies

    When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of general feeling of unfriendliness, and since several of you have called me a “dirty son of a bitch” to my face, I knew I must have done something wrong at the office Christmas party.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    The office manager called me from the hospital today and as this is my last day, I’d like to take this way of apologizing to all of you. I would prefer speaking to everyone personally, but all of you seem to go deaf and dumb whenever I try to talk to you.

    First, to our dear and beloved boss, I am sorry for all the things I called you Friday afternoon. I’m very much aware that your father is not a baboon, nor your mother a Chinese whore. Your wife is a delightful woman, and my story of you buying her for fifty cents in Tijuana was strictly a figment of my imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours too. About the water cooler incident, you’ll never know how badly I feel about it, and I hope you didn’t hurt your head when they were trying to get the glass jug off.

    To Mary, I express my deepest regrets. In my own defense, I must remind you that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade on the stairway as much as I did until the banister broke and we fell eight feet to the second floor landing. In spite of the rupture you incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure you will admit that when we landed it was one of the biggest thrills you have ever had.

    Sam, you old cuss, you’ve just got to forgive me for that little prank I played on you. If I had known you were goosey, I’d have never done it. It would have been a lot worse if that lady hadn’t been standing right under the window you jumped through. She really broke your fall a lot. People have been killed falling three stories.

    Gene, I regret telling the fireman it was you who turned in the false alarm. But, of course, I had no way of knowing they would make such a bad report of it. Those fire hoses sure have a lot of pressure, don’t they? And boy, the water is sure cold!

    Don, I know how you must feel about me. Opening the door to the broom closet suddenly must have startled you and Millie quite badly, and to think how hard you bumped your chin on the shelf when you bent over to pull up your pants — it makes me sick. We’ll have to get together for dinner some night after the dentist finishes your plates.

    Nancy, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all your clothes and hiding them when I found you passed out in the ladies’ room, is that I was drunk. Also, I want you to know I was very embarrassed when I couldn’t remember where I hid them and you had to go home in that old sofa cover. Running your falsies up the flagpole was a bit too much, but like I said, I was a little drunk.

    To all of you, I am sorry. Setting Jan’s panties on fire seemed funny at the time, and it makes me sad to hear that her husband is divorcing her because of it. Urinating in everyone’s drink was in bad taste, and not telling them about it until all the drinks were gone was even worse.

    Now that I have apologized to all of you and know that I am forgiven, I will do my darndest to come to the picnic…

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • The Bricklayer’s Accident Report

    This is a bricklayer’s accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers’ Compensation Board. So here, thanks to John Sedgwick, is this bricklayer’s report.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    Dear Sir,

    I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put “Poor Planning” as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

    I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

    Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

    Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.

    Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

    At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground — and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

    As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

    Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

    I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • The Top 16 Signs You’ve Had Too Much to Drink

    16. The pants you just wet are not your own.

    15. Her lips may be saying, “Baaaaa,” but her eyes are screaming, “YES!”

    14. “I love the TopFive Lissst. NO, NO, I LOVE THE TOPFIVE LIST! I DO, I REALLLY REAALLLY DO.”

    13. Well, five boilermakers ago you would have qualified as an English soccer fan.

    12. You just woke up next to a teddy bear you don’t recognize, with its paws in an inappropriate location.

    11. You wake up and realize you slept with a dog. A REAL dog.

    10. The ATF suggests that you take up smoking instead.

    9. You have vomit on your jacket. It’s not yours, but there it is, nevertheless.

    8. Your bed spins at 33 rpm.

    7. Your liver is trying to dial 9-1-1.

    6. You wake up naked in a strange car, clutching a keg tap and sporting fresh ink on your nether regions. Not that I’d know.

    5. John Kerry’s starting to sound like he’s taking a position on something.

    4. In a sudden moment of clarity, Bush’s foreign policy strikes you as shrewd and effective.

    3. You see pink elephants… and get them to give you a ride home.

    2. You squish when you blink.

    1. You are seriously considering voting for Ralph Nader.

    The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
    Copyright 2004 by Chris White

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Now We’re Gonna Have to Piss in the Boat

    Two guys of limited intelligence were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped below the surface. After floating under blazing heat for six days, they ran out of food and water.

    On the tenth day, bleary-eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an oil lamp (the kind the genies come in).

    They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. “POOF!” out popped a tired old genie who said, “OK, so you freed me from this stupid lamp, yadda, yadda, yadda. But hey, I’ve been doing this three-wishes stuff for a long time now and quite frankly, I’m burned out. You guys get only ONE wish and then I’m outta here. Make it a good one.”

    The first guy, without hesitation or thought, blurted out, “Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!”

    “Fine,” said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire ocean into beer.

    “Great move, Einstein!” said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the head. “Now we’re gonna have to piss in the boat!”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • The Top 15 Things Overheard at Office Holiday Parties

    15. “All right, who’s the smartass who replaced the French onion dip with Wite-Out?”

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    14. “So I said to myself, ‘Jell-O mold — moldy Jell-O… who’s gonna know the difference?’”

    13. “A Chia Pet instead of a cash bonus! How creative of you, sir.”

    12. “Hey, did you remember to let the boss out of that rat hole outside of Tikrit?”
    “Me? I thought you were supposed to!”

    11. “Hey, baby, wanna be today’s guest of honor in my blog?”

