Sensitivity: Dark

Dark humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Deadly Green Furry Pool Table Surprise!

    What’s green and furry and has four legs and if it falls out of a tree and lands on you, you’ll die?
    A pool table.

  • Two hunters

    Two hunters were out in the woods when one of them suddenly collapsed.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    The other grabbed his phone, called emergency services, and yelled, “Help! We were out hunting, and I think my buddy’s dead! What do I do?!”

    The operator said calmly, “All right, sir. First, make sure he’s dead.”

    There was a pause… then two gunshots.

    The hunter came back on the line and said, “Okay — now what?”

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  • The last soup

    As the dingy, small restaurant is about to close, a customer rushed through the door and said: “Please, I am starving, I will order anything you have or anything easy to make. Plus a soup.”

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    The waiter replied: “Sure, we have some rotisserie chicken that we can bring to you, but we are all out of soup.” Pointing to the corner of the restaurant, he said, “That gentleman ordered the last one.”

    The last customer then noticed a lone, sad looking man sitting at a small table with his head down, with a full bowl of soup in front of him. After contemplating a bit, he asked in a gentle voice: “Sir, I noticed that you have not eaten your soup. If you don’t mind, may I have it?”

    The sad man silently moved the dish with bowl of soup and soup spoon towards the direction of the last customer.

    “Thank you, thank you!” the last customer took the soup back to his table and started eagerly eating it… until he noticed the dead rat at bottom of the bowl.

    Totally disgusted by what he saw and ate, he vomited violently, back into the bowl. finally, after he calmed down, wiped tears off his eyes and dabbed the corner of his mouth with a napkin, he noticed the sad man looking mournfully at him.

    “I know, that’s what I did too.” The sad man said.

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  • Temperature Check: Taste vs. Tradition!

    What’s the difference between oral and rectal thermometers?
    The taste.

  • Eyes Wide Open: A Unique Surgery Success

    Went to school with a guy who was born without eyelids. He underwent surgery where they circumcised him and used the foreskin to create natural looking eyelids. The operation was a success.

    He still looks a little cockeyed though.

  • Clowning Around with Cannibal Comedy

    Two clowns are eating a cannibal.
    One turns to the other and says, “Hey, I think we got the joke wrong.”

  • Cheese Wheel Tragedy: A Wedding Day Disaster

    A wedding photographer was today tragically crushed by a 200lb wheel of cheese that fell off the catering truck.
    The guests all tried to warn him.

  • A guy goes to the doctor

    A guy goes to the doctor and says “Doc, I feel really terrible the last day or two. My entire body aches, my vision and hearing are failing, I’m completely fatigued, and just feeling malaise overall.”

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    The doctor says “We’re going to run some tests on you, come back tomorrow for the results.”

    The guy comes back the next day and the doctor says, “I have some very bad news. Please sit down.”

    He continues, “You have an extraordinarily rare disease, we believe it’s virus, but it’s so rare it doesn’t even have a name yet. This illness is ravaging your whole body – the nervous system, respiratory system, cardiovascular system, digestive system, reproductive system, all of the systems in your body are shutting down quite rapidly. The entire medical field is confounded by the sudden onset of this disease, and so far, researchers have found no treatment or cure. And I’m sorry to tell you this, but you have about 3 days to live, maybe less.”

    The man slumps over, fully in shock, and says “Oh my God, Doc. This can’t be happening. I’m young, I have a family, I have so much to live for. Is there ANYTHING that can be done?”

    The doc replies, “Again, and I’m so sorry to say this, but there is nothing we can do. You will be dead within days.”

    The man begins to shake and weep, crying “Please, doc, I have a wife and two young children. I can’t do this to them. My babies can’t grow up without a father. And my wife is the kindest, most loving person I’ve ever met, and neither of us have any living family members left. I can’t bear the thought of leaving her alone in the world to try and care for our children.”

    The man then begins to loudly sob, “PLEASE, doc, I’m BEGGING YOU, is there ANYTHING that can be done? An experimental drug or treatment? PLEASE, I will try ANYTHING!”

    The doctor says, “Well, there is one treatment I’ve heard about. I cannot vouch for it and I don’t believe there’s any research showing any efficacy.”

    The man’s eyes widen and he asks, “PLEASE TELL ME!”

    Doctor says, “Okay, there is a holistic spa just across town. This spa offers a unique type of mud bath, not unlike a mud mask used for skin care, except it is applied to the entire body. The mud is actually a type of mineral-rich clay that is only found in two areas of the world. If you leave my office right now, you should be able to get there in about five minutes and undergo the treatment.”

    The man asks through tears, “Is there a chance I will get better?”

    The doctor says, “No, but it will help you start getting used to the dirt.”

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  • Sleep Peacefully, Not Screaming!

    I hope I go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa. Instead of screaming like his passengers!

  • Lawyer Overboard: Throw Another Lawyer!

    If a lawyer falls overboard in shark infested waters, what do you throw in the water?

    Another lawyer.