Joke Type: satirical

Satirical jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Rules Guys Wish Girls Knew

    Rules Guys Wish Girls Knew

    1. If you think you might be fat, you are. Don’t ask us. Just get your fat ass in a gym.

    2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it is up put it down.

    3. Don’t cut your hair. Ever.

    4. Birthdays, Valentines and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!

    5. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

    6. Sometimes, he’s not thinking about you. Live with it.

    7. Don’t ask him what he’s thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.

    8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it’s not different, it’s just like every other cat.

    9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.

    10. Sunday = Sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

    11. Shopping is not sport.

    12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

    13. You have enough clothes.

    14. You have too many shoes.

    15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don’t expect us to like it.

    16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.

    17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don’t work.

    18. No, he doesn’t know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

    19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We’re bound to miss sometimes.

    20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes — what makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

    21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

    22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

    23. Your Mom doesn’t have to be our best friend.

    24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

    25. Check your oil.

    26. Don’t give us 50 rules when 25 will do.

    27. Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.

    28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

    29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

    30. If you don’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

    31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

    32. Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

    33. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done — not both.

    34. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

    35. Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions, and neither do we.

    36. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

    37. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.

    38. Telling us that the models in the men’s magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it’s certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.

    39. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

    40. Anyone can buy condoms.

    AND FINALLY,

    41. Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.

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  • If Men Were Pregnant

    If Men were Pregnant

    Maternity leave would last two years … with full pay

    There would be a cure for stretch marks

    Natural childbirth would become obsolete

    Morning sickness would rank as the nation’s #1 health problem

    All methods of birth control would be 100% effective

    Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained

    Men would be eager to talk about commitment

    They wouldn’t think twins were so cute

    Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM

    Briefcases would be used as diaper bags

    Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes

    They’d stay in bed during the entire pregnancy

    Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees

    Women would rule the world

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  • If Men Rewrote The Rules

    If Men Rewrote The Rules.

    Rule # 1 – Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

    Rule # 2 – If you don’t want to dress like Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

    Rule # 3 – If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

    Rule # 4 – It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

    Rule # 5 – Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?

    Rule # 6 – Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.

    Rule # 7 – You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done – not both.

    Rule # 8 – Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

    Rule # 9 – Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions and neither do we.

    Rule # 10 – Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

    Rule # 11 – When we’re turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying “This is our exit” is not necessary.

    Rule # 12 – Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.

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  • How to Talk About Men & Still be Politically Correct

    How to Talk About Men & Still be Politically Correct

    He does not have a BEER GUT – He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

    He is not a BAD DANCER – He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN

    He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME – He investigates ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

    He is not BALDING – He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

    He is not a CRADLE ROBBER – He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

    He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK – He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

    He does not act like a TOTAL ASS – He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.

    He is not a SEX MACHINE – He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED.

    He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG – He has SWINE EMPATHY.

    He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES – He has an INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENT.

    He is not afraid of COMMITMENT – He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED

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  • How To Ask A Man To Do Something

    How To Ask A Man To Do Something

    Always remember these five important rules when asking a man to do something:

    1. Make sure the man is conscious.
    1a. Then give him a Blow Job

    2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.

    3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three, or four hours, max.
    3b. Then … give him a Blow Job

    4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. A blow job will usually do just fine. Or, offer to cook him something that doesn’t have a peel-back cover.

    5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes. Or, threaten to not give him a blow job.

    6. Use would you or will you instead of you’d better or do as I say and no one will get hurt.

    7. When all else fails … Blow Job.

    OK, seven rules.

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  • Guide to the Male Vocabulary

    Guide to the Male Vocabulary

    1. “Haven’t I seen you before?” “Nice ass.”

    2. “I’m a Romantic.” “I’m poor.”

    3. “I need you” “My hand is oh so tired.”

    4. “I am different from all the other guys” “I am not circumcised.”

    5. “I want a commitment.” “I’m sick of masturbation.”

    6. “You’re the only girl I’ve ever cared about” “You are the only girl who hasn’t rejected me.”

