Double entendre jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
A man got on the train with both front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept staring at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after several curious glances, he said, “It’s golf balls.”
She kept looking, thinking hard, then finally asked, “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”
Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, “Where in the hell have you been?” He replies, “I was out getting a tattoo.”
“A tattoo?” she frowned. “What kind of tattoo did you get?”
“I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,” he said proudly.
“What the hell were you thinking?” she said, shaking her head in disdain. “Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?”
“Well,” Larry replied, “for one, I like to watch my money grow; two, once in a while I like to play with my money; three, I like how money feels in my hand; and lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime.”
How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
Four — one to actually change it and three friends to brag to about how he screwed it.
Why do doctors slap babies’ butts right after they’re born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it’s time to go back to childhood, he’s already there.
Why are men like commercials?
You can’t believe a word they say.
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.
Why are women so bad at mathematics?
Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.
What’s a man’s definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.
What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
When the power goes off.
What do men and women have in common?
They both distrust men.
How can you tell the difference between men’s real gifts and their guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.
What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.
What do men dream of? Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Slow.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They’re married.
Why don’t men often show their true feelings?
Because they don’t have any.
Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So oxygen can get to their brains.
What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
Castrated.
What’s the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.
What’s the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can remember them.
Guide to the Male Vocabulary
1. “Haven’t I seen you before?” “Nice ass.”
2. “I’m a Romantic.” “I’m poor.”
3. “I need you” “My hand is oh so tired.”
4. “I am different from all the other guys” “I am not circumcised.”
5. “I want a commitment.” “I’m sick of masturbation.”
6. “You’re the only girl I’ve ever cared about” “You are the only girl who hasn’t rejected me.”
7. “I really want to get to know you better.” “So I can tell my friends about it.”
8. “It’s just orange juice, try it.” “3 more shots, and she’ll have her legs around my head.”
9. “She’s kinda cute.” “I want to shag her till my dick drops off.”
10. “I don’t know if I like her” “She won’t let me shag her”
11. “I miss you so much” “I am so horny that my male-roommate is starting to look good.”
12. “Was it good for you?” “I’m insecure about my manhood.”
13. “How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?” “Is my penis really that small?”
14. “I had a wonderful time last night.” “Who the hell are you?”
15. “Do you love me?” “I’ve done something stupid and you might find out.”
16. “Do you ‘really’ love me?” “I’ve done something stupid and you’re going to find out sooner or later.”
17. “How much do you love me?” “I’ve done something really stupid and someone’s on his way to tell you about it now.”
18. “I have something to tell you.” “Get tested.”
19. “I’ll give you a call.” “I’d rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.”
20. “I’ve been thinking a lot.” “You’re not as attractive as when I was drunk.”
21. “I think we should just be friends.” “You’re ugly.”
22. “I’ve learned a lot from you.” “Next!!!!”
A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry. During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men’s toilet, one of the boys came out and told her he couldn’t reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one. As she lifted one, she couldn’t help but notice that he was unusually well endowed for an elementary school child.
“I guess you must be in the fifth,” she said.
“No ma’am,” he replied, “I’m in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow.”
