I despise it when those jerk perverts call and wake you up in the middle of the night, talk dirty for a few minutes, then hang up. Slow down, Speedy — give a girl time to catch up!
Meh Thoughts
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Most people don’t know Santa Claus has a half brother, Ralph
Most people don’t know Santa Claus has a half brother, Ralph Claus, who brings heart-beating-through-yourasshole hangovers on December 26th.
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Stop Biting Our Cheeks by 66
It takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something and we chew food for an average of 25 minutes per day. Using that logic, we will stop biting our cheeks by the age of 66.
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Two Dead Dogs
Last week, my girlfriend’s dog died. So to cheer her up I bought her an identical one. She was livid.
Yelled at me, “What the fuck am I going to do with two dead dogs?”
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How Can I Help Others?
How can I help others unless I first stop them from helping themselves?
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Good Buoy
I took my dog to the lake today and noticed he floats very well.
He’s a very good buoy.
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One advantage of our entire class of 1978 failing math is that we can pretty much show
One advantage of our entire class of 1978 failing math is that we can pretty much show up at any class reunions we choose.
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I don’t know the right response for when my wife shows me her new hairdo, but so far
I don’t know the right response for when my wife shows me her new hairdo, but so far I’ve ruled out “What on earth happened?” and “Is it windy out?”
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I never follow fashion trends. The way I see it is if the
I never follow fashion trends. The way I see it is if the fashion industry is too afraid to show off their new paisley butt-plug, who needs their opinions?
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I think “totally suckable nipple” is an awesome name for a band!
I think “totally suckable nipple” is an awesome name for a band! But yes, I agree, it wasn’t the best choice for the elementary school chorus.
