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Uncensored humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • A Lucky Night At The Bar

    I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60+-year-old. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.

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    We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double. ‘What’s that?’ I asked. ‘It’s a mother-and-daughter threesome,’ she said.

    As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, ‘No, I haven’t.’

    We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, ‘Tonight’s your lucky night.’ We went back to her place.

    We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs, ‘Mom… you still awake?’

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  • Iced Tea With Two Ladies

    Two southern ladies were sipping iced teas on a warm afternoon.

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    The first one wiggled her wrist and bragged, “See this tennis bracelet? My husband gave it to me just because.”

    The second lady nodded and politely said, “Bless your heart.”

    The first one then twirled her pearl necklace with her finger and said, “My husband gave me this for my birthday. Don’t you just love the luster?”

    The second lady said, louder this time, “Bless your heart.”

    The first one then said, “See this two-carat diamond ring?” Waving her hand in front of the second lady’s nose, she added, “My husband replaced my wedding ring with it because he is now so well off!”

    The second lady exclaimed, “OH, BLESS YOUR HEART!”

    The first lady then smugly said, “No offense, but what did your husband get you?”

    The second lady replied, “He paid for me to go to charms school.”

    “Oh dear, so what have you learned?” inquired the first lady condescendingly.

    The second lady said, “We learned to say ‘bless your heart’ instead of ‘F*uck you!’”

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  • The Old-Timer’s Tips

    A cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.

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    The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition.

    ‘Do you think you could give me some tips?’ he asked.

    The old man looked him up and down and said, ‘Well, for one thing, you’re wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.’

    ‘Will that make me a better gunfighter?’ asked the young man.

    ‘Sure will,’ replied the old-timer.

    The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44, and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

    ‘That’s terrific!’ said the hot shot. ‘Got any more tips for me?’

    ‘Yep,’ said the old man. ‘Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That’ll give you a smoother draw.’

    ‘Will that make me a better gunfighter?’ asked the younger man.

    ‘You bet it will,’ said the old-timer.

    The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

    ‘Wow!’ exclaimed the cowboy. ‘I’m learnin’ somethin’ here. Got any more tips?’

    The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. ‘See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.’ The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

    ‘No,’ said the old-timer. ‘I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.’

    ‘Will that make me a better gunfighter?’ asked the young man.

    ‘No,’ said the old-timer, ‘but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, well, he’s gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won’t hurt as much.’

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  • The Walk Home

    A man is walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says. He’s never been with a prostitute before, but he decides, what the hell.

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    They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden, a light flashes on them. It’s a policeman.

    “What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.

    “I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.

    “Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop. “I didn’t know.”

    “Well,” says the man, “to tell the truth, neither did I until you flashed that light on her face.”

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  • The Devil’s Three Wishes

    A man spent years worshipping the Devil.

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    The Devil finally showed up and offered him three wishes.

    “First wish,” the man said. “I want a thousand more wishes.”

    “Doesn’t work like that.”

    “Fine. Turn your trident into a toothpick.”

    The Devil sighed and did it.

    “Second wish. Stick that toothpick up your ass.”

    He stared at the man for a long moment, then did that too.

    “Now give me a thousand wishes,” the man said, “or my third wish is that the toothpick turns back into a trident.”

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  • Fred’s Annual Physical

    Fred is eighty years old and has just had his annual physical. His doctor is, as always, very impressed at Fred’s level of fitness. Fred explains:

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    “Ever since I was young, my faith in God has helped me with the discipline needed to keep at it. As I age, the Lord keeps guiding me in many ways. For instance, when I get up to pee at night, the Lord turns the bathroom light on, and when I’m done, the Lord turns the bathroom light off.”

    After Fred leaves, the doctor is a little concerned about what may be a hallucination, so he calls Fred’s wife.

    “Fred is in great shape as always, but he said one thing that concerned me. He said when he gets up to pee at night, the Lord turns the bathroom light on, and when he’s done, the Lord turns the bathroom light off. Do you know what that means?”

    “Yes, it means he’s pissing in the fridge again!”

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  • Goofy Has a Son

    Goofy Has a Son

    nervabeacon

    Goofy is the only classic Disney character who has had sex.

    Mickey has nephews, Donald has nephews, Goofy has a son.

    And he wasn’t adopted, he looks just like him.

    Goofy… has had sex.
    Goofy… has known a woman biblically.

    Imagine what it must’ve looked like.
    Imagine what it sounded like.

    These are the things I think about when I wake up in the middle of the night, drenched in sweat.

    GA-HYUK.

  • The Difference Between a Lamborghini and a Dead Hooker

    What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead hooker?

    I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

  • A Friend of Mine Had a Penis Extension

    A friend of mine had a penis extension.

    And now his house looks stupid.

  • The Bar Menu

    A man walks into a bar.

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    Upon sitting down, a busty blonde waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some food.

    He looks up at the menu above the bar.

    It says, “Hot Dog $2, Cheeseburger $5, Handjob $10.”

    He asks the waitress, “Miss, are you the one who gives the handjobs?”

    She winks and replies, “Why, yes, I am.”

    He says, “Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger.”

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