Joke Type: self-deprecating

Self-deprecating jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

If I had a nickel for every Rumination that mentioned my tits,

If I had a nickel for every Rumination that mentioned my tits, I’d stick them on my tits. I’ll bet they’d make *awesome* pasties.
Thanks to my dog’s coprophagia, today I encountered the most

Thanks to my dog’s coprophagia, today I encountered the most foul, vile substance ever known: dog-poop vomit. As disgusting as it was to clean up, there’s a bright side: I’m a shoe-in to get filthy Rumination of the day!
Good: Saying “hello” and getting a smile in return from the

Good: Saying “hello” and getting a smile in return from the lovely maid who arrives as you leave your extended-stay hotel room for a quick bite to eat. Bad: Realizing 10 minutes later that you left your wank rag and hotel lotion on the night stand. Again.
People think I’m some sort of sexual superhero. But I put on my

People think I’m some sort of sexual superhero. But I put on my latex barbed-wired crotchless panties one leg at a time, just like everyone else.
My wife claims I’m callous and unsupportive. Apparently she

My wife claims I’m callous and unsupportive. Apparently she missed the chapter in “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” where the Martian phrase “I’m ready to listen” translates roughly, to, “What the fuck crawled up your butt?”
The concierge looked at me funny when I asked to get extra

The concierge looked at me funny when I asked to get extra coffee and lotion delivered to my room, but, hey, I may be on vacation, but my penis isn’t!
I know the Bible says “Love thy neighbor as thy self,” but I

I know the Bible says “Love thy neighbor as thy self,” but I don’t care what Jesus says — I’m not about to go around giving
I saved some $5,000 in potential counseling bills trying to cure

I saved some $5,000 in potential counseling bills trying to cure my scat fetish, and all it took was having to change my twin nieces’ diapers over the holiday weekend.
I’m NOT a nerd. It was merely a mental slip when my girlfriend

I’m NOT a nerd. It was merely a mental slip when my girlfriend said the word “dildo” and I thought she was talking about that dude in “The Hobbit.”
People say I’m the life of the party ’cause I tell a joke or two

People say I’m the life of the party ’cause I tell a joke or two — though I’m pretty sure my letting the guys bang me on the coffee table might be a factor.