Joke Type: misunderstanding

Misunderstanding jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • The Escort and the Stripper

    Son: “So, Dad… why the heck did Mom kick you out of the house?”

    Dad: “Well, Son, it’s crazy, she overheard me on the phone with Uncle Mike talking about running some errands.”

    Son: “What errands?”

    Dad: “Mike was going to pick up a used car, and I was heading to the store for a tool to strip paint off some furniture.”

    Son: “What’s wrong with that? That doesn’t sound so bad…”

    Dad: “Yeah… I know, but all your mum heard was, ‘You go get the Escort, I’ll grab the stripper, and we’ll meet at your place.’”

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  • Larry and the Divine Light Switch

    A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal.

    The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

    Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

    “Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

    A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.

    “Bonnie…” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”

    “Oh for Pete’s sake!” exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

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  • Overheard at a Nursing Home

    Overheard at a nursing home:

    Old woman: “Anyone who can guess what’s in my hand can have sex with me tonight!”

    Old man: “An elephant!”

    Old woman: “Close enough!”

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  • Get a Hobby

    A man is talking to his therapist. “Doc, I feel like I’m wasting my life. All I do is sit around reading fantasy books. Must be my 50th time going through Tolkien. I feel so directionless.”

    The therapist tells him, “I would suggest finding a real hobby. One that gets you out of the house. Try it this week and come back.”

    The man shrugs. “Well, I guess it’s worth a shot.”

    The man goes back the following week and is on cloud nine. “Doc! I took your advice and I’ve had the best week ever. I must have been to a dozen different pubs, I went foraging for mushrooms, and I’ve been on all sorts of adventures.”

    “That’s great to hear. What did you do different?”

    “Instead of telling you, why don’t I show you?”

    The man opens the door and pulls in a little person with shaggy hair, bare feet, and smoking a long wooden pipe.

    The therapist is confused. “What does this person have to do with your new hobby?”

    There’s a long pause before the man replies, “Ohhh. Did you say get a hobby?”

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  • Penny in Sunday School

    Penny was never the best Sunday school student. She was always falling asleep in class and getting into trouble.

    “Penny,” the Sunday school teacher asked, one dozing day. “Who created the universe?”

    When she didn’t stir, Mark, who sat behind her, poked her in the rear with his pencil.

    “God Almighty!” shouted Penny, and the teacher said, “Very good.”

    A while later the teacher asked, “Penny, who is our savior?” But again Penny didn’t stir from her slumber.

    Mark poked her again with his pencil. “JESUS Christ!” exclaimed Penny.

    “Very well done,” said the teacher, impressed by her enthusiasm.

    Then after she fell asleep again the teacher asked her a third question: “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty third child?” and again, Mark jabbed her with the pencil.

    This time Penny jumped up and shouted, “I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!!”

    The teacher fainted.

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  • Chess With the Cat

    I was visiting the house of a distant cousin when I saw that he was playing chess with his cat…

    I said that it had to be the most intelligent cat ever.

    My cousin replied, “Absolutely not! She has lost all her matches!”

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  • The Wedding Night Request

    A Chinese immigrant couple just got married.

    On their wedding night, the groom decided to ask his bride what she wanted to do first.

    She thought about it, then excitedly said, “69! I wanna try 69!”

    Groom: “You want chicken with broccoli?”

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  • The Doctor Visit

    Patient: “Doc, my bum hurts…”

    Doctor: “Where specifically does it hurt?”

    Patient: “Right around the entrance.”

    Doctor: “Yeah well that’s the exit. As long as you think it’s an entrance, it’ll continue to hurt.”

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  • Little Johnny Uses a Big Word

    Little Johnny was asked to use the word “obituary” in a sentence by the teacher…

    So Johnny thought for a second and then said, “Oh bitch, you worry about me finishing my homework too much!”

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  • Confessions After the Ceremony

    A man and a woman meet in a bar, fall madly in love, and decide to get married a week later.

    After the ceremony, the man looks to his new bride, and says, “I have a confession to make. I am completely obsessed with golf. I eat, sleep, and breathe the game, it’s my obsession, and I hope you won’t hate me for it.”

    The woman looks at her new husband and says, “Honey, I could never hate you. But, I also have a confession to make. I’m a hooker, and hope you won’t hate me for it, either.”

    The man gets a rather tortured look on his face, rubs his chin, and after a few long moments says, “Ok, well, show me your stance.”

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