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Uncensored humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

No Fuck No Ride

A truck driver and his pet parrot were hauling a load of chickens. He stopped to pick up an attractive hitchhiker, swung the door open and asked, “You want a lift?”
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“Yes, thank you!” she said and started to climb in when the parrot exclaimed, “Wanna fuck?”

“No!” she answered and the parrot screeched, “No fuck no ride!” and fluttered like crazy, scaring the hitchhiker off.

The truck driver was appalled and told the parrot he should be ashamed of himself and not to let it happen again. The parrot squawked his call of agreement and nodded his head.

Further down the road they happened upon another hitchhiker – this time a musician with a guitar on his back.

The trucker stopped, swung the door open and said, “Howdy, stranger! That sure is a nice guitar. Need a lift?”

“Sure do, thanks, mister,” he answered but once again the parrot screeched, “Wanna fuck? No fuck no ride!” and the trucker sped off, embarrassed and furious at his parrot.

“Damn it, bird! What did I say about this earlier? If you pull that stunt one more time I’m gonna throw you in the back with the chickens!” The parrot squawked, “All right, all right, not again.”

Several miles down the road they saw another hitchhiker and the trucker gave the parrot a stern look but the parrot did the same thing all over again and the trucker had finally had enough.

He threw the parrot in the back with the chickens, convinced the hitchhiker it was all a misunderstanding and to accept his offer for a ride and had a pleasant conversation as they headed down the road.

Just before they reached the next town the trucker noticed a police car, lights on and siren wailing, pulling up beside him and ordering him to pull over.

“What seems to be the problem, officer?” the trucker asked. “I wasn’t speeding, I have all my numbers and my load is secure.”

The trooper yelled, “Secure load? You have a 12-mile trail of chickens being chucked out the back by a parrot yelling ‘No Fuck, No Ride!’”

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Bear Hunting

Bob was excited about his new .338 rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
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The black bear said, “That was a very bad mistake. That bear is my cousin, I’m going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or you let me fuck you in the ass.”

After considering briefly, Bob decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Bob.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Bob soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.

The grizzly said, “That was a big mistake, Bob. That bear was my cousin and you’ve got two choices — either I maul you to death or you let me fuck you in the ass.”

Again, Bob thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Bob.

Although he survived, it took several months before Bob fully recovered. Now Bob was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear lets out a huge sigh and says, “Admit it, Bob, you’re not here for the hunting, are you?”

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The Nun and the Golf Game

A nun walks into Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
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“What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”

“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”

“I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”

“Far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I even took the Lord’s name in vain today!”

“Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”

“Well, we were on the fifth tee… and this hole is a monster, Mother; a 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green… and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted… and it hits a bird in mid-flight!”

“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”

“No, that wasn’t it,” admitted Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”

“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized the Mother.

“But I didn’t, Mother!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!”

“So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother with a knowing smile.

“Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said…

“You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?”

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How to Wave a Blanket

An old Australian farmer marries the beautiful twenty-year-old daughter of a neighbouring farmer. After a week or two of regular sex, the farmer can’t seem to make the young woman climax. There is no doctor in the nearby town so he goes to visit the veterinarian and explains the situation.
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The vet thinks for a little while and then says, “While I am not a human doctor, when farmers can’t get their cows excited for the bull, it’s usually on a very hot day like it is now. The farmer will wave a large blanket over the cow, which seems to get her into the mood.”

The old farmer thinks for a while and decides to hire a young man from the town to wave the blanket while he makes love to his beautiful young wife.

The young man dutifully waves the blanket over the copulating couple but after about ten minutes she remains unimpressed.

Perturbed by now, the old farmer says to the young man, “Let’s swap places and see what happens.” The farmer then starts waving the blanket vigorously and soon his beautiful young wife begins to climax numerous times.

The old man drops the blanket and proudly yells, “That, my boy, is how you wave a fuckin’ blanket.”

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That Bar Shit Is Over

My wife and I had only been married two weeks when I told her, “Honey, I’m going to Hank’s Tavern for a beer. I’ll be right back.”
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“Where are you going, Coochy Coo?” she asked.

“I’m going to the bar, Pretty Face,” I said. “Just for a beer.”

“You want a beer, my love?” She opened the fridge and showed me 25 different kinds from 12 countries.

“Yes, Lollipop… but at the bar they have frozen glasses…”

“You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?” She pulled out a huge frozen mug from the freezer.

“Yes, Tootsie Roll… but they have really good hors d’oeuvres there too…”

“You want hors d’oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?” She took out trays of chicken wings, pigs in blankets, and mushroom caps.

“But baby, at the bar there’s swearing and dirty words…”

“You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP, CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR SORRY ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR FUCKIN’ BEER IN YOUR STUPID FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR DUMB ASS HORS D’OEUVRES RIGHT HERE! YOU’RE FUCKIN’ MARRIED NOW — THAT BAR SHIT IS OVER. GOT IT, DUMB ASS?”

Exactly why I’ve been married for 27 years….

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