Joke Type: satirical

Satirical jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Top 15 Rejected Slogans Promoting Abstinence

    The Top 15 Rejected Slogans Promoting Abstinence

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    15. Abstinence: Give Yourself a Hand!

    14. I say zip it — zip it good!

    13. Just because it’s the most pleasurable sensation you’ll ever feel in your lifetime doesn’t mean you should rush right out and experience it.

    12. Hey, do you want Ken Starr all over your ass?!

    11. Wham, Bam, Thank You Hand!

    10. Just Say Whoa

    9. Join the celibate Top 5 Contributors!

    8. The Pope does it — now *you* can, too!

    7. Abstinence: It’s not just for quarrels anymore!

    6. Leave It Near Beaver

    5. Don’t think of it as less sex — think of it as more time to watch “Babylon 5” reruns.

    4. You’ve come a long way, Baby — for nothing!

    3. Abstinence: No f**kin’ way!

    2. Spend a little time away from the orifice.

    1. “Hello, this is President Clinton with an important message for young people…”

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

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  • Top 15 Porn Goddess Pet Peeves

    The Top 15 Porn Goddess Pet Peeves

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    15. Recent flood of scripts with scenes involving cigars.

    14. Your SAG card isn’t as impressive as it could be because it bears the name “BUSTY CHIXX.”

    13. Video sales dropped 20% after Starr Report posted on the Web.

    12. Wow! I can’t believe that a gorgeous adult video queen is *actually* reading one of my submissions!! I’m sorry — what was the question?

    11. Inconsiderate jerk co-stars who grab the refried bean lunch special at the studio commissary.

    10. Auto mechanic always over-stressing the words pump, hose, fill and lube when he works on your car.

    9. Can’t enjoy a simple hot dog without thinking about work.

    8. Friggin’ plumber always seems to break more than he fixes, conveniently guaranteeing himself weekly visits to the house.

    7. Chauffeurs who keep asking if you want your top down.

    6. Mail keeps getting misdelivered ever since you named yourself after a continent.

    5. Directors who think that putting a girl on her knees on a rock-hard pool table under burning hot set lights for 5 hours straight with the ugliest partner known to man

    4. Those embarrassing “Bring Your Daughter To Work Day” moments.

    3. Trying to remove that piece of glued-on, strategically placed black paper after the magazine photo shoot.

    2. All that pesky dialogue — was my line “yes, yes, oh baby!”, or “oh baby, yes, yes!”?

    1. IRS auditors who keep demanding tangible evidence for “proof of employment.”

    [ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
    [ The Top 5 List http://www.topfive.com ]

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  • Top 14 Signs Your Father is a Pimp

    The Top 14 Signs Your Father is a Pimp

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    14. Your name: John
    Your brother’s name: John
    Your other brother’s name: John
    Your sister’s name: Trixie

    13. Buys all his clothes at “Dennis Rodman’s House of Cool-Looking Shit.”

    12. Current job: Head of the White House Intern Program.

    11. Stubbornly maintains he got his pink Cadillac by selling Mary Kay.

    10. Comes home from work grumbling about “that damn Roxy in the S&M Department.”

    9. When he’s carving the Thanksgiving turkey, says, “$40 gets you the sweetest piece of meat you ever saw, man!”

    8. Every time you breast feed, he takes $10 out of your college fund.

    7. After you collect for your paper route, he demands his “taste.”

    6. Charlie Sheen is your godfather.

    5. You’re the only Scout in the troop whose Pinewood Derby car has ocelot seat covers.

    4. His most common threat: “Don’t make me slap you — this is my day off!”

    3. Like Ward Cleaver, carries a pipe. Unlike Ward Cleaver, shares his pipe with your aunts.

    2. Enough about the stable already, where’s the damn pony?

    1. Every Christmas and birthday present: Another big-ass medallion.

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

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  • Top 13 Surprises in Victorias Secrets New Spring Line

    The Top 13 Surprises in Victoria’s Secret’s New Spring Line

    13. New “Victor’s Secret” line

    12. New catalogue has 25% more pictures of sexy lingerie-clad supermodels, the likes of whom you will never, ever date.

    11. Company’s efforts to create a more wholesome image results in addition of new Girl Scout lingerie line.

    10. Spring Special: Purchase any item from the “Rodman Collection” and get a free tattoo!

    9. Almost 10% of the clothing is now made by well-paid adults.

    8. All bras are now seductively beer-scented.

    7. Every wear you look — corduroy!

    6. The “Joey, What Are You Doing In There So Long With My Victoria’s Secret Catalogue?” junior bra and panty set.

    5. New “Wedge-o-matic” discreetly un-binds underwear from uncomfortable cracks.

    4. Damn near everything in the new “Monica” line is Scotch-Guarded.

    3. All Miracle Bras now confirmed and blessed by the Vatican.

    2. New Teletubbies bras — because it’s never too early to screw up a young girl’s self image.

    1. All kinds of interesting lifting and separating going on with that new Cross-Your-Ass Thong.

    [ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
    [ The Top 5 List http://www.topfive.com ]

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  • Top 13 Signs Youre Taking Your Breakup Too Hard

    The Top 13 Signs You’re Taking Your Breakup Too Hard

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    13. The tears flow in the produce section as the sight of two perfect cantaloupes bring memories of her flooding back.

    12. You keep calling his old number in the Oval Office, even though you know that new dumb guy always picks up.

    11. You don’t know what you’d do if you didn’t have your dotcom stocks to console y– uh-oh.

    10. You keep mailing her threatening letters because her restraining orders smell like her.

    9. Even your therapist suggests that you “take the manly route of suicide.”

    8. You start writing country songs… and the country is Bosnia.

    7. You ask your pastor if it’s improper to have a funeral for your penis.

    6. You’re too depressed to get out of bed and stalk her.

    5. Keeping a stained dress: Tacky
    Using it to clone an army of SuperPresidents: Creepy

    4. You haven’t returned any of Rupert Murdoch’s calls about appearing on “Who Wants to Catch a Multimillionaire on the Rebound?”

    3. Inspired by a combination of true love and a court order, you’re always just over 50 yards away.

    2. “All your albums are belong to me!”

    1. You cry every time you take a leak, because *she* used to take a leak.

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

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  • Check and Chuck

    The FDA announced today the approval of a new birth control product. The package combines an Early Pregnancy Test kit (or EPT) with the new French abortion pill, RU-486.

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    The product will be marketed by Dow Chemical under the shelf name of “Check and Chuck!!”

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  • 60-Minute Carbio Porkout

    I designed my new video to address an under-served niche: enabling Atkins dieters to enjoy the thrill of watching a starch-laden buffet get decimated without all the unwanted after-effects via “60-Minute Carbio Porkout!”

  • Hitler Video Games

    Hitler Video Games

    September 1st, 1939 (colorized) Hitler playing his first video games that caused him to be violent and start WW2.

  • Republican Replacement Obamacare

    Republican Replacement Obamacare

    Say what you will about Donald Trump, but injecting bleach and shining sunlight up our butts is the most detailed Republican replacement for Obamacare I’ve heard so far.

  • Britain Colonised The Universe

    Britain Colonised The Universe

    When you realise everyone in the Marvel Universe speaks English, which means that Britain must’ve colonised the entire universe

    *Laughs in British*