Sensitivity: PG-13

Pg-13 humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • The Safari and the Mother-in-Law

    Ben went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.

    One night, deep in the jungle, his wife woke up and discovered her mother was missing.

    Panicked, she woke Ben and insisted they go look for her.

    Ben grabbed his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and headed into the jungle.

    Not far from camp, they came upon a clearing and a chilling sight.

    The mother-in-law was backed up against a dense bush, while a large male lion stood facing her.

    “What are we going to do?” his wife whispered.

    “Nothing,” said Ben. “The lion got himself into this mess. Let him get himself out of it.”

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  • Failed Sex Ed

    Bobby and Jack got their report cards from school and found they failed sex ed…

    Bobby told Jack, “I’m so angry, I want to kick Ms. Williams in the nuts!”

  • The Ex-Wife Tom Never Had

    After a long courtship, Tom finally marries his longtime girlfriend. One day after the honeymoon, Tom is in the garage cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.

    His wife comes out, watches Tom work for a few minutes, and says, “Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it’s time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars.”

    Tom gets this absolutely horrified look on his face, and his wife says, “Darling, what’s wrong?”

    Tom says, “I’m sorry. For a second there, you sounded exactly like my ex-wife.”

    “Ex-wife!” she screams. “You never told me you were married before!”

    And Tom says, “I wasn’t.”

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  • The Blonde and the Bet on the News

    Jack walked into a sports bar late one evening and sat down next to a blonde woman watching the news.

    The report was about a man standing on the edge of a tall building, about to jump.

    The woman asked, “Do you think he’s going to jump?”

    Jack replied, “I’m sure he will.”

    “I’m sure he won’t,” she said.

    Jack put down $30 and said, “You’re on.”

    Just as she placed her money down, the man jumped and fell to his death.

    The woman, upset, handed Jack her $30.

    “Fair’s fair… here’s your money.”

    Jack said, “I can’t take this. I saw the 5pm news earlier and I already knew he was going to jump.”

    The blonde woman replied, “I saw it too. I just didn’t think he’d do it again.”

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  • Not a Single Piece of Straight Wood

    Happy Pride Month to Home Depot!

    There isn’t a single piece of straight wood in that place.

  • I Think It’s Nuts

    The instructor in my self-defense class said that the most effective place to kick a man is near his knees.

    Personally, I think it’s nuts.

  • Well I’m Here Now

    A member of the KGB is walking along a production line in a factory and decides to ask a few questions of one of the workers.

    KGB: “Comrade, if you had a drink of vodka, could you still perform your appointed tasks?”

    The worker thinks a bit and replies, “Yes, I think so.”

    KGB: “Comrade, if you had five drinks of vodka, could you still perform your appointed tasks?”

    The worker again considers this a bit and again replies, “Yes, I think so.”

    KGB: “Comrade, if you had ten drinks of vodka, could you still perform your appointed tasks?”

    The worker answers quickly, “Well, I’m here now…”

  • A Little Drinking Problem

    A Little Drinking Problem

    I think I might have a little drinking problem

  • The Voodoo Doll Wife

    My wife yelled from upstairs and asked: “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”

    I replied: “No.”

    She responded: “How about now?”

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  • Catch a Falling Star and Blackmail It

    Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket. Then tell it that unless you get a cool half-mil, you’ll sell to the highest tabloid bidder those embarrassing photos of it puking naked in the alley.