Joke Type: sexual innuendo
Sexual innuendo jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
-
The Worst Thing About Being an Atheist
What’s the worst thing about being an atheist?
You have nobody to talk to when you’re having an orgasm.
-
A MILF Shake
What’s the term for getting a handjob from a single mom?
A MILF shake.
-
45 Pounds vs 45 Minutes
We all know the difference between a girlfriend and a wife is 45 pounds, but…
Q: What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.Q: What is the definition of “making love”?
A: Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A: It’s not real bright, but it’s cheap, and spreads easy.Q: What’s the difference between Pee-wee Herman and O.J.?
A: It took 12 jerks to get O.J. off.Q: What does a Polish woman do after she sucks a cock?
A: Spits out the feathers.Q: What’s a blonde’s favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme. -
Taken the Edge Off My Appetite
A woman asks her husband if he’d like some breakfast.
“Bacon, eggs, perhaps some toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit and a cup of fresh coffee.”
He declines, “It’s the Viagra,” he says, “it’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”
At lunch time she asks if he would like something. “A bowl of homemade soup, maybe with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?”
Again he declines. “No thanks. It’s the Viagra,” he says, “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”
At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a super burger. “Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or how about a tasty stir fry? That’ll only take a couple of minutes…?”
Once more he declines, “Again, thanks, but it’s the Viagra. It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”
“Well then,” she replies, “Would you mind getting off me? I’m fucking STARVING!”
-
Woman BJ Etiquette Rules and Mens Response
Woman B. J. Etiquette Rules (and Men’s Response)
Woman B. J. Etiquette Rules
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 – So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don’t care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw; it is not standard practice to cum on someone’s face.
4. Extension to rule #3 – No, I DON’T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule #5 – do not push on the top of my head. Do you really WANT puke on you?
7. I don’t care HOW relaxed you get; it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it’s “hummer week” – get it through your head – I’m bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don’t feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can’t have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8 – “Blue Balls” might have worked on high school girls! If you’re that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don’t tell me I’ve just “wrecked it” for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it’s probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we’re good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn’t particularly taste good. And I don’t care about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don’t get B. J. often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because “it’s awake” when you get up does not mean I have to “kiss it good morning”.
Man’s reply to Woman’s B. J. Etiquette
1. First of all, yes you are obligated to do it. If you don’t, we will find someone (younger, prettier, and dirtier) who will.
2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.
3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word “queef” mean anything to you?
4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Don’t worry about it & be thankful I’m not pulling your hair.
5. If you ever tell me what to say & not to say to my friends again, you won’t have to worry about getting those little hairs stuck in your teeth…because you won’t have any.
6. Maybe if you brushed your teeth & got the smell off your breath we would stick around afterward.
7. When you’re on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching & moaning.
8. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get, trust me.
9. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the shit end of the stick in flavor country.
10. At least there is no danger of bleeding in your mouth.
11. Play with the balls.
12. No matter how good you think you are at it, we’ve had better.
13. B. Js are the only reason we spend time with you instead of our friends, take that away and you are, literally, useless.
14. Caress the ass, too, we like that.
15. Make hay when the sun shines. It’s “wide awake” in the morning now, but when you get old & fat (and you will) and looking for some action, gah-ron-tee it’ll be “sound asleep”.
16. If you swallow, then you don’t have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you? Leave the thinking to us, okay?
