Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Joke Type: sexual innuendo
Sexual innuendo jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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Dead Chicken, Nearly Lost Mommy
Young David came home from school one day and found his pet chicken laying on the ground with his legs pointing straight up into the sky. When his father got home, he explained that the chicken has died and his legs were pointed up to Jesus in heaven. They buried the chicken and that was that.
Two weeks later his dad came home from work and David ran up to him yelling, “Daddy, Daddy, we nearly lost Mommy today.”
“What?” his father replied.
“When I got home from school, Mommy was laying on the bed with her legs pointing up in the air yelling, ‘Jesus, I’m coming, Jesus I’m coming.’ If it wasn’t for Uncle Terry holding her down we would have lost her for sure!”
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Four Types of Orgasms Explained Hilariously
John: you know there are four types of orgasms?
Jim: no what are they?
John: There’s the POSITIVE, NEGATIVE, RELIGIOUS and FAKE.
The positive goes oh yes! oh yes!.
The negative goes oh no! oh no!
The religious goes oh God! oh God!
And the fake one goes OH JIM! OH JIM!. -
Wetting My Fingers to Turn the Pages
There was this couple in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on and read a book. As he was reading he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling with her pussy. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book.
The wife then got up and started stripping off in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, “What are you doing taking all your gear off?”
The wife replied, “You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier.”
The husband said, “No, not at all.”
The wife then asked, “Well, what were you doing then?”
“Oh,” he said, “I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book!”
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500 Votes Per Boob
Well, another election in my household has passed and the results are in: The Sex-Every-Sunday Referendum was defeated soundly, 1000-1. I knew agreeing to the 500-vote-per-boob Electoral College would come back to haunt me.
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X-Ray to X-Rated
If I were to ever get X-ray vision, I expect it would last about ten seconds before becoming X-rated vision.
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Energizer Bunny Dies From Backwards Battery Mishap
I’m saddened to announce the passing of The Energizer Bunny.
AP August 22, 1996 – The Energizer Bunny, known best for “going and going and going…” passed away last evening at 12:42am. Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming…
Foul play has not been ruled out.
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Dear Diary: A Viagra Diary
Dear Diary:
Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He’s impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn’t he tell me something I don’t know! I mean, gimme a break. He’s been dysfunctional for so long that he even walks with a limp.Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.Day 4
A miracle has happened! There’s a new drug on the market that will fix his ‘problem.’ It’s called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He said, ‘this time, I’d rather not have your mother join us.’ I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I’d like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. Get over yourself! Not everything is about you!Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker.Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I’m hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he’s washing the Viagra down with hard cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn’t working. What am I gonna do?Day 11
The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning blue. The other day, we were watching Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet and he thought it was The Smurfs Do Denmark.Day 12
I’m basically being drilled to death. It’s like going out with a Black and Decker power tool.Day 13
I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep saying ‘fabulous,’ and still he keeps coming after me!Day 14
Now I know how Saddam Hussein’s wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there’s a sneak attack! It’s like going to bed with a scud missile. Let’s hope he’s not like ex-President Bush and takes 100 days to pull out!Day 15
I’ve done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me sister Wendy revs his motor.Day 16
I may just have to kill him. Then he’ll go out the way he wants to… stiff! With my luck, I won’t be able to close the casket. -
$50 Every Time
My current girlfriend loves to give blowjobs. Then again, so would I if I got $50 every time I did it.
