Everything was fine until the crabs arrived.
That’s when things started to go sideways.
Tone: absurd
Absurd jokes, weird logic, surreal memes, and nonsense that somehow files taxes from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Cut Off But Still Calling!
Jesus is hanging on the cross and calls out to one of his apostles…
“Peter, Peter!” Jesus cries.
Peter, down at the bottom of Calvary Hill, hears his Lord’s call and runs as fast as he can toward the sound of the voice. He ducks and weaves through the crowd until he’s spotted by a Roman soldier. The soldier cuts Peter’s left arm off and kicks him back down the hill.
Jesus calls out again, his voice weakening: “Peter, Peter.”
Though weak himself from his injury, Peter gets to his feet and begins up the hill again. Peter makes it past the first soldier and a bit farther up the hill when a second Roman soldier cuts off Peter’s other arm and kicks him back down the hill. Peter lies bleeding out when he hears the weakening voice of Jesus yet again.
“Peter… Peter,” Jesus beckons.
Peter musters his strength and stands. He begins his third attempt at climbing the hill. The first soldier is occupied and doesn’t notice Peter. The second soldier is busy beating another man. But when Peter is just about to reach the foot of the cross, a third soldier draws his sword, cuts off Peter’s left leg, and kicks him back down the hill. Peter, now nearly dead, hears Jesus call out one last time.
Now just a whisper, Jesus calls, “Peter… Peter…”
Peter, now looking more like a snake than a man, begins slithering his way back up the hill on his belly. The first, second, and third soldiers take no notice of Peter while he slowly makes his way through the blood and the mud. Peter can feel his strength waning as he finally reaches the top of the hill. Peter collapses at the foot of the cross and calls out to his Lord, “My Lord Jesus, why dost thou beckon me?”
Jesus gazes down upon his faithful apostle and says, “Peter, Peter… I can see your house from up here.”
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Okay, who farted?
Three guys from San Francisco are in a hot tub when suddenly a large blob of semen rises to the top.
One of the guys stands up, angry, and asks, “Okay, WHO farted?” -
Duct Tape: The Ultimate Duck Catcher!
An old man is sitting on his porch and sees a kid walking by carrying a roll of duct tape.
The old guy yells out, “Hey kid! Where are you going with that duct tape?”
“Gonna catch me some ducks!” says the kid.
“What? You can’t catch ducks with duct tape!” he yells back, but the kid continues on his way.
A couple hours later, the kid is walking back the other way, carrying four ducks wrapped up in duct tape. The old man can’t believe it.
The next day, the old guy is sitting on his porch again and sees the kid walking by. This time, he’s got a roll of chicken wire under his arm.
The old guy yells out, “Hey kid! Where are you going with that chicken wire?”
“Gonna catch me some chickens!” says the kid.
“Seriously? You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!” he yells back, but once again the kid just continues on his way.
Later that day, the kid walks back the other way and, sure enough, he’s got a half-dozen chickens wrapped up in the chicken wire. The old guy is astounded.
The next day, once again, the old guy is sitting out on his porch and sees the kid walking in front of his house.
He yells out, “Hey kid, what’ve you got under your arm there?”
“Pussywillow!” says the kid.
“…Hang on, I’ll go get my hat.”
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Yoda’s Secret Last Name Revealed!
Yoda’s last name…
Is obviously “Layheehoo”
