I told one of my HMO patients to go get a tonsillectomy, and now he’s mad because he thought I said “appendectomy” and got his appendix removed instead. I guess I should really look into getting my drive-thru speaker fixed.
Sensitivity: Dark
Dark humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Chain It to a Pipe in the Basement
If you really love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, chain it to a pipe in the basement, because you don’t want to take a chance like that twice.
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The Truth About Santa Claus
I think, deep down inside, little children want to be told the truth about Santa Claus. Why else would they stand in line for an hour just to sit on my lap?
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Devil Chef Celery
For our patrons!
A Devil Chef Health Tip!
Enjoy Celery
Nature’s Toothbrush For Your Colon!
Fiber Rich!
Packed with Vitamins!
Ribbed for Xtra Pleasure!
Ooh LaLa!
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Newspaper Bird Prank Goes Horribly Wrong
Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked “What do you have under the newspaper, mister?”
“A bird,” the guy replied.
The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, “I don’t know. I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I’m here.”
Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her “What did you do to that naked fellow?”
After a little pause, the girl replied, “To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire.”
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Long Distance Love’s Texting Troubles
Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity to each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted both to go to the same college, but, the girl was accepted to a college on the East Coast, and the guy went to a college on the West Coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and to spend anytime they could together.
As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around.
He didn’t take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and e-mails trying to win back her love. She soon became very annoyed with his persistence and now with a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.
So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend’s unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, “I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone.”
Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but, even more, so, he was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.
He wrote on the back of the photo the following, “Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money! I’m getting pretty desperate!” and mailed the picture to her parents.
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# Long Distance Love’s Harsh Reality
Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity to each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted both to go to the same college, but, the girl was accepted to a college on the East Coast, and the guy went to a college on the West Coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and to spend anytime they could together.
As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around.
He didn’t take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and e-mails trying to win back her love. She soon became very annoyed with his persistence and now with a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.
So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend’s unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, “I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone.”
Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but, even more, so, he was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.
He wrote on the back of the photo the following, “Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money! I’m getting pretty desperate!” and mailed the picture to her parents.
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Fava Beans and a Nice Chianti
I cried because I had no shoes. Then I met a man who had no feet. And then no hands. And then no head. And then I ate his tasty liver with fava beans and a nice Chianti.
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His Parking Space
I’d imagine that one thing worse than finding out Osama Bin Laden is still alive would be him coming back to work to find that you’ve been using his parking space all this time.