    7. “I really want to get to know you better.” “So I can tell my friends about it.”

    8. “It’s just orange juice, try it.” “3 more shots, and she’ll have her legs around my head.”

    9. “She’s kinda cute.” “I want to shag her till my dick drops off.”

    10. “I don’t know if I like her” “She won’t let me shag her”

    11. “I miss you so much” “I am so horny that my male-roommate is starting to look good.”

    12. “Was it good for you?” “I’m insecure about my manhood.”

    13. “How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?” “Is my penis really that small?”

    14. “I had a wonderful time last night.” “Who the hell are you?”

    15. “Do you love me?” “I’ve done something stupid and you might find out.”

    16. “Do you ‘really’ love me?” “I’ve done something stupid and you’re going to find out sooner or later.”

    17. “How much do you love me?” “I’ve done something really stupid and someone’s on his way to tell you about it now.”

    18. “I have something to tell you.” “Get tested.”

    19. “I’ll give you a call.” “I’d rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.”

    20. “I’ve been thinking a lot.” “You’re not as attractive as when I was drunk.”

    21. “I think we should just be friends.” “You’re ugly.”

    22. “I’ve learned a lot from you.” “Next!!!!”

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  • A Mans Answer to Every Question a Woman Ever Asks

    A Man’s Answer to Every Question a Woman Ever Asks

    1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?
    It’s a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it’s not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We’re just misunderstood.

    2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?
    Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I’m fairly certain it’s some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.

    3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?
    We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It’s much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.

    4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?
    We like to. It’s actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.

    5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?
    You’d learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.

    6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?
    Well, we don’t actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It’s the old fashioned pride in a job well done that’s missing in so much of the world nowadays.

    7. WHY CAN’T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?
    Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we’re experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

    8. WHY CAN’T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E. LIE DOWN AND HUG)?
    Please… How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men… Men hunters… Need go roam… Starve in cave… Must go find wildebeest… Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.

    9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING?
    Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.

    10. WHY CAN’T MEN JUST SAY “I LOVE YOU”?
    Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It’s not easy to admit to one’s own character faults.

    11. WHY DO MEN SAY “I LOVE YOU” WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?
    Ho, Ho, Ho… Aren’t you special? Well, some men think it’s a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.

    12. WHY DOESN’T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?
    We just simply don’t have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.

    13. WHY WON’T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?
    Why should we? It doesn’t really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you’ll pick it up.

    14. WHAT’S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?
    This usually only occurs after months of courting. It’s our way to let you know that we’re comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it’s actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.

    15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?
    It’s an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err… buying?

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  • 100 Ways to Be a Man

    100 Ways to Be a Man

    (100 ways to keep your Testosterone flowing)

    1. Don’t call, ever.

    2. If you don’t like a girl, don’t tell her. It’s more fun to let her figure it out by herself.

    3. Lie.

    4. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as “spike”.

    5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them.

    6. Here’s a good pickup line: “My girlfriend’s pregnant, will you go out with me?”

    7. Drink Vernors.

    8. Play with yourself. Talk about it.

    9. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don’t want to answer, a nice grunt will do.

    10. Always remember: you are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn’t your fault.

    11. Lie.

    12. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help — don’t ask. People will think you have no penis.

    13. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.

    14. Vanity is the most important trait for a man to have. Whenever you pass a reflective surface, check your hair, clothing, etc.

    15. If you don’t like a girl but can’t think of a good enough reason why, just come up with trite, meaningless explanations like: “I don’t know. I just don’t like her personality.”

    16. Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.

    17. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.

    18. TWO WORDS: Hack and spit.

    19. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.

    20. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she’s missing and love you for not giving up on her.

    21. Tell her you will call, then refer back to Rule 1.

    22. Say things like “Wha…?”

    23. Don’t wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked them out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.

    24. Lie.

    25. Deny everything. Everything.

    26. Good break up line: “It’s not you, it’s me.”

    27. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her because if any of your female friends like you, they’ll really want to know.

