Butterflies are free — around the world costs an extra fifty bucks.
Meh Thoughts
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The other day, I was reminded of the old cowboy saying that goes, “You can fry a fish in
The other day, I was reminded of the old cowboy saying that goes, “You can fry a fish in a pan of gunpowder, but that don’t make it AHHHHHHH, MY CHAPS ARE ON FIRE!!!” I can’t quite remember what made me think of it, but I recall I was texting on the highway at the time.
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Boyfriends are like used car salesmen: They lie, they scam, and
Boyfriends are like used car salesmen: They lie, they scam, and they fuck your brains out in the backseat.
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Man Wanted for Robbery
I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”
So I went in and applied for the job.
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A four-chin teller
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller. -
’Twas the Night Before Christmas
’Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring due to the carbon monoxide being given off by the defective space heater.
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I can’t decide who’s the bigger geek, the person who used “FF0000” for the vanity plate
I can’t decide who’s the bigger geek, the person who used “FF0000” for the vanity plate on their red car, or me because I knew that FF0000 is the hexadecimal value for red.
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I just joined a new fast-audio book club.
I just joined a new fast-audio book club. We listen to standard audio books, but save time by just fast-forwarding through them to the end. I finished “The Great Gatsby” in 20 minutes. It’s an extremely overrated novel about a lot of high-pitched chirping noises.
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Nothing takes the sexy out of a fresh set of bed sheets faster
Nothing takes the sexy out of a fresh set of bed sheets faster than a schmear of butt-mustard left behind by the cat.
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Still Wouldn’t Tell Me Why It Crossed the Road
I grilled a chicken for two hours…
Still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road.
