My shopping list has only Splenda and toilet paper on it. I think that’s a metaphor for my mood: artificial sweetener and shit.
Meh Thoughts
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I’m sick of lying in bed and playing with myself all day long. I
I’m sick of lying in bed and playing with myself all day long. I suppose I need to find someone to do that for me.
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Try again, Einstein
Day after day, the same guy keeps taking my favorite parking space at work, so I keep keying the sides of his car. And each morning, he shows up again with it painted a new color and with a different license plate, just to confuse me. Ha! Try again, Einstein!
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I’m developing a “super fast-acting” laxative for all of us
I’m developing a “super fast-acting” laxative for all of us ultra-busy people. So far I only have the marketing campaign: “Colonow — ’cause you got shit to do!”
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If we don’t carefully conserve our valuable cheap joke reserves, soon we’ll find they’ve
If we don’t carefully conserve our valuable cheap joke reserves, soon we’ll find they’ve gone the way of the dildo.
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Motherfucker, stand back while I BLOW YOUR MIND. – Why I’m not
Motherfucker, stand back while I BLOW YOUR MIND. – Why I’m not allowed to play trains with my niece
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Freud once said, “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.” Does that
Freud once said, “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.” Does that mean the rest of the time he was smoking a penis?
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end my workout with a money shot
end my workout with a money shot.
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20 minutes looking for a golf ball
“What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?”
“I’ll spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.”
