Relatable Jokes, Memes & Dark Humor

I’ve championed a lot of great Twitter accounts with only a few

I’ve championed a lot of great Twitter accounts with only a few followers and watched as they grew and surpassed my own, some by thousands. Assholes.

Settle an argument: When a friend breaks her arm, it’s the other friend’s responsibility to draw a giant penis and balls on the cast, right?

“I don’t wanna sound like a dick, buuuut…” is how I begin 94% of my conversations.

I thought my goldfish would thank me for the pizza crusts but they just got all wobbly like they didn’t give a fuck.

It’s daylight savings time! Don’t forget to not shut the fuck up about how the time change has really “thrown you off” for the next 2 weeks!

Hi kids. In case you’re wondering what it’s like to be an adult, my mom called and yelled at me for typing “fuck” on the Internet. I’m 38.

Perhaps one day we’ll have technology to keep the seat belt from getting slammed in the door. Or to keep men from sitting on their balls.

YOU KNOW YOU DRANK TOO MUCH

When you wake up beside Sarah Jessica Parker…

me: [absolutely killing it on harmonica]

taco bell cashier: are you gonna order

Me talking to the sink full of dirty dishes every night

I’m going to bed. Fuck the lot of you.