    28. Don’t have a clue.

    29. If you get a clue, pretend you didn’t and disregard it.

    30. No means yes.

    31. Yes means no.

    32. If you don’t get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. Enforce this rule at all times.

    33. If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations. Improvise.

    34. Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often signifies the end of a relationship.

    35. Feelings? What feelings?

    36. Tell this to your girl before you have sex: “Don’t worry. If you don’t have an orgasm, you won’t get pregnant.”

    37. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it’s not true or kick some ass.

    38. Gays are an unacceptable part of our society. Take it upon yourself to eradicate all of them from the planet.

    39. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example: question: “Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?” Answer: “Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day.”

    40. Every sentence that anyone says can be contorted to have sexual meaning. Do so.

    41. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various genitalia. If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make an exact replica of your penis. Measure to make sure it’s right.

    42. Lie.

    43. “Love” is not in your vocabulary. Don’t even think about saying it.

    44. A general rule: if whatever you’re doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it’s really not worth it.

    45. Diss your girlfriend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Diss her again. Repeat cycle.

    46. Lie.

    47. ALWAYS apologize. NEVER mean it.

    48. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don’t.

    49. Try to have a good memory but it’s OK if you forget trivial things. You know, like your girlfriend’s birthday and eye colour.

    50. Ignorance solves problems. If you can’t see them, they can’t see you.

    51. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.

    52. Create new words and phrases to describe genitalia, sex, semen, etc.

    53. Complain about not getting any mail. When people FINALLY feel sorry for you and send you mail, ignore it and continue complaining.

    54. Lie.

    55. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don’t know.

    56. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don’t know.

    57. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON’T STOP! This is the desired reaction.

    58. You are NOT a virgin, ever. Males are born without virginity.

    59. You are male, therefore you are superior.

    60. Agenda for a boring evening: get beer, drink beer, play with yourself, have sex, drink more beer, pass out.

    61. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you.

    62. Don’t ever notice anything.

    63. If you’re going out with someone but you love someone else, don’t say anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in love with YOU, and then tell her.

    64. Basic fundamental rule of dating: quantity, not quality.

    65. Basic fundamental rule of sex: quantity IS quality.

    66. Lie.

    67. If you cheat on a girl but no one finds out, then technically you’ve done nothing wrong.

    68. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about anyway?

    69. If the question begins with “why”, the answer is “I don’t know.”

    70. Women are your napkins. Use them and throw them away.

    71. Remember: every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.

    72. If you ever find yourself in a position where you have been proven wrong, blame others. Come up with creative and believable excuses why they are at fault — not you.

    73. Don’t ever let anyone say “I told you so.” If you hear this phrase and it didn’t come out of your mouth, go ballistic.

    74. If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted “door spot” and others will worship your skills.

    75. Keep track of how many seconds in your life you have thought about sex. Compare with others.

    76. Other people’s pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long and loud.

    77. Lie.

    78. General Rule: different is BAD.

    79. If anyone asks you for a favour: (a) make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it; (b) remind them of this huge favour you’ve done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.

    80. Each penny you save will be worth at least a dollar in the long run.

    81. If you do something really mean to a girl and she doesn’t want to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn’t talk to you, casually ask: “Is something wrong?”

    82. Three words: “Let’s be friends.” Translation: “I never want to speak to you again but it’s bad for my nice-guy image if you are mad at me, so I’ll pretend I want to be your friend.”

    83. Lie.

    84. If you’re on a date and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many different dorms you’ve been laid in.

    85. When you tell a girl about your past, it’s good to say: “God, I was such a pimp back then.”

    86. Here’s a good trick. Tell a girl that you’re going to leave and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed. Leave and go into her dad’s room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell. (True story.)

    87. If a girl breaks up with you because you’re in love with someone else, she has no right to be upset because, you know, SHE’s the one who wanted to end the relationship.

    88. The best sex position is you, lying face up… and twenty girls on top.

    89. Practice your blank stare.

    90. Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your ass. Then, whenever you need one, you can pull it out of your ass.

    91. If you’re ever forced to show emotion, just pick random emotions like rage and lust and insanity and display them at random, inconvenient times. You won’t be asked to do it again.

