Tone: absurd

Absurd jokes, weird logic, surreal memes, and nonsense that somehow files taxes from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Top 16 Reasons Last Nights Date Was a Failure

    The Top 16 Reasons Last Night’s Date Was a Failure

    16. Two words: Crying Game

    15. Putting chopsticks in your nose doesn’t go over so well since you hit the big four-oh.

    14. You woke up in a tu-tu, a bra and scuba flippers – but where the hell is your hockey mask?

    13. Losing that Happy Meal prize to your date in an arm-wrestling contest kind of put a damper on the rest of the evening.

    12. You roll over and find a naked Ed Asner next to you.

    11. You brought flowers and candy, she brought a lawyer and a restraining order.

    10. O.J. Simpson mask definitely not a big hit.

    9. Her job as an Elvis impersonator didn’t bother you until you discovered the sideburns are real.

    8. You didn’t feel the earth move, but you learned an awful lot about life insurance.

    7. Severe paper cuts from that popcorn-box trick forced you to go to the emergency room alone.

    6. Everything was going great until the conversation shifted to rejected names for hurricanes.

    5. The only tongue you got was at the deli counter.

    4. A generally accepted rule of thumb is that your date should have the same number of digits after the date as before.

    3. Your date’s position as environmental spokesperson really kept you from enjoying your porpoise sandwich.

    2. You were only being honest, Gene Hackman in drag *is* arousing

    1. Dinner reservations at House of Beans.

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  • Top 16 Signs Your Penis is a Finger

    The Top 16 Signs Your Penis is a Finger

    16. “But officer, she asked for directions!”

    15. You’re the only guy at your gym who’s got a French manicure between his legs.

    14. Your wedding ring keeps falling off in the shower.

    13. Restraining order keeps you out of Yellow Pages offices nationwide.

    12. “Not tonight, baby — I’ve got a hangnail.”

    11. Madge calls the cops when she discovers you soaking in the Palmolive.

    10. Your rabbi is also your manicurist.

    9. A few words into your “I did not have sexual relations” finger-wagging speech, Helen Thomas faints dead away.

    8. Getting to third base is now a ground-rule home run.

    7. You now get arrested for giving someone the finger — even in New York City.

    6. Millions of pianists in the world, but there are chords that only *you* can play.

    5. Aunt Norma won’t let you play “Chopsticks” at the family reunion anymore.

    4. You sprout wood every time someone cuts you off in traffic.

    3. Even Fox has to go to commercial when you throw your knuckleball.

    2. Your nose-picking habit is cured — and your belly button is squeaky clean!

    1. “With this ring I thee– HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!!”

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

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  • Top 16 Worst Breakup Excuses

    The Top 16 Worst Breakup Excuses

    16. “Ow… I banged my head! That really hurt! Hey… who are YOU?”

    15. “I’m sorry, but there just isn’t room in my life right now for both you and my vibrator.”

    14. “I’ve got this disease… it’s called herpigonasyphalaids. Very contagious.”

    13. “You’re too young for me. I mean, too *old*. We’re the same age? Well, that doesn’t work for me, either.”

    12. “We’re just so different, you and I. You’re an extrovert, I’m an introvert. I like classical, you like heavy metal. And of course *I’m* not a physically repulsive raving psychopath.”

    11. “You’ve gone from ‘sponge-worthy’ to merely ‘spongy.’”

    10. “Dear Christine: By the time you read this I’ll be a woman…”

    9. “I have early-onset onanism.”

    8. “You’re no longer the wealthy, gullible, and desperately lonely man I fell in love with.”

    7. “My penis, uh, fell off, and I, er, lost it… yeah — on the subway, I think.”

    6. “Less filling? LESS FILLING??? I don’t even know who you ARE anymore!”

    5. “My dog is having puppies and I need to take a year off in order to train them to attack your picture.”

    4. “It’s not *you*, it’s me. Specifically, me would like to sleep with your sister.”

    3. “I had lunch at the Hunan Palace today and according to the place mat, you’re a snake and I’m a mongoose.”

    2. “We just don’t have anything in common anymore — you’re a morning person, and I want to see your severed head impaled on a steel railroad spike.”

    1. “I’m holding you back from all the other lives you could be ruining.”

