It’s the little things that make life truly worth living. For example: starting and ending the day with the same number of teeth.
Meh Thoughts
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I wonder if before 007 was issued his license to kill, he had a learner’s permit to kill.
I wonder if before 007 was issued his license to kill, he had a learner’s permit to kill. Because that would be pretty embarrassing to have to have an older agent accompany you every time you have to shoot someone.
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Still Assembling His Cabinet
Did you hear that the CEO of Ikea was just elected president of Sweden?
He is still assembling his cabinet.
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If you meet a girl just a-walkin’ down the street, singing “Doo
If you meet a girl just a-walkin’ down the street, singing “Doo wah diddy-diddy, dum diddy do,” snapping her fingers and shuffling her feet, she’s probably not exactly right in the head, and you’re better off not making her acquaintance. Unless she’s got big tits. REALLY big tits.
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Surprise Countdown: The Ultimate Plot Twist!
If I ever blow up a building, I’m going to wire the bomb so that it goes off with 10 seconds still showing on the timer.
Won’t that guy with the wire cutters be surprised!
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A pain in the ass
My wife and I tried anal.
She loved it, but for me, it was a pain in the ass. -
I think I could be a Jedi, but so far, I can only get the Force to work on grocery-
I think I could be a Jedi, but so far, I can only get the Force to work on grocery- store doors and hand-towel dispensers.
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My boyfriend’s diabetes is so bad that when I dressed as Candy
My boyfriend’s diabetes is so bad that when I dressed as Candy the Stripper for Halloween, he refused to eat me.
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Sure, I robbed that bank. I heard that cute bank teller fingered
Sure, I robbed that bank. I heard that cute bank teller fingered lots of suspects in the past.
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My wife says I’m unsophisticated and uncultured, so to prove her wrong, guess where I’m
My wife says I’m unsophisticated and uncultured, so to prove her wrong, guess where I’m taking her? Hint: It starts with “B” and rhymes with “wallet.”