    92. If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON’T want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn’t work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do but complain that you don’t know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say: “SEE? I TOLD you I couldn’t do it.” Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things.

    93. Work out day and night to make your body even more beautiful than it already is. When people ask if you’ve been working out, say things like: “No, Baby, I was BORN like this!”

    94. Do not listen to “pussy music” such as Erasure, Color Me Badd or Oldies.

    95. Beer. Then more beer.

    96. Scratch your balls. See if you can embarrass people.

    97. One word: FOOTBALL!

    98. Real men beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we don’t want the inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do we?

    99. Diss your girl friends for an occasional night or 5 out with “The Gang.”

    100. Lie.

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  • 100 Reasons Why Its Great to Be a Guy

    100 Reasons Why It’s Great to Be a Guy

    1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

    2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.

    3. You know stuff about tanks.

    4. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

    5. Monday Night Football.

    6. You don’t have to monitor your friends’ sex lives.

    7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.

    8. You can open all your own jars.

    9. Friends don’t give you crap if you’ve lost or gained weight.

    10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don’t rob you blind.

    11. When clicking through the channel, you don’t have to stop on every shot of someone crying.

    12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

    13. All your orgasms are real.

    14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.

    15. Guys in hockey masks don’t attack you.

    16. You don’t have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.

    17. You understand why Stripes is funny.

    18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

    19. Your last name stays put.

    20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.

    21. When your work is criticized, you don’t have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.

    22. You can kill your own food.

    23. The garage is all yours.

    24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

    25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.

    26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.

    27. You never have to clean the toilet.

    28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.

    29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.

    30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

    31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

    32. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

    33. The National College Cheerleading Championship.

    34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.

    35. You don’t have to shave below your neck.

    36. You don’t have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.

    37. You can be 34 and single, and nobody notices.

    38. You can write your name in the snow.

    39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.

    40. Everything on your face stays its original color.

    41. Chocolate is just another snack.

    42. You can be president.

    43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.

    44. Flowers fix everything.

    45. You never have to worry about other peoples’ feelings.

    46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.

    47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

    48. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

    49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.

    50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.

    51. Foreplay is optional.

    52. Michael Bolton doesn’t live in your universe.

    53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.

    54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.

    55. You don’t have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.

    56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.

    57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

    58. You don’t give a rat’s ass if someone notices your new haircut or not.

    59. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking, “He must be mad at me.”

    60. The world is your urinal.

    61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.

    62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.

    63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

    64. One mood, all the time.

    65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.

    66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one’s just too scuzzy.

    67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.

    68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you’re wearing.

    69. Same work… more pay.

    70. Gray hair and wrinkles add desirability to your appearance.

    71. You don’t have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.

    72. Wedding dress $2000; tux rental $100.

    73. You don’t care if someone is talking about you behind your back.

    74. With 400 million spermatozoa per shot, you could double the Earth’s population in 15 tries, at least in theory.

    75. You don’t mooch off others’ desserts.

    76. If you retain water, it’s in a canteen.

    77. The remote is yours and yours alone.

    78. Nobody looks at your chest when you’re talking to them.

    79. ESPN’s SportsCenter.

    80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.

    81. Bachelor parties whoop ass over bridal showers.

    82. You can have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.

    83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.

    84. You don’t need to pretend you’re “freshening up” to go to the bathroom.

    85. If you don’t call your buddy when you say you will, he won’t tell your friends you’ve changed.

    86. Someday you’ll be a dirty old man.

    87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase, “Fuck it, just fuck it!”

    88. If another guy shows up at a party wearing the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.

    89. You never have to read the instruction manual.

    90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

    91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you’re not in the mood.

    92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.

    93. If something mechanical doesn’t work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.

    94. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

    95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.

    96. You don’t have to remember everyone’s birthdays and anniversaries.

    97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.

    98. Your buddies can be trusted never to trap you with: “So… notice anything different about me?”

    99. Baywatch.

    100. There is always a game on somewhere.

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