Notice to all those who thought I have no life: Yesterday, I sent three tweets to Facebook, videotaped myself doing that, uploaded the clip to YouTube, then boasted about it in Second Life. Beat that, losers.
Joke Type: self-deprecating
Self-deprecating jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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Dumb Men Jokes Volume 3
How do you get a man to do situps?
Glue the TV remote between his ankles…What kind of clothes are there?
Women: clean & dirty
Men: Clean, almost clean, sorta clean, not bad, dirty, really dirty, nasty, biohazard. (Men will voluntarily wear all but the last classification of these clothes.)Why do Black Widow spiders kill their mates after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about was legs, breasts and thighs…How is being at the singles bar different from being at the circus?
At the circus the clowns don’t talk…What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it’s getting interesting they are finished until next time…What do men have in common with toilet bowls, anniversaries, and clitorises?
They miss them all.What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.What’s the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.What’s the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can’t stand criticism.I went to the County Fair. They had one of those “Believe it or not?” shows. They had a man born with a penis and a brain.
What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man’s undivided attention.How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don’t know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get, or how long it’ll stay.Did you hear about the banker who’s a great lover?
He knows first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep from grazing.Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
Because they already have boyfriends!Did you hear the one about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.Why do men like masturbation?
It’s sex with someone they love.What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.Husband: I don’t know why you wear a bra, you’ve got nothing to put in it.
Wife: You wear briefs don’t you?What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.What is a man’s view of safe sex?
A padded headboard. -
A Mans Answer to Every Question a Woman Ever Asks
A Man’s Answer to Every Question a Woman Ever Asks
1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?
It’s a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it’s not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We’re just misunderstood.2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I’m fairly certain it’s some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?
We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It’s much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?
We like to. It’s actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?
You’d learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?
Well, we don’t actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It’s the old fashioned pride in a job well done that’s missing in so much of the world nowadays.7. WHY CAN’T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we’re experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.8. WHY CAN’T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E. LIE DOWN AND HUG)?
Please… How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men… Men hunters… Need go roam… Starve in cave… Must go find wildebeest… Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.10. WHY CAN’T MEN JUST SAY “I LOVE YOU”?
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It’s not easy to admit to one’s own character faults.11. WHY DO MEN SAY “I LOVE YOU” WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?
Ho, Ho, Ho… Aren’t you special? Well, some men think it’s a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.12. WHY DOESN’T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?
We just simply don’t have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.13. WHY WON’T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?
Why should we? It doesn’t really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you’ll pick it up.14. WHAT’S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?
This usually only occurs after months of courting. It’s our way to let you know that we’re comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it’s actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?
It’s an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err… buying?
