My dog is really smart.
I asked him, “What’s two minus two?”
He said nothing.
Joke Type: setup-punchline
Setup-punchline jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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Where I Draw the Line
I do a lot of illegal things…
But graffiti is where I draw the line.
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A Huge Penis
My girlfriend ran away screaming when she saw I had a huge penis.
Now the police are involved asking weird questions like “Who does it belong to?” and “Where is the rest of him?”
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Widow Maker: The Ultimate Catch
Two guys, Frank and Bob, were out fishing on a quiet lake.
A funeral procession passed over a nearby bridge, and Bob took off his hat.
He stood in silence with his hat over his heart until the cars passed.
“That was a very moving gesture, Bob,” Frank said.
Bob replied, “It’s the least I could do; I was married to her for 30 years.”
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You Already Own Her Home
As my daughter was walking out the door to go on her first date, in my best grumpy old tough guy dad voice, I growled, “I want her home before midnight.” The boy she was going with stopped dead in his tracks, turned slowly around and with wide eyes replied….
“But you already own her home!”
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John’s Terrible Choice at the Farmer’s Market
A truck driver named John was in court after a horrific accident where he drove his truck through a crowded farmer’s market, claiming fifty lives.
The courtroom was silent as the prosecutor approached the stand, looking John dead in the eye.
The prosecutor said, “John, we have the tire tracks. We have the witness testimony. You were driving down a straight road. To your left, there was a lone man fixing a flat tire. To your right, there was a crowded market with fifty people. You steered directly into the crowd. How do you explain yourself?”
Wiping his brow and looking distressed, John replied, “It was a nightmare, sir. I was coming down the hill when my brakes completely gave out. I was flying! I had a split second to make a choice.”
The prosecutor asked, “And you chose to hit fifty people instead of one man?”
John exclaimed, “No! Of course not! I’m not a monster. I aimed for that one guy!”
The prosecutor, now even more confused, shouted, “Then how did you end up plowing through the entire market and killing fifty people?”
John sighed heavily and answered, “Well, just as I was about to hit him… the jerk started running toward the crowd!”
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CEO’s Impossible Interview Question Stumps Everyone
A high end and very well known business wants to hire a new accountant.
But everybody who went in for an interview got rejected. People with 30+ years in the industry were turned away like they were morons. The reputation of this job started to spread, and caught the attention of a kid who recently graduated college and was looking for a job in the field.
He figured he had nothing to lose, so he applied and was called into an interview with the CEO.
The CEO said “I only ask one question when looking for accountants.” The kid gulped, but nodded. After a pause, the CEO asked:
“What’s 1+1?”
Confused, the kid thought about the question for a bit, then smiled and answered “it’s whatever you want it to be.”
“You got the job,” the CEO replied.
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Johnny’s Surgery Gets Out of Hand
“Doctors and Nurses”
A woman brings ten-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her ten-year-old daughter.
Johnny’s mother says, “Let’s not be too harsh on them… they are bound to be curious about sex at that age.”
“Never mind sex” replies Mary’s mother. “He’s taken her fucking appendix out!”
