I just had a great idea: the no-party surprise party! You get a bunch of people together at a friend’s house, turn the lights off, and hide. When they come home, you scare the bejeezus out them, then leave! Also, I guess you could leave them a cake or something to kind of make up for being jerks.
Meh Thoughts
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The cool thing about religion is that when you need a better God, nobody’s stopping you
The cool thing about religion is that when you need a better God, nobody’s stopping you from making one up. /@b0nrmunky
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Big steps
There was a safety meeting at work today…
They asked me, “What steps would you take in case of a fire?”“Big fucking steps.”
Evidently, that was NOT the answer.
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I think if I were a dude, one of the first things I’d figure out
I think if I were a dude, one of the first things I’d figure out would be how not to cum on my own face when I masturbate.
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“I” Before “E”
“I” before “E,” except when your foreign neighbor Keith receives eight counterfeit beige sleighs from weird, feisty, caffeinated weightlifters.
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If life gives you lemons, make a delicious lemonade.
If life gives you lemons, make a delicious lemonade. If life gives you a tennis bracelet, though, you know life is trying to make up for hitting on your co-workers at the office party.
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That guy Victor, who gets all the spoils?
That guy Victor, who gets all the spoils? I’ll bet his place really stinks.
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Probably something involving bees
If hell is having to watch your worst decisions over and over forever, I really hope they give you a better judgment system than you had when you made those decisions. If they don’t, they’ll have to sit and explain to you why you were wrong. And chances are they still won’t get through to you. Then they’ll have to think up some new punishment. Probably something involving bees.
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I would love to see a female boxer in a “girl fight” at a bar.
I would love to see a female boxer in a “girl fight” at a bar. Nothing shuts up a mouthy drunk chick faster than being knocked unconscious by a professional.
