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Uncensored humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Two Dead Dogs

    Last week, my girlfriend’s dog died. So to cheer her up I bought her an identical one. She was livid.

    Yelled at me, “What the fuck am I going to do with two dead dogs?”

  • Next Door Neighbor

    My next-door neighbor came over wearing a see-through negligee. Asked to borrow a cup of sugar.

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    Then winked at me and asked to come in for some hot coffee.

    I said, “Fuck off, Dave.”

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  • Three Men Shopping for Christmas Presents

    Three men in the city shopping for wives’ Christmas presents.

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    They agree on two presents each and to meet in the bar after a couple of hours so they can compare their haul. Later in the bar they get their gifts out…

    First man: “I got my wife a necklace and a scarf, so if she doesn’t like the necklace, she can wear the scarf over it.”

    Second man: “I got my wife a wrist watch and some long gloves, so if she doesn’t like the watch she can pull a glove over it.”

    Third man: “I got my wife some perfume and a dildo, so if she doesn’t like the perfume she can go fuck herself.”

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  • The Nudist Colony and the Dropped Cigar

    There’s an old man who is considering joining a nudist colony, so he goes there to find out what it’s like. The person at the front desk tells him he is welcome to try it out before he joins. He takes his clothes off and goes for a walk. After a while he takes a seat on a bench, sees a very attractive woman go by, and gets an erection. She notices and stops and gives him one of the best blow jobs he’s ever had. He immediately goes back to the front desk and signs up.

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    Later on he’s walking along smoking a cigar, and he drops it. He bends over to pick it up and a man comes up behind him and has his way with him. The old man goes back to the front desk and demands his money back. When asked why he says, “I get an erection maybe every three or four months, but I drop my cigar half a dozen times a day.”

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  • The Deaf Mute Parents

    A young man, out on the tiles with his mates, spies the girl of his dreams across a dance floor. Having admired her from afar, he finally gets up the courage to talk to her. Everything goes better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening.

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    Saturday night, the young man arrives at her house with a bunch of flowers and a box of chocolates. To his surprise, she answers the door in nothing but a towel. “I’m sorry,” she exclaims, “I’m running a bit late. Please come in and I’ll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you while I finish dressing. I should warn you though, they are both deaf mutes.” With this, she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears.

    As you can imagine, this is a little uncomfortable as both of the parents are completely silent. Dad is sitting in his armchair watching football on TV and Mum is busy knitting.

    After about 10 minutes of complete silence, Mum jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her knickers and pours a glass of water over her backside. Just as sudden, Dad launches himself across the room, bends her over the couch and takes her from behind. He then sits back in his chair and balances a match stick in front of his eye.

    The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief. After a further ten minutes, the daughter returns fully dressed and ready for the evening. The date is a complete disaster. The young man is totally pre-occupied by the antics of the young lady’s parents.

    At the end of the date, sensing something is seriously wrong, the young lady asks the young guy, “What’s the matter? What have I done wrong?”

    “No, it’s not you,” he replied, “It’s just that the strangest thing happened whilst I was waiting for you and I’m still shocked. Well, first your mother jumps from her chair, lifts up her skirt, pulls down her panties and throws a glass of water over her behind. Then, as if that wasn’t enough, your father races from his chair, leans her over the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back and places a match stick by his eye.”

    “Oh, is that all?” replies the girl.

    The man can’t believe her casual response.

    “Mum was simply saying, ‘Are you going to get this asshole a drink?’ And Dad was replying, ‘No, fuck him, I’m watching the match.’”

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  • Top 13 Signs a Cartoon Character Is a Terrorist (Part II)

    The Top 13 Signs a Cartoon Character Is a Terrorist (Part II)

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    13. Maybe it’s the burqas, but there’s something unsettling about Jihad and the Pussycats.

    12. Miss Hannigan is hard of hearing and thinks she has been promised 72 urchins.

    11. You overhear “Eh, what’s up, bin Doc?”

    10. Who else would have masterminded the tainted spinach outbreak last September?

    9. You hear “Arriba! Arriba!” and look up to see an unattended, ticking package where there was nothing a moment before.

    8. Cathy hasn’t packed on as many pounds over the years as you’d think: “Ack! This sweater won’t fit over my suicide belt!”

    7. “I tawt I taw an imperialit devil. I did! I did see an imperialit devil!”

    6. He’s on Al-Jazeera declaring, “Ubuhdee ubuhdee ubuhdee ubuhdee ubuhdeath to America!”

    5. When that sociopathic, sadistic bitch once again yanks the football away from Charlie Brown, he cuts off her hands then has her stoned to death.

    4. Your interrogators seem to think this Pinocchio character is lying.

    3. “Duck season!” “Rabbit season!” “Duck season!” “Rabbit season!” “Rabbit season!” “DucKA-BOOOOOOOOOOM!”

    2. Seen taking ACME BAT WING flying lessons without learning how to land.

    1. “I will gladly pay you Tuesday for some mustard gas today.”

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  • The Bank Robbery and the Triplets

    So a lady walks into a bank, and right when she gets into the bank it gets held up, and she gets shot three times in the stomach, and she’s pregnant, so that’s no good.

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    She’s rushed to the hospital and they fix her up. As she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor says, “Oh! You’re going to have triplets. Don’t worry, they’ll be just fine, but each one has a bullet lodged in its stomach. Don’t worry though, the bullets will pass through their system through normal metabolism.”

    As time goes on the woman has three children, two girls and a boy.

    Twelve years later, one of the girls comes up to her mother and says, “Mommy, a very weird thing just happened to me. I was going to the bathroom and a bullet dropped into the toilet.” The woman comforts her and tells her what happened at the bank.

    A couple weeks later, the other daughter comes up and goes, “Mom, I was in the bathroom and I heard a ping and there was a bullet there.”

    The mother goes, “Honey, don’t worry,” and tells her about the bank.

    A month later the son comes in and says, “Mommy, I’ve done a very bad thing!”

    “You passed a bullet into the toilet, didn’t you?”

    “No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog.”

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  • The Farmer’s New Cock

    A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as he gets it home, it fucks all the farmer’s 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch the cock screws all 150 hens again.

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    The next day it’s fucking the ducks and geese too. Later he finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead with vultures circling overhead.

    The farmer says, “You deserved it, you horny bastard!” The cock opens one eye, points up, and says, “Shhhhhh. They’re about to land!!”

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  • The Ex-Wife and the Coffee Catch-Up

    A man bumps into his ex-wife after not talking for many years, and they decide to grab a coffee together and catch up.

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    “So,” says the man, “I heard you got remarried.”

    “That’s right,” she says.

    The man smirks. “And how does he like your sorry excuse for cooking?”

    “Oh, he likes it just fine,” she says.

    “And how does he like your god-awful blowjobs?”

    “Oh, he likes them just fine,” she says.

    “Yeah? And how does he like that tired, worn-out old pussy?”

    “Oh, he likes it just fine,” she says. “Once he gets past the tired, worn-out part.”

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  • The Boss and the Thousand Dollars

    A boss said to his secretary, “I want to have sex with you. I’ll make it very fast. I’ll throw $1,000 on the floor. By the time you bend down to pick it up, I’ll be done.”

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    She thought about it for a moment, then called her boyfriend and told him the story.

    Her boyfriend replied, “Go for it, but ask him for $2,000 instead. Pick up the money as fast as you can—he won’t even have time to undress himself.”

    So she agreed.

    Half an hour later, the boyfriend called her back.

    “What happened?” he asked.

    She replied, “That bastard used coins… I’m still picking them up, and he’s still going!”

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