Satirical jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
We will never forget these unforgettable lines from some legendary 70’s movies
I love the smell of napalm in the morning! — Robert Duvall
You’re gonna need a bigger boat. — Roy Scheider
GO AHEAD MAKE MY DAY! — Clint Eastwood
ghag gagh gaagh ghaagh gaagh gaargh — Linda Lovelace
BLACK FRIDAY
by @MarkDice
USE PROMO CODE “GEORGE FLOYD” AND SAVE 100%
Portable Masturbation Hut
How many times have you been at the office, church, or PTA meeting and been reprimanded by a Negative Nancy for taking yourself to Pound Town? Probably more times than your moist fingers can count! Well now you’ll no longer need to sprint to the closet seconds before squirting your jort! thanks to the amazing Portable Masturbation Hut! Simply erect the unit in 18 easy steps, disrobe, and have a friend or coworker zip you into its warm confines. Then start treating yourself by beating yourself! There is no better way to discretely bring yourself to climax in public than this giant silver box.
#GK3945…………..99
Warning: Do not get moisture on the Portable Masturbation Hut. It is highly electrified!
“I’m in me!”
Just beat it…on the go!
Marriage not as good as ‘Predator’, say men
MARRYING a woman who shares your hopes and dreams is still nowhere near as good as Predator, according to a new survey.
A poll of husbands for Bride magazine found that 80% rated the Schwarzenegger epic had higher levels of excitement and intellectual stimulation than a lifetime commitment to some woman.
Be honest. You know that if a brown-skinned, Palestinian Jew attended a Trump rally and told the attendees to feed the hungry, house the homeless and welcome the stranger, they’d call Him a Socialist Libtard then crucify Him again.
mrohio32: Men made plane. Men made car. Men made ship. Women made what?? 🤨🤨
fathernathan: You, unfortunately
16. Filled out the necessary paperwork to have the paraffin spill from his birthday cake declared a federal Superfund cleanup site.
15. Tried to spring Mary-Kate out of rehab for a night of partying.
14. Blew birthday money on hookers. More precisely, H-O scale hooker figurines to install under the street lamps in his model railroad set.
13. Bravely liberated another gallon of Old Grand-Dad from the Strategic Booze Reserve.
12. No one knows for sure, but police say it involved a garden gnome, two quarts of industrial adhesive, a stun gun, and a Barry White CD.
11. Swam like a porpoise in his swimming pool filled with dot-com cash, bay-bee!
10. Same as every year: got hammered on cheap tequila at a bar and slapped silly by women less than amused by his drunken advances, laughed like a hyena while egging Letterman’s house, then returned home to torch up a doobie the size of a python.
9. Cocktails with Pat and Vanna while listening to them trash Trebek.
8. Tried to speed-eat his weight in free birthday Moons Over My Hammy breakfasts at every Denny’s in the Tri-State area.
7. Put the finishing touches on a surprise macramé prison jumpsuit for Martha Stewart.
6. Took a well-deserved day off from the soul-crushing grind of reading jokes all day for a living.
5. Had too much to drink and got a bit rowdy at Chuck E. Cheese’s, then got his ass kicked by a 16-year-old in a rat costume. Again.
4. Glued to CNN Headline News, fantasizing about Jenna Bush’s tongue.
3. “With all due respect, Mr. Vice President, I’m not even sure that’s physically possible — but I’ll give it my best shot, sir.”
2. Got his free annual mullet-trimming during NASCAR commercial breaks.
1. Negotiated for a 30-minute conjugal visit, then spent the extra 27 minutes watching The Golden Girls.