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

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  • Top 13 Signs Youre Taking Your Breakup Too Hard

    The Top 13 Signs You’re Taking Your Breakup Too Hard

    13. The tears flow in the produce section as the sight of two perfect cantaloupes bring memories of her flooding back.

    12. You keep calling his old number in the Oval Office, even though you know that new dumb guy always picks up.

    11. You don’t know what you’d do if you didn’t have your dotcom stocks to console y– uh-oh.

    10. You keep mailing her threatening letters because her restraining orders smell like her.

    9. Even your therapist suggests that you “take the manly route of suicide.”

    8. You start writing country songs… and the country is Bosnia.

    7. You ask your pastor if it’s improper to have a funeral for your penis.

    6. You’re too depressed to get out of bed and stalk her.

    5. Keeping a stained dress: Tacky
    Using it to clone an army of SuperPresidents: Creepy

    4. You haven’t returned any of Rupert Murdoch’s calls about appearing on “Who Wants to Catch a Multimillionaire on the Rebound?”

    3. Inspired by a combination of true love and a court order, you’re always just over 50 yards away.

    2. “All your albums are belong to me!”

    1. You cry every time you take a leak, because *she* used to take a leak.

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

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  • Top 12 Pickup Lines at the Masturbate-a-Thon

    The Top 12 Pickup Lines Used at the Masturbate-a-Thon

    12. “Doesn’t it seem strange to be doing this? I mean, without a keyboard in front of you?”

    11. “So, I hear you’re looking for a colossal jerk.”

    10. “Excuse me — I could use a hand over here.”

    9. “Doubles, anyone?”

    8. “So what time do you get off?”

    7. “This reminds me of Hands Across America. Only slimier.”

    6. “Are you finished with that?”

    5. “Good choice! The SuperSchlong 6000 was a Consumer Reports Best Buy.”

    4. “This is just a microcosm of life… oh, sorry about that — I’m waxing philosophical.”

    3. “Hello, handsome! I will be your father figure….”

    2. “Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?”

    1. “Can you help me out? I’m blind — and extremely confused right now.”

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  • Caught In Bed With My Board

    These two guys had just gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again. They got up there and went into a trader’s store and told him, “Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year.”

    The trader got the gear together and on top of each one’s supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole. The guys said, “What’s that board for?”

    The trader said, “Well, where you’re going there are no women and you might need this.”

    They said, “No way! We’ve sworn off women for life!”

    The trader said, “Well, take the boards with you, and if you don’t use them I’ll refund your money next year.”

    “Okay,” they said and left.

    Next year this guy came into the trader’s store and said, “Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year.”

    The trader said, “Weren’t you in here last year with a partner?”

    “Yeah,” said the guy.

    “Where is he?” asked the trader.

    “I shot him,” said the guy.

    “Why?”

    “I caught him in bed with my board.”

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  • My Butt on the Account

    My mouth keeps writing checks my butt can’t cash, so I got my butt on the account, too. Unfortunately, it tends to blurt out my account number at inopportune times, like it did when I was applying for a mortgage last week. At least that’s what I told the loan agent.

  • Signs Your Neighbor is a Playboy Playmate

    Signs Your Neighbor is a Playboy Playmate

    ~ You get an angry phone call at 2 AM describing your barking dog as “a real turn-off.”

    ~ Every bush in her yard is trimmed in the shape of bunny ears.

    ~ Your wife forbids you to do yard work.

    ~ Cops break up loud parties at her place just like anywhere else, but they suck their guts in and pop a few Tic-Tacs before knocking.

    ~ Your son: “C’mon dad, PLEASE let me camp out in the backyard!”
    You: “Son, go home before your wife and kids start to wonder where you are.”

    ~ The Neighborhood Watch program takes on a whole new meaning, thanks to a bunch of lonely guys with binoculars.

    ~ Her lawn is kept completely bare on the edges and trimmed neatly down the middle.

    ~ There’s always a traffic jam on your street when she’s mowing the lawn, and you live on a cul-de-sac.

    ~ You’ve spoken with her hundreds of times but still have no idea what color her eyes are — or if she even *has* any.

    ~ Attendance at your neighborhood barbecue skyrockets after she announces she’ll “bring the buns.”

    ~ After helping her trim her trees, your husband brings home more wood than you can handle.

    ~ There are so many 13-year-olds mowing her lawn it sounds like the Indy 500.

    ~ You have a steady stream of teenage boys asking if you’d like your walk shoveled. In August. In Los Angeles.

    ~ Her occupation is listed clearly as “Playboy Playmate” on the restraining order she just took out against you.

    ~ Your local Domino’s new guarantee: “Your pizza is there in four minutes or less, or your neighbor can spank us like naughty, naughty little boys!”

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  • Pure Bread Horse

    Pure Bread Horse

    I have always wanted to own a pure bread horse

  • Hitler Video Games

    Hitler Video Games

    September 1st, 1939 (colorized) Hitler playing his first video games that caused him to be violent and start WW2.