Tone: absurd

Signs Your Neighbor is a Playboy Playmate

~ You get an angry phone call at 2 AM describing your barking dog as “a real turn-off.”

~ Every bush in her yard is trimmed in the shape of bunny ears.

~ Your wife forbids you to do yard work.

~ Cops break up loud parties at her place just like anywhere else, but they suck their guts in and pop a few Tic-Tacs before knocking.

~ Your son: “C’mon dad, PLEASE let me camp out in the backyard!”
You: “Son, go home before your wife and kids start to wonder where you are.”

~ The Neighborhood Watch program takes on a whole new meaning, thanks to a bunch of lonely guys with binoculars.

~ Her lawn is kept completely bare on the edges and trimmed neatly down the middle.

~ There’s always a traffic jam on your street when she’s mowing the lawn, and you live on a cul-de-sac.

~ You’ve spoken with her hundreds of times but still have no idea what color her eyes are — or if she even *has* any.

~ Attendance at your neighborhood barbecue skyrockets after she announces she’ll “bring the buns.”

~ After helping her trim her trees, your husband brings home more wood than you can handle.

~ There are so many 13-year-olds mowing her lawn it sounds like the Indy 500.

~ You have a steady stream of teenage boys asking if you’d like your walk shoveled. In August. In Los Angeles.

~ Her occupation is listed clearly as “Playboy Playmate” on the restraining order she just took out against you.

~ Your local Domino’s new guarantee: “Your pizza is there in four minutes or less, or your neighbor can spank us like naughty, naughty little boys!”