After I won the lottery, my family and friends told me they’re worried I might not be mature enough to handle all that money wisely and end up just blowing it on something stupid. That’s total nonsense. Besides, what do I care what they think? I’m lighting my farts with hundred-dollar bills!
Meh Thoughts
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Apparently, making love to your gin and tonic will get you thrown out of most bars, if
Apparently, making love to your gin and tonic will get you thrown out of most bars, if not arrested. Thanks for nothing, Billy Joel. R.M. Weiner
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I’m not sure why celebrities cheating on their spouses is newsworthy.
I’m not sure why celebrities cheating on their spouses is newsworthy. A guy at work cheated on his wife and the only reason it made the news at all was because she apparently sucks at hiding bodies.
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Still Wouldn’t Tell Me Why It Crossed the Road
I grilled a chicken for two hours…
Still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road.
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Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach him to fish instead of hooking him with the first of 14 volumes of your DVD series “How to Catch Fi$h and Make Millions!!” and you just gave away a nice revenue stream, Dinkwad.
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I don’t want to be an alarmist, but what the hell else can you do with this crappy Clock
I don’t want to be an alarmist, but what the hell else can you do with this crappy Clock Radio Tech degree from DeVry?
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Take Something for My Kleptomania
I thought about trying to take something for my kleptomania, but that sort of defeats the purpose, then, doesn’t it?
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A tip for making any Dr. Seuss book tolerable for adults: Try to
A tip for making any Dr. Seuss book tolerable for adults: Try to find as many pictures of genitalia in the illustrations as you can.
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ID Theft
My friend David has just been a victim of ID theft.
He’s now called Dav.
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Thank God for Ruminations. I’ve tried for years to get Heloise
Thank God for Ruminations. I’ve tried for years to get Heloise to publish the following hint: “Tired of sleeping on the wet spot? Keep a hair dryer plugged in next to the bed. One minute on high is all it takes to dry that spot up so you can sleep easy.”
