Meh Thoughts: Dark Shower Thoughts & One-Liners

People Magazine and the Sexiest Man

Hey, People Magazine! Unless you’re worried about angry letters from necrophiliacs, you can just say “Sexiest Man.”

I asked my Scottish friend how many sexual partners he’s had.

He started counting but soon fell asleep.

My wife emailed me the pictures from our first trip together, but I couldn’t open any of the files.

I always have trouble with emotional attachments.

Why is a small cruise ship like a guy suffering from premature ejaculation?

Both of them only need a couple of tugs.

How do you respond to someone calling you a grammar Nazi?

You call them antisemantic!

Poop jokes aren’t my favorite kind of jokes.

But they are a solid number two.

You’d think snails would be faster without their shells.

But they’re actually a bit more sluggish.

My wife thinks our friend is lying when he claimed that he scaled Mount Everest, but I disagree.

I think he made it up.

My kids asked if they could have a dance party in the neighbor’s vegetable garden. I’m like, “Uh, why?”

“Because they lettuce turnip the beets.”

I was going to tell you a joke about a dwarf felon walking down a set of stairs.

But it’s a little condescending.