Uncensored humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
A prostitute at a brothel dies during intercourse.
The man runs downstairs, crying, “My God, she’s dead! What am I going to do?”
The Madam intercepts him. “Now just keep cool,” she says, “and I’ll call the coroner.”
“The coroner? What for? I can’t fuck him!”
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor explained that he had invented a new machine that could transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the baby’s father.
He asked if they would be willing to try it. Both of them were enthusiastic about the idea.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% to start, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the husband had ever experienced before.
As the labor progressed, however, the husband felt perfectly fine and asked the doctor to increase it.
The doctor adjusted the machine to transfer 20% of the pain.
The husband still felt great.
Amazed, the doctor checked his blood pressure and found everything completely normal.
Since he was handling it so well, they decided to increase the transfer to 50%.
The husband continued to feel comfortable, and the pain relief was helping the wife considerably.
Encouraged by the results, the husband told the doctor to go ahead and transfer all of the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no discomfort.
She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
A traveling circus came to town, and a man decided to go see it. There were animals, clowns, jugglers — lots of impressive acts. But the most impressive performer was a man who could crack walnuts with his penis.
Twenty-five years later, the same circus returned. Curious, the man went back to see if that performer was still around.
Sure enough, there he was. Same act, but this time he was smashing coconuts instead of walnuts.
After the show, the man went backstage and said, “I remember you from 25 years ago. Back then you were cracking walnuts with your penis. Why did you switch to coconuts?”
The performer sighed and replied, “I’m getting old… My eyesight isn’t what it used to be.”
A lady was showing her dog at all of the local shows but despite having a tremendous dog, she never placed higher than third. She cornered one of the judges after one show and asked why her dog never won.
“Well, the problem is that your dog has too much hair between its toes and we have to deduct points because of that. You have a great dog, but it’s not winning because of the hair between its toes.”
Upset, the lady said, “But I trim it as close as possible! What can I do!?”
“Well,” the judge said, “go to the pharmacy and get some liquid hair remover and put it between your dog’s toes. You’ll be able to pull the hair right out and you’ll win best in show, I guarantee it!”
So the lady rushed to the pharmacy to find the liquid hair remover. She went up and down every aisle but couldn’t find it. The pharmacist saw her searching and asked if he could help.
“I’m looking for liquid hair remover, and I can’t find it,” she said.
The pharmacist said, “It’s on aisle ten. I’ll show you.”
He walked her over and picked up the bottle. As he handed it to her he said, “Now, after you use this, you can’t wear panty hose for a couple of days because the chemicals will bond the nylon to your skin.”
The lady said, “Oh, it’s not for my legs, it’s for my schnauzer.”
And the pharmacist said, “Well in that case, don’t ride a bicycle for at least a week.”
A guy walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat in tow. They take a seat and the man orders a round of drinks. The barman serves the guy but doesn’t say anything — just watches the guy with his ostrich and cat intently.
A small argument breaks out between the man and the cat, with the cat flatly refusing to buy a round. So the man relents and goes to the bar, and the barman, his curiosity piqued, asks, “Hey mate, what’s with the ostrich and the cat?”
The guy replies, “Well, I was walking down the street and I came across a magic lamp, so I gave it a rub and a genie appeared and granted me one wish.”
The barman, fascinated, listens intently as the guy continues his story: “So with my one wish, I asked for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy.”
A sailor on leave in the south Pacific finds that his whoring and carrying on has caught up with him and he’s come down with a horrible venereal disease of some kind. So, he consults the ship’s surgeon and is mortified when the doctor tells him that there’s nothing else for it — the organ must be amputated.
Desperate for an alternative, he tries consulting local doctors, nurses, medicine men — whoever he can find. Way out in the boonies, he consults a witch doctor on the problem and explains that he desperately wants to avoid the amputation.
The witch doctor looks at him with a frown and a sigh. “Those western doctors — all they know how to do is cut, cut, cut! There’s no need for that.”
“So, we don’t have to amputate!?”
“Not at all. Two… three more weeks and it’ll fall off on its own.”
A man walks into a bar and orders a Screwdriver, so the bartender hands him an apple.
Confused, the man says, “Bartender, I would like the drink.” The bartender shakes his head no and says, “Just eat the apple.”
The man takes a bite out of the apple and to his surprise he says, “Wow, this tastes like vodka!” and the bartender says, “Turn it around.” So the man turns the apple around and takes another bite and says, “This side tastes like orange juice!” and he walks away eating the rest of the apple.
A few minutes later he asks the bartender for another drink. “I would like a Mimosa,” he says. The bartender reaches under the bar and hands the man another apple. Tired of apples, the man asks for the drink again and the bartender refuses and tells him to just eat the apple. He takes a bite and again to his surprise the apple tastes like champagne. “Wow, this is a cool trick!” The bartender again tells the man, “Turn it around.” The man turns the apple around, takes another bite and again it’s orange juice!
A few minutes go by and the man approaches the bar heavy in thought. He says to the bartender, “You know, if we can make these apples taste like pussy we could be rich!” The bartender reaches under the bar and hands the man another apple. “No way!” says the man as he mouth-wateringly takes a huge bite out of the apple. Almost immediately he spits apple chunks everywhere and on the verge of vomiting he yells at the bartender, “This apple tastes like SHIT!”
And so the bartender said, “Turn it around.”
A student comes to a brothel and says, “I want sex, but I’m a student, I don’t have much money.”
They tell him, “Okay, we have a special offer for students: it costs $1 to insert, $1 to pull out.” The student chose a girl, they went to the room. They got into bed, started. He put it in her and doesn’t move. She screams, “Pull out, pull out!” He replies, “I’m out of money.”
A prostitute says to a guy, “Hey baby, looking for a good time?” The guy asks, “How much?” She says, “$500.” He agrees.
They go back to a hotel room, where he immediately heads for the bathroom.
After waiting for a few minutes she goes to check on him, and finds him furiously jerking off.
“What the hell are you doing?” she asks. “Don’t you want to have sex?”
And the guy says, “For $500, do you think I’m gonna let you get the easy one?”
