Misunderstanding jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
There was a virgin who wanted to marry a farmer boy. One day, she went to his parents’ house for dinner. When they got done eating dinner, they decided to go for a walk through the pasture. While they were walking they came upon the 2 horses that were mating. She looks at them with wonder because she’s never seen anything like this before so she asks the boy, “What are they doing?”
At a big cocktail party, an obstetrician’s wife noticed another guest, a big, over sexed woman, was making overtures to her husband. But it was a large, informal gathering, so she tried to laugh it off, until she saw them disappear into a bedroom together.
At once she rushed into the room, pulled the two apart and screamed, “Look, lady! My husband just delivers babies, he doesn’t INSTALL them!”
A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.”
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What is your occupation?”
The woman replies, “I’m a whore.”
The accountant balks and says, “No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let’s try to rephrase that.”
The woman, “Ok, I’m a prostitute.”
“No, that is still too crude. Try again.”
They both think for a minute, then the woman states, “I’m a chicken farmer.”
The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?”
“Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.”
Last night, my girlfriend told me that I’m her “number one.” That’s just great: Not only does she see another man, but I’m more numb than he is.
A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to do the wild thing. When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, “What happened to the other five condoms?”
His nervous reply was, “Er, I masturbated with them.”
Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, “Have you ever done that?”
“Yeah, once or twice,” he told her.
“You mean you’ve actually masturbated with a condom before?” she asked.
“Oh,” he said, “I thought you were asking if I’d ever lied to my girlfriend.”
A young man took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored. “What would you like to do next?” he asked.
“I wanna get weighed,” she said.
So the young man took her over to the weight guesser.
“One-twelve,” said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.
“I wanna get weighed,” she said.
I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. The girl’s mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, “What’s wrong, dear, didn’t you have a nice time tonight?”
“Wousy,” said the girl.
Jim was in bed with his best friend’s wife. Just as things were reaching a climax, he suddenly stopped and sat on the edge of the bed, holding his head in his hands. “What the hell’s wrong with you?” she asked.
A man rented an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on the mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of an apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. He smiled at her and she struck up a conversation. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was quite obvious that she had nothing on under the robe. He broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, “Let’s go in my apartment, I hear someone coming…”
He preceded her into the apartment, and after she closed the door, she leaned against it allowing her robe to fall completely open. She purred at him, “I saw you looking. What would you say is my best feature?”
He cleared his throat several times, looked her up and down and finally managed to squeak out, “Oh, it’s got to be your ears!”
She was astounded! “Why my ears? Look at these boobs! They are full, don’t sag, and they’re all mine! My butt — it’s firm, doesn’t sag, and has no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes or scars! Why in heaven’s name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!”
Clearing his throat once again, he stammered, “Outside when you said you heard someone coming — THAT WAS ME!”
