Joke Type: story joke

Story joke jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • My First Time With a Condom

    I recall my first time with a condom. I was 19 or so.

    I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.

    She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

    I honestly answered, “No, this is my first time.”

    So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused, so she looked all around the store to see if it was empty.

    It was empty. “Just a minute,” she said, and walked to the door and locked it.

    Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. “Do these excite you?” she asked.

    Well, I was so dumbstruck that all I could do was nod my head.

    She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

    “Well, come on,” she said. “We don’t have much time.”

    So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW — I was done within a few minutes.

    She looked at me with a bit of a frown.

    “Did you put that condom on?” she asked.

    I said, “I sure did,” and held up my thumb to show her!

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  • The Old Man and the Prostitute

    A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ year old man walking past. She hadn’t had a customer in a while, so she whistles at him and says, “Hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?”

    The old man said, “But I won’t be able to…”

    Prostitute: “C’mon man… give it a try…”

    Old man says okay. They go in. The old man whips out his dick and fucks the daylights out of her for 30 minutes. When he’s done, the prostitute, all exhausted and tired, says, “But you said you won’t be able to…”

    “…pay you,” replied the old man.

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  • The Circumcision

    Two little boys were lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.

    The first boy leans over and asks, “What are you in for?”

    “I’m here to get my tonsils out and I’m nervous,” the second boy says.

    The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about! I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of ice cream and Jell-O. It’s a breeze!”

    “Well, what are you here for?” the second kid asks.

    “A circumcision,” the first kid replies woefully.

    The second kid says, “Wow! I had that done when I was born and I couldn’t walk for a year!”

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  • Fuck Him, Give Him Five Dollars

    A mailman was delivering mail on Christmas Eve when a beautiful middle-aged woman stopped him and said, “Can you come inside the house real quick?”

    The mailman was intrigued and followed her inside.

    She took him to the bedroom, started taking her clothes off, and they had sex.

    After it was over, he got dressed to leave, and she handed him a five-dollar bill.

    The mailman, confused, asked, “What was all this for?”

    She said, “My husband and I were discussing Christmas gifts, and I asked him if we should give anything to the mailman.”

    “He said, ‘Ahh, fuck him, give him five dollars.’”

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  • I Washed Them the Day Before

    Jerry and Stan are walking down the street when they see a stunning woman in a first-floor window blowing kisses at them.

    Jerry says, “Hey, look at that! That woman is blowing kisses at me!”

    Stan replies, “Just ignore her. Don’t pay her any mind.”

    The woman then gestures for Jerry to come up to her apartment.

    Jerry says, “Did you see that? She’s calling for me!”

    Stan insists, “Man, don’t go up there!”

    Jerry asks, “Why not? Why don’t you want me to go see her?”

    Stan pleads, “Dude, just listen to me. Don’t go!”

    Jerry ignores him and runs into the building.

    The woman comes down to meet him, and they go up to her apartment.

    Just as they are about to get into bed, they hear a car horn outside.

    The woman looks out the window and says, “Oh no, that’s my husband!”

    “Crap!” Jerry exclaims.

    “Don’t worry,” she says, pointing to a large pile of clothes. “I’ll just tell him you’re the new housekeeper. Here, start ironing these clothes.”

    Because the husband stays home all day, Jerry spends the entire day ironing.

    The next day, Jerry goes to Stan’s house and tells him the whole story.

    “You won’t believe what happened. Her husband came home, and to avoid suspicion, she had me iron a huge pile of clothes. I was stuck there ironing all day!”

    “I told you not to go,” sighs Stan. “All those clothes you spent the day ironing? I washed them the day before.”

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  • In Vietnam

    Once, the Pentagon realized it had far too many generals and suggested they retire.

    It promised that any general who stepped down immediately would receive a pension equal to his salary plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between two points on the general’s body. The generals could choose those points themselves.

    The first to agree was an Air Force general. He told the pension officer to measure from the top of his head to the tips of his toes. It came out to six feet. He retired with a check for $720,000.

    The second was an Army general. He asked for the distance from the tips of his fingers, with his arms stretched upward, to the tips of his toes. That came out to eight feet. He retired with a check for $960,000.

    When the third general, a gray-haired Marine, was asked which two points to measure between, he said, “Measure from the tip of my penis to my testicles.”

    The pension officer suggested that perhaps the respected Marine general might want to reconsider, mentioning the generous sums the previous generals had received. But the Marine stood his ground.

    A medical officer was called in for such a delicate measurement. He approached the general and asked him to take it out. The general did.

    The medical officer placed a ruler at the tip and suddenly recoiled.

    “My God!” he exclaimed. “Where are the testicles?”

    “In Vietnam,” the general replied.

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  • Nope — I Slept With Your Wife

    A man walks into a bar.

    The bartender asks, “Why the long face?”

    The man replies, “I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I’ve decided I’m going to drink myself to death.”

    The bartender looks shocked and says, “I’m sorry, I can’t help you kill yourself.”

    The man asks, “Well, what would you do in my situation?”

    The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says, “If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife, I wouldn’t sit around feeling sorry for myself. I’d kill the guy.”

    The man jumps up from his stool and shouts, “That’s a great idea! Thanks!” Then he runs out of the bar.

    A couple of hours go by, and the bartender starts to get nervous. Then the man walks back in with a smile on his face.

    “Did you kill the guy?” the bartender asks nervously.

    “Nope,” the man says. “I slept with your wife. Whiskey, please.”

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  • A Long Time — We’re Buildin’ a Garage

    A couple of rednecks pull into a lumberyard. One goes in and asks the clerk for some four-by-twos.

    “You mean two-by-fours?” the clerk asks.

    The redneck says, “I’ll go check.”

    He goes back to the car, asks his buddy, and returns a minute later.

    “Yeah, two-by-fours will be fine,” he tells the clerk.

    “All right,” says the clerk. “And how long?”

    “Just a minute,” says the redneck, and heads back out to the car.

    A minute later he comes back and says, “A long time. We’re buildin’ a garage.”

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  • Who Ate the Cleaner?

    Four cannibals apply for a job in a big corporation.

    “Well,” says the boss, “if I hire you guys, you have to promise not to eat any of our staff.”

    The cannibals promise they won’t eat anyone, and they get hired.

    Everything goes well for a while, until one day the boss calls them into his office.

    “You’re working well and all, but we’re missing an office cleaner. Do you have something to do with that?”

    The cannibals swear they’re innocent.

    The boss believes them and leaves the office.

    Their leader turns to the others and screams, “You idiots! Who ate the cleaner?”

    One of the cannibals sheepishly raises his hand.

    “You fool!” shouts the leader.

    “For weeks we’ve been feasting on directors, team leaders, project managers, and human resources staff — and then you go and eat someone they’ll actually miss!”

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  • No, It Has to Be the Bull

    A politician was touring his rural constituency in his shiny Range Rover, press in tow, visiting farmers, showing his face, and trying to come across as a man of the people.

    He suddenly found the narrow country lane blocked by a bull being led by a small girl with a rope through its nose ring.

    As the girl tugged at the aggravated bull’s rope, the politician got out to see how he could be of assistance.

    With the press looking on, he approached the girl and asked, “Young lady, just what are you doing with such a large, dangerous animal on the public road?”

    “This old bull?” says the girl. “I’m taking him down to the neighbors’ place to service one of their cows.”

    “Shouldn’t your father be doing that?” asks the politician.

    “Oh no…” says the girl. “It has to be the bull.”

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