Man, did I ever screw up with my Craigslist ad. My adventurous girlfriend asked me to organize a gangbang for her; now how the hell do I get all these Crips and Bloods out of my apartment?
Meh Thoughts
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Hiding My Girlfriend’s Inhaler
I sometimes fool my neighbours into thinking I’m good in bed by hiding my girlfriend’s inhaler. They can hear her out of breath shouting “give it to me, just fucking give it to me, pleeeeease give it to me”.
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I like chicks unshaven down there. No woman who can’t even
I like chicks unshaven down there. No woman who can’t even support a colony of crab lice is gonna raise MY kids.
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Hey hey!
Hey hey! Looks like I’m the first person to get out of a speeding ticket faking Ebola! Anyone know a good drycleaners?
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I’m pretty sure hotel room service maids fold the toilet paper into a pointed wedge to
I’m pretty sure hotel room service maids fold the toilet paper into a pointed wedge to make it easier for me to reach my buttcrack.
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Johnny Depp advised me to always namedrop, even if I have to lie about knowing the person.
Johnny Depp advised me to always namedrop, even if I have to lie about knowing the person.
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So which is worse: Telling your wife that her 86-year-old great
So which is worse: Telling your wife that her 86-year-old great aunt “accidentally” touched your junk when you were pity-dancing with her at the wedding reception, or that you cut off your johnson with a plastic knife in the reception hall’s bathroom in order to make sure such a nightmarish vignette never plays out again?
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I scream a lot during sex.
I scream a lot during sex. It really bothers my husband, though, because I scream things like, “I really hate this wallpaper!!”
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I despise it when those jerk perverts call and wake you up in the middle of the night,
I despise it when those jerk perverts call and wake you up in the middle of the night, talk dirty for a few minutes, then hang up. Slow down, Speedy — give a girl time to catch up!
