“MEN TEND TO CHOOSE HIGH
PAYING PROFESSIONS – LIKE
DOCTOR, ENGINEER, CEO,
ETC.,
WHILE WOMEN NATURALLY GO
TOWARD LOWER PAYING
CAREERS –
LIKE FEMALE DOCTOR, FEMALE
ENGINEER, AND FEMALE CEO.”
Joke Type: gender
Gender jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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High-Paying Professions
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Men Are Better at Everything
Just to prove men are
better at everything….
We won
‘Woman of the Year’
Men are amazing. -
Iron This
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and yells, “If I’m about to die, I want to die feeling like a woman!”
She removes all her clothing and asks, “Is there anyone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?”
A drunk fellow stands up, removes his shirt and says, “HERE, FUCKIN’ IRON THIS!”
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Her Story vs His Story
A man and woman are having a relationship for about 4 months now. One Friday night, they meet at a bar after work. They stay for a few, then go get some food at a local restaurant near their respective homes. They eat, then go back to his house and she stays over.
Her story:
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar last night, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late, but he didn’t say anything much about it. The conversation was slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. So we went to this restaurant and he is still acting a bit funny and I am trying to cheer him up and I start to wonder if it is me or something else. I ask him and he says no. But you know I am not really sure.
Anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me. I don’t know what the hell this means because you know he doesn’t say it back or anything. We finally get back to his place and I am wondering if he is going to dump me. So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV.
Reluctantly, I say I am going to go to sleep. Then, after about 10 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave. I don’t know, I just don’t know, what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he’s met someone else????
His story:
Lousy day at work, low on funds, and tired. Got some lovin’ though.
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Rules Guys Wish Girls Knew
Rules Guys Wish Girls Knew
1. If you think you might be fat, you are. Don’t ask us. Just get your fat ass in a gym.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it is up put it down.
3. Don’t cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!
5. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he’s not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don’t ask him what he’s thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it’s not different, it’s just like every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday = Sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don’t expect us to like it.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don’t work.
18. No, he doesn’t know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We’re bound to miss sometimes.
20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes — what makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
23. Your Mom doesn’t have to be our best friend.
24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25. Check your oil.
26. Don’t give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
27. Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.
28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
30. If you don’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
32. Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
33. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done — not both.
34. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
35. Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions, and neither do we.
36. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
37. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
38. Telling us that the models in the men’s magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it’s certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
39. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
40. Anyone can buy condoms.
AND FINALLY,
41. Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.
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The Perfect Day According to Him and Her
The Perfect Day According to Him and Her
THE PERFECT DAY ACCORDING TO HER
8:45 WAKE UP TO HUGS AND KISSES
9:00 3 KILOS LIGHTER ON THE SCALES
9:30 LIGHT BREAKFAST
11:00 SUNBATHE
12:30 LUNCH WITH BEST FRIEND AT OUTDOOR CAFE
1:45 SHOPPING
2:20 RUN INTO BOYFRIEND’S/HUSBAND’S EX — NOTICE SHE HAS GAINED 20LBS
3:00 FACIAL, MASSAGE, NAP
7:30 CANDLELIGHT DINNER FOR TWO AND DANCING
10:00 MAKE LOVE
11:30 PILLOW TALK IN HIS BIG STRONG ARMSTHE PERFECT DAY ACCORDING TO HIM
10:00 WAKE UP
10:02 ORAL SEX
10:10 BIG COOKED BREAKFAST
11:30 DRIVE UP THE COAST IN FERRARI WITH GORGEOUS BABE WITH BIG HOOTERS
2:15 ENORMOUS LUNCH
3:15 ORAL SEX WITH GORGEOUS BABE WITH BIG HOOTERS
3:25 PLAY SPORTS WITH THE GUYS
4:30 DRINK BEER WITH THE GUYS
6:30 MEET ELLE MACPHERSON
6:40 ORAL SEX WITH ELLE MACPHERSON
6:50 HUGE DINNER, MORE BEER
8:00 USE ALL COMPONENTS OF HOME ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM MAKING SURE ALL THE REMOTES WORK
11:00 FULL ON, GET DOWN, GORILLA SEX WITH EITHER ELLE MACPHERSON, GORGEOUS BABE WITH BIG HOOTERS OR BOTH
11:10 SLEEP -
The Difference Between Men and Women in One Paragraph
The difference between men and women in one paragraph:
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells: “PIG!!”
The man immediately leans out his window and replies “BITCH.”
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
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Dumb Men Jokes Volume 4
Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren’t affectionate out of bed.What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.Why don’t men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.How does a man show he’s planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don’t talk.What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he’s God’s gift?
Exchange him.Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract.Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don’t work half the time.What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don’t have eyes.How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.What’s the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken, and the ones that are left are handicapped. -
Dumb Men Jokes Volume 2
Why do doctors slap babies’ butts right after they’re born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it’s time to go back to childhood, he’s already there.Why are men like commercials?
You can’t believe a word they say.Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.Why are women so bad at mathematics?
Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.What’s a man’s definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
When the power goes off.What do men and women have in common?
They both distrust men.How can you tell the difference between men’s real gifts and their guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.
What do men dream of? Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Slow.What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They’re married.Why don’t men often show their true feelings?
Because they don’t have any.Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So oxygen can get to their brains.What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
Castrated.What’s the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.What’s the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can remember them. -
Men’s English
Men’s English
I’m hungry = I’m hungry
I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy
I’m tired = I’m tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What’s wrong? = I don’t see why you are making such a big deal out of this
What’s wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
What’s wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I’m bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let’s have sex now
I love you, too = Okay, I said it, we’d better have sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn’t look that much different!
Let’s talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys
(while shopping) I like that one better = Pick any freakin’ dress and let’s go home!
I don’t think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I am gay.
