I often wish I had a time machine, if for no other reason than to go back to the invention of the automatic hand-dryer and lay claim to being the first one to scuff the label to read “Push Butt.”
Meh Thoughts
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When my 7-year-old daughter opened her only Christmas gift and found two baby teeth
When my 7-year-old daughter opened her only Christmas gift and found two baby teeth inside, she ran upstairs bawling. Funny, that’s *all* she raved about wanting last year.
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When my kid does something wrong, I ground him.
When my kid does something wrong, I ground him. But the real punishment comes when I connect him to the positive and negative wires.
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Caviar and a Blowjob
What’s the difference between caviar and a blowjob?
No difference — you don’t get either of them at home!
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I figure I’d better get started smoking now.
I figure I’d better get started smoking now. Otherwise in a few years my son might bring home from pre-school a crappy clay-and-elbow-macaroni DVD player.
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The Lesser of Two Evils
My neighbor introduced his wife to me as his “better half.”
I returned the courtesy and introduced my wife as the “lesser of two evils.”
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The Ultimate Rejection
What’s the ultimate rejection?
When you’re masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
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Handshakes: Cannibals’ Party Starter!
What do cannibals serve at the start of a party?
Handshakes. -
Aren’t going to work out
I asked my date to meet me at the gym, but she never showed up…
Guess the two of us aren’t going to work out.
