I don’t think I’ll get that promotion after all. During my annual performance review, my boss spent most of the time beating me on the head with a yachting cap like the Skipper did Gilligan.
Meh Thoughts
-
Yoga mats aren’t designed to accommodate a guy’s balls. Remove
Yoga mats aren’t designed to accommodate a guy’s balls. Remove them and give them to the woman who brought you there for safe keeping.
-
Johnny Depp advised me to always namedrop, even if I have to lie about knowing the person.
Johnny Depp advised me to always namedrop, even if I have to lie about knowing the person.
-
The doctor says I’m allergic to artificial flowers.
The doctor says I’m allergic to artificial flowers. I asked him for a cure and he prescribed me a placebo.
-
My grandfather lived to be over 100 years old, but I still feel that in an important way
My grandfather lived to be over 100 years old, but I still feel that in an important way he died too soon. If he could have waited until later in the week, I could’ve used the funeral to string together a three day weekend.
-
Got in Treble
Why was the musician arrested? He got in treble.
-
My girlfriend gave me a musical condom that plays a piccolo minuet.
My girlfriend gave me a musical condom that plays a piccolo minuet. I think she’s trying to tell me something.
-
You’re Much Bigger Than That
My wife told me, “Don’t get upset if someone calls you fat.”
“You’re much bigger than that.”
-
If GOP candidate Mike Huckabee’s is elected president, he plans to build a fence to keep
If GOP candidate Mike Huckabee’s is elected president, he plans to build a fence to keep the aliens out of the U.S. Maybe I’m the moron here, but it seems that once you manage to traverse the entire galaxy, it’s unlikely that eight feet of chain link is going to stop you.
-
The Vastness of Space
If you think about the vastness of space, and how enormous our galaxy is, and how big our planet is, and how small we are, I’m not really eating all that much cheese.
