Tone: absurd

Absurd jokes, weird logic, surreal memes, and nonsense that somehow files taxes from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • The Five Penguins in the Back Seat

    Guy pulls up to a gas station, and the attendant notices there are 5 penguins in the back seat.

    Attendant says, “WTF — you have 5 penguins in your back seat.”

    “I KNOW!” the guy says. “They jumped in at the light, and now I don’t know what to do.”

    Attendant thinks for a second and says, “I’ll tell you what I’d do — I’d take them to the zoo.”

    “That’s a great idea!” says the driver.

    A week later, same driver pulls in with the same 5 penguins, only now they’re wearing sunglasses.

    “What are you doing — I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!” exclaims the attendant.

    “We did go! We had a great time! Today we’re going to the beach!”

  • The Duck Hunter and the Farmer

    A guy from the city decides he wants to go duck hunting. He’s out for several days before he even catches sight of a duck. Finally, he sees the perfect duck, takes aim, and fires. The duck falls, hits a barn, and goes into a farmer’s yard.

    The hunter climbs over the fence and goes into the farmer’s yard to get the duck. As soon as the hunter bends over to pick up the duck, this huge farmer comes out of the house. He takes one look at the hunter and says, “What are you doing in my yard?”

    The hunter points at the duck and says, “I’ve come to get the duck. It’s my duck.”

    The farmer says, “That’s not your duck. This is my yard. That duck fell and hit my barn.”

    The hunter is not about to give up the duck. He says, “That’s not your duck. I shot the duck. I’ve been out hunting for a couple of days. Give me a break. You know, I’m from the city.”

    The farmer says, “You’re from the city? Well, you don’t understand about how property works in the country, do you? This is my property. It’s my duck. But, I’m a fair guy, so I’ll give you a chance to get the duck by settling our disagreement country style.”

    The hunter says, “Country style?”

    The farmer nods, a great big smile on his face, and says, “Yeah. Country style.”

    The hunter frowns and asks, “How do you settle it country style?”

    The farmer’s smile gets even wider, and he says, “I kick you in the groin. And then you kick me in the groin. And we take turns kicking each other in the groin. Whoever’s left standing keeps the duck.”

    The hunter does not like the sound of that, but he wants the duck. So he says, “Well, if that’s what I have to do.”

    The farmer nods and says, “I go first.” He hauls off and…WHACK. He kicks the hunter square in the groin. The hunter falls to the ground, clutching his groin and moaning in pain.

    After several minutes of rolling around in the dirt, the hunter manages to climb back up to his feet. He takes a deep breath and says, “Okay. I guess it’s my turn.”

    The farmer shrugs and says, “You can have the duck.”

  • The Detective Training Test

    A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives…

    To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guy a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

    The first guy answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”

    The policeman says, “Well…uh…that’s because the picture I showed is his side profile.”

    Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

    The second guy smiles, flips his hair, and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!”

    The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it’s a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”

    Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” He quickly adds, “Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”

    The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “The suspect wears contact lenses.”

    The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

    “Well, that’s an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.” He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file on his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

    “Wow! I can’t believe it. It’s TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”

    “That’s easy,” the third guy replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”

  • The Soldier Who Broke Cover

    A sergeant yelled at one of his soldiers, “Why did you blow your cover and run out of the bushes?”

    “Sorry, sir. I didn’t move when the dog peed on me. I didn’t move when a snake crawled over me.”

    Sergeant: “Then what happened?”

    “Well sir, two squirrels ran up my pants, and one said, ‘Let’s eat one now, and save the other for winter!’ That’s when I lost it!”

  • The Priest, the Nun, and the Golf Game

    A priest and a nun are playing golf when the priest badly misses his shot, leaving himself blocked by trees and in deep rough.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    Frustrated, the priest grumbles, “Fuck I missed.”

    The nun, taken aback, says to the priest, “Father, you are a man of the cloth. You shouldn’t speak that way.”

    Annoyed, the priest brushes off the nun and tries to recover with his next shot rather than punching the ball back into the fairway. He takes a big swing, makes great contact, and almost succeeds with the high-risk shot, but winds up short and deeply embedded in the sand trap. Immediately, he exclaims even louder, “Fuck I missed!”

    This time the nun isn’t having it, so she turns to him and says, “Father, if you continue to speak like that, may God strike you down!”

    The priest brushes it off again with a “Yeah, sure, whatever,” and proceeds to try to blast the ball out of the sand trap but barely moves it a few inches, this time shouting, “Fuck I missed!”

    Almost immediately the sky darkens and clouds roll in. A low rumble builds and a thick bolt of lightning comes crashing from the sky, vaporizing the nun right where she stands!

    Then a deep voice from the clouds exclaims, “FUCK… I missed!”

  • The Talking Cow and the Carburetor

    There was a salesman whose car broke down on a country road. He opened the hood and was looking at the engine trying to figure what was wrong.

    All of a sudden he hears a voice say, “It’s the carburetor.”

    He looks around and there is only a cow in the area. Looking back at the engine he hears the voice say again, “It’s the carburetor.”

    He realizes it’s the cow! He asks the cow to speak again and the cow obliges, “I’ve told you twice it’s the carburetor.”

    The salesman runs down the road, finds a farmer and says excitedly, “That cow in the field over there can talk! It was telling me what’s wrong with my car!”

    The farmer looks at the salesman and says, “Don’t pay any attention to that cow, it doesn’t know anything about cars.”