If you came here expecting me to drop some awesome Star Wars puns today…
I’m afraid you’re looking in Alderaan places.
Tone: Clever
Clever humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Seeing Someone on the Side
My buddy used to date a cross-eyed girl until he found out she was seeing someone on the side.
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The Silent Debate
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all Jews must convert to Catholicism or leave Italy.
The Jewish community protested, so the Pope offered a deal: he would have a religious debate with a representative of the Jewish community.
If the Jews won, they could stay. If the Pope won, they would have to convert or leave.
The Jewish community chose an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them.
However, since the Rabbi spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed to conduct a silent debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat across from each other.
The Pope raised his hand and held up three fingers.
The Rabbi responded by holding up one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger in a circle around his head.
The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The Rabbi reached into his bag and pulled out an apple.
At that, the Pope stood up and declared himself defeated. The Rabbi, he said, was too clever.
The Jews could stay in Italy!
Later, the cardinals gathered and asked the Pope what had happened.
The Pope said, “First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded with one finger to remind me that there is only one God shared by both our beliefs.
Then I circled my finger around my head to show that God is everywhere. He pointed to the ground to show that God is also right here with us.
Finally, I presented the wine and wafer to represent salvation. He produced an apple to remind me of original sin. He bested me at every turn, and I could not continue.”
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered around the Rabbi and asked how he had won.
“I don’t have a clue,” the Rabbi said.
“First, he told me we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.
Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here.”
“And then what?” someone asked.
“I don’t know,” said the Rabbi. “He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!”
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On the One Hand But On the Other
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.
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Password Rejected
A female secretary was helping her new boss set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with. Wanting to embarrass his new secretary a bit and let her know where they stood, he smugly told her to enter ‘penis.’ Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password. She then almost died laughing at the computer’s response: PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH!
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The New Rules
A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady.
After the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
“I’ll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want — and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?”
His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night… whether you’re here or not.”
