Joke Type: observational

If I could be anyone in history, I’d want to be Alexander Graham Bell’s assistant, Thomas Watson. That way, when Bell made that historic first phone call and uttered his famous words, “Mr. Watson, come here. I want to see you,” I could have said, “May I ask who’s calling?”

Many believe that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit. Yeah, like *that’s* true.

Sometimes I wonder what it will be like when the aliens come to take us all away. Most likely we’ll be just outside Earth’s atmosphere when some stupid douche will start wailing about his needing to use the bathroom.

Why is it that every single place I go smells like boogers?

Interesting bit of cultural trivia: The literal translation of the Japanese word “karaoke” is: “look like a friggin’ idiot.”

I sometimes imagine myself as a cold-blooded python with massive rippling muscles, capable of suffocating and devouring large prey, yet burdened with a tiny brain. Occasionally it can be healthy for me to get in touch with my inner pro wrestler.

I finally went on an excursion with Celebrity Cruise Lines, and there was a whole lot less drunken hoohah-flashing than I’d hoped for.

I regret that I have but one life to give towards avoidance of military duty.

No matter how much joy juice Bob drank at the company party, he couldn’t crack a smile, even once, because he had a secret: Bob was laughtose intolerant.