Joke Type: misunderstanding

Misunderstanding jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Wife’s Anatomy: Not What I Expected

    My wife says it’s okay to have a little penis. I still wish she didn’t have one, though.

  • Ears Have It: A Mistaken Compliment

    A young man is walking through his apartment lobby when he bumps into a gorgeous woman wearing a very loosely-tied robe.

    She begins flirting with him, and after a minute she places her hand on his chest and says, “Let’s go to my place. I hear someone coming.”

    He follows her into her apartment, and once inside she immediately slips off her robe.

    “Tell me,” she purrs, “what do you think is my best feature?”

    “Um, I guess that would be your ears,” he replies nervously.

    “My ears?” she says. “Look at these breasts! And this ass! How can you possibly think that the best part of this body is my ears?”

    “Well,” he stammers, “back in the hall when you said you heard someone coming? That was me.”

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  • Alive With the Sound of Muzak

    Nothing sours my holiday mood like surly people at the mall, especially ones who are unimpressed by my jubilant proclamation that my groin is alive with the sound of Muzak.

  • Boss Notices Tom’s Perfect Timing Problem

    Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.

    Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

    “Boss”, he said, “The pill actually worked!”

    “That’s all fine” said the boss, “But where were you yesterday?”

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  • Firing My Slingshot at Target

    The mall security dude arrested me for firing my slingshot at Target. Come on, they were asking for it!

  • Monday Sickness: A Suspicious Pattern

    The company hires a new man. He was supposed to start work on a Monday, but instead of showing up, he calls his new boss. “I’m sick,” he says. Boss excuses him.

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    The man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, greatly impressing everyone with his diligence and ability.

    The next Monday, he once again calls his boss. “I’m sick,” he says. Boss reluctantly excuses him, but notices that this is the second Monday in a row.

    Once again, the man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, even faster and better than the previous week.

    The following Monday, he calls his boss again. “I’m sick.” Boss excuses him, but decides to call the man in to talk on Tuesday.

    Tuesday comes and as soon as the man shows up, the boss calls him into his office. “What gives?” asks the boss. “I can see you’re a hard worker, but you’ve only been here three weeks and you’ve called in sick every Monday.”

    The man says, “Well, my sister is in a bad marriage and I go over to console her every Monday morning before work. One thing leads to another, and we end up having sex all day long.”

    “Your sister!” says the boss. “That’s disgusting.”

    The man says, “I told you I was sick.”

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  • Jack and Jill’s Unexpected Workplace Showdown

    There’s a boss who hired two workers (Jack and Jill) last summer as temporaries. The summer is now over, and he doesn’t have the money to keep both workers on, but he CAN keep one. He’s got a problem because they’re both good workers. So he decides to let fate settle his dilemma by firing the first one of the two that goes to the water fountain the next morning.

    Jill is the first to arrive, and, having a headache, takes two aspirins to the water cooler. The boss says to himself, “Well, that’s it then. It’s gotta be Jill.”

    He calls Jill into his office. “Money is tight, and I don’t have enough to keep you AND Jack on the payroll. So I either have to lay you or Jack off.”

    To which Jill replied: “Well, you’ll just have to jack off, because I have a headache.”

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  • The Pizza Delivery Guy

    A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!

    The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, “And how much money do you make a week?”

    A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, “I make three hundred dollars a week. Why?”

    The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, “Here’s four weeks’ pay — now GET OUT and don’t come back!”

    Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?”

    With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, “He’s the pizza delivery guy from Domino’s.”

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  • You’re Not Sterile

    A secretary walked into her boss’s office and said, “I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for you.”

    “Why do you always have to give me bad news?” he complained. “Tell me some good news for once.”

    “All right, here’s some good news,” said the secretary. “You’re not sterile.”

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  • Glitch in the Matrix

    The stunning advances in technology witnessed over the last few years make me believe that anything is possible, however unfathomable. Nonetheless, I wasn’t able to convince my girlfriend that her seeing me in bed with another woman was simply a glitch in the Matrix.