    10. “I know it’s a photocopy of Jenkins’s buttocks, but you’ve got to admit, it does look like Santa.”

    9. “There’s a holiday scene for you: Rudolph the Brown-Nosed Reindeer sitting at the table with VP Little Dumber Boy.”

    8. “I forgot the party was tonight, until I realized that the entire IT department smells like Old Spice.”

    7. “So he crosses out the ‘A451,’ writes ‘A578’ at the top, and tries to resubmit it! Can you believe that guy? An A451! Hahahahaha!”

    6. “Sorry Boss, you know the rule: no bonus, no oral favors.”

    5. “Take your clothes off, men — time to go skinny-dipping in the secretarial pool!”

    4. “I remember the old days when we’d just photocopy our asses. Now we have to outsource it to a graphics company so they can touch it up before IT posts it to the corporate website.”

    3. “Don’t crash the Halliburton party next door — they’re asking twenty-four bucks for a Bud Light.”

    2. “He’s your Secret Santa? Be careful. It took six prescriptions to get rid of what he gave me last year.”

    1. “You’re the boss’s wife? What a coincidence — I’m his bitch.”

    The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
    Copyright 2003 by Chris White

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • The Top 13 Rejected Steps in 12-Step Programs

    13. Whenever the urge to submit to your addiction strikes, sing Barney songs until pummeled beyond recognition.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    12. Humbly ask God to remove all character flaws and about five inches from our thighs, hips and buttocks.

    11. Toast to your success!

    10. Blame the friggin’ wife for spending all my hard-earned money, for chrissake!

    9. First step: Ask her out and treat her like a lady.

    8. Do a shot of tequila every time someone says “codependent.”

    7. First, you must admit to everyone you know that you have “this friend” who has a problem.

    6. Come clean about that Chappaquiddick thing, for cryin’ out loud.

    5. Put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.

    4. Admit that feng shui cannot in any way compensate for daily physiological counseling.

    3. Give yourself over to a higher power — but first, take off all your clothes and have a seat in the Oval Office.

    2. Steps five through seven: Lick it, suck it, slam it.

    1. Complete the program by standing in front of your support group and shouting, “I’m cured, you bunch of losers!”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Top 56 Signs That You Have a Drinking Problem

    You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

    Job interfering with your drinking.

    Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

    Career won’t progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

    The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

    Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive fifth food group.

    Twenty-four hours in a day, twenty-four beers in a case — coincidence?? I think not!

    Two hands and just one mouth… now THAT’S a drinking problem!

    “Norm!” is what they say when you enter the bar.

    You can focus better with one eye closed.

    The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

    Every woman you see has an exact twin.

    You wake up to find Windows 95 installed on your machine.

    You keep asking your wife “where are the kids?” but you don’t really have a wife and you’re talking to the refrigerator.

    You fall off the floor.

    You discover in the morning that liquid cleaning supplies have disappeared.

    Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

    Had your “Spuds McKenzie” tattoo removed, replaced it with “Red Dog.”

    Hey, five beers has just as many calories as a burger — screw dinner!

    Beer: it’s not just for breakfast anymore.

    The glass keeps missing your mouth.

    Bob Dole starts to make sense.

    When you go to donate blood and they ask what proof.

    Vampires get woozy after biting you.

    The only drinking problem is not having a drink right now.

    At an AA meeting you begin: “Hi, my name is… uh…”

    Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer.

    When vomiting becomes a relief.

    Having a hard time staying on the sidewalk — left, right, stumble, fall.

    You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom.

    Barney, that dinosaur is damned funny!

    You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women.

    Every night you’re beginning to find your roommate’s cat more attractive.

    Hi occifer. I’m not under the affluence of incohol.

    Waking up with a traffic cone between your legs.

    No occifer, I’m not drunk… you’re just sober.

    Problem? I drink, I get drunk, I fall down… no problem.

    If on a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for alcohol calories.

    Take me drunk, I’m home!

    The bottle’s empty… that’s the problem!

    You find yourself as the captain of the Exxon Valdez.

    You wake up naked lying in the corner of a bus depot.

    Roseanne looks good.

    Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of bottle.

    You drink to get over a hangover.

    That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

    You are the proud owner of a porcelain bus driver’s license.

    The whisky ain’t working anymore.

    Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.

    You have a reserved parking space at the A&P.

    I’m as jober as a sudge!

    You consider yourself a workaholic, because every time you go to work, you want to have a beer!

    I slept with that damned pink elephant again.

    Mosquitoes spiral down to the ground in circles after biting you.

    Newt Gingrich… he’s soooo sexy.

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • The Top 15 Favorite Movies of Substance Abusers (Part II)

    15. Lord of the Bongs: The Return of My Buzz
    14. There’s Something About Mary Jane
    13. Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot Up
    12. Merry Poppers
    11. About Schlitz
    10. King Bong
    9. Giggly
    8. S*T*A*S*H
    7. Toke-lahoma!
    6. Heroin Brockovich
    5. Kilo & Snitch
    4. The Matrix: Totally Loaded
    3. Drool Hand ’Lude
    2. Good Buy, Mr. Chips Ahoy!
    1. Stingin’ in the Vein

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
    Copyright 2003 by Chris White

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail
  • Still Smells Fresh

    Still Smells Fresh

    Still smells fresh

    Tide