I think the strongest argument in favor of intelligent design is that every time you poop, it comes out looking like poop, never something random like a flower or a hedgehog.
Meh Thoughts
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Inside me there is a thin, blonde, glamourous woman.
Inside me there is a thin, blonde, glamourous woman. But that’s just because I lost a bet at sorority party and had to eat a Barbie doll.
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Mattresses Prefer Overweight People
Why do mattresses prefer overweight people?
They leave a big impression.
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Best Costume
A sure-fire way to win “best costume” at the next Halloween party is to have somebody embed a real chainsaw blade into your shoulder.
Timing is crucial, though — you don’t want to pass out from loss of blood after 10 minutes, long before the costume judging begins, like I did.
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Women can be so damned picky.
Women can be so damned picky. How was I supposed to know the chocolate hearts she wanted for Valentine’s Day were 100% chocolate and not just chocolate-filled *actual* hearts?
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Two Kinds of Booty
It’s funny how the hip-hop “booty” is different from the old-time pirate “booty” — yet if you have either of them, you can pretty easily get the other.
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My girlfriend is all pissed off because I ruined her Mickey
My girlfriend is all pissed off because I ruined her Mickey Mouse bobblehead. I maintain that with all that alcohol in my system, it looked exactly like a butt plug.
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What Do They Have in Common
What does a burnt pizza, a frozen beer, and a pregnant woman have in common?
Someone forgot to take it out.
