Sensitivity: PG-13

Pg-13 humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • The Rolls Royce Key Fob Trick

    Two guys are sitting in a bar. One says to the other, “Every time I see you in here you walk out with a different girl. What’s your secret?”

    The first guy replies, “It’s really easy. As soon as I walk into the bar, I casually toss my Rolls Royce keys onto the bar and the gals practically throw themselves at me.”

    The second says, “Wow, you’ve got a Rolls Royce?”

    The first guy replies, “No, I’m just as poor as you. I bought this Rolls Royce key fob on Amazon for $30 and the ladies are none the wiser.”

    So, the other guy goes on Amazon and buys the exact same key fob. He then goes to various bars with no luck whatsoever.

    A few weeks later, he runs into the guy again. He tells him, “Your key fob trick is bogus, I went to at least 20 bars, no lady looked at me twice, please take this bad luck charm off my hands.”

    The first guy says, “Maybe it would work better if you took off your bicycle helmet first!”

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  • The Bald Man and the Forest

    There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting…

    He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they’ll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair.”

    “What I want you to do…” the man continued. “Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.”

    So they did.

    Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

    And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

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  • Trump Ties in Russia

    Trump Ties in Russia

    Concrete evidence of Trump ties in Russia

  • Trumpets

    Trumpets

    John: *writes Revelations* Lord, the End is signaled by trumpets?

    God: No, Trump/Pence

    John: Right. Trumpets.

    God: Fine. They’ll know.

  • Or Get the Hose Again

    Or Get the Hose Again

    ROSES ARE FOR VASES
    LOTION’S FOR THE SKIN
    YOU WILL BE MY VALENTINE
    OR GET THE HOSE AGAIN.

  • Small Pinch

    Small Pinch

    DOCTOR: ur gonna feel a small pinch

    ME: ouch

    DOCTOR: alright I’m done pinching u, tell me why ur here

  • Books on Turtles

    [Walks into bookstore]

    Me: Do you have any books on turtles?

    Worker: Hard back?

    Me: Yeah, with little heads.

  • Three Horse

    An old Indian was asked the name of his wife,

    He replied, “Three Horse.”

    “That’s an unusual name for your wife, Three Horse. What does it mean?”

    The Indian replied, “It’s an old Indian name.”

    It means, Nag, Nag, Nag.

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  • Can I Come Over

    I was in Walmart using the restroom when, just as I closed the stall door, a voice from the next stall said:

    “Hey! How’s it going over there?”

    Embarrassed, I replied, “Not bad, thanks.”

    The voice asked, “Cool. What are you up to?”

    I said, “Umm… just trying to take care of a little private business over here.”

    Then the voice asked, “Alright. Can I come over?”

    Shocked, I replied, “Excuse me?!”

    Then I heard, “Listen, I’ll have to call you back. Some idiot in the next stall keeps answering all my questions.”

    I stayed in the stall until he left.

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  • The Unfaithful Wife

    A man goes to the therapist and says…

    “Doctor, you got to help me. My wife is unfaithful to me. Every night, she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up a man.

    She sleeps with anybody who asks her. I can’t take this anymore!”

    The therapist says:

    “Relax. Take a deep breath, sit down, and tell me exactly, where’s Larry’s bar?”

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