Sensitivity: Questionable

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, “Honey, my hands are freezing!”

She says, “Well, put them between my thighs and that will warm them up.”

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, “Man! My hands are really freezing!”

Again she says, “Well, put them between my thighs and warm them up again.” He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood to get them through the night. When he returns to the cabin, he states once again, “Honey, my hands are really, really freezing.”

She looks at him and sighs, “For crying out loud, don’t your ears ever get cold?”

A man and a woman who had never met before but were both married to other people found themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy about sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1 a.m., the man leaned down and gently woke the woman, saying, “Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet and get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”

“I have a better idea,” she replied. “Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.”

“Wow! That’s a great idea!” he exclaimed.

“Good,” she replied. “Get your own fucking blanket.”

A very handsome man decided it was his duty to marry the perfect woman so they could have unbelievably beautiful children. So he set out on a mission to find her.

Before long, he met a farmer who had three stunning daughters — absolutely gorgeous. The man explained his mission to the farmer and asked permission to court one of them.

The farmer said, “Well, they’ve all been hoping to get married. Look ’em over and take your pick.”

So the man dated the first daughter. The next day, the farmer asked how it went.

“Well,” the man said, “she’s wonderful… but she’s just the tiniest bit — and you’d hardly notice — pigeon-toed.”

The farmer nodded and suggested the man try the second daughter.

So he did. The next day, the farmer asked again.

“Well,” the man said, “she’s great too… but she’s just the slightest bit — again, hardly noticeable — cross-eyed.”

The farmer nodded. “Well, give the third girl a chance.”

The man went out with her, and the very next morning he came rushing back, excited.

“She’s perfect!” he said. “Absolutely perfect. She’s the one!”

So they got married right away, and a few months later, the baby was born.

The man rushed down to the nursery — and nearly fainted. The child was… well… not exactly the beautiful baby he expected.

Panicked, he ran to his father-in-law. “How could this happen? With two parents as good-looking as we are?”

The farmer sighed and said, “Well… she was just the teeniest bit — you could hardly tell… already pregnant when you met her.”

I asked some girl if she was interested in experiencing the best sex in her life.

“No!” she quickly replies.

“Then you’re lucky because you’re talking to the right guy,” I said.