Tone: crude

Crude humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Three Pregnant Women at the Bar

    Three women were sitting in a bar, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. They were all pregnant.

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    The brunette says, “I know what I’m going to have.” The other two asked how.

    She replied, “Well, I was on top when I conceived, so I will have a baby boy.”

    The redhead said, “If your logic is correct, then I will have a baby girl because I was on the bottom when I conceived.”

    The blonde starts crying and orders another shot and starts screaming, “PUPPIES, PUPPIES!”

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  • The Height of a Flagpole

    Two blondes are trying to estimate the height of a flagpole.

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    A builder walks past and they explain their problem. He says, “That’s simple, ladies, watch this.”

    He unbolts it, lies it flat and measures it. One blonde says to the other blonde, “What a DICK, need to know the height not the fkn length.”

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  • A Guy Comes Home from Work

    A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger banging his wife.

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    The guy says, “Hey! What the hell is going on here!?!”

    And his wife says to the stranger, “See? I told you he was stupid.”

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  • The Last Body of the Day

    A mortician is working on the last body of the day before he’s going to call it quits. He is amazed by the size of this man’s penis.

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    He says to himself, “Well, Mr. Shecky Goldstein, you clearly have the largest penis I have ever seen. I’m going to have to take a photo of this to show to my wife.”

    He takes the photo, finishes up for the day, and goes home. When he sees his wife, he immediately takes out his phone and shows her the photo of the penis.

    She looks aghast, then cries out, “Oh my God, Shecky Goldstein is dead!”

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  • Two Brothers in the Kitchen

    Two brothers, 7 and 5, decide they are old enough to start trying some bad words. They head downstairs to their mum waiting in the kitchen.

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    The oldest says to her, “Hey bitch, get me some Cheerios.” Before he could blink, his mother slaps him across the head and shouts, “What did you say to me?! Go to your room right now and don’t come out!”

    She puts on her best mum smile and turns to the youngest. “Now… What would you like for breakfast this morning?”

    “I dunno, but it sure as fuck ain’t Cheerios!”

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  • Rover and Fifi

    Little Johnnie had a mutt named Rover. The next-door neighbor, little Susie, had a purebred poodle named Fifi. Fifi came in heat and Rover was able to get to her. Little Susie found them and couldn’t get them apart, so she called Johnnie crying about his mangy mutt ruining her prized poodle.

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    Little Johnnie came over, walked around the dogs, stuck his finger in his mouth, then stuck his finger up Rover’s backside. The dogs instantly separated and Rover ran away howling.

    Susie said, “How did you know that would work?”

    Johnnie replied, “Well, old Rover likes to dish it out, but he can’t take it.”

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  • Little Johnny in the Park

    Little Johnny is walking through the park with his father when they see two dogs going at it. Little Johnny points at the dogs and says, “Hey Pop, what’s happening?”

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    “Son, they’re making a puppy.”

    That night Little Johnny walks past his parents’ bedroom and he sees his dad giving it to his mom.

    “Hey Pop, what’s happening now?”

    “Son, we’re making you a baby brother.”

    “Yeah well, flip her over. I’d rather have a puppy!”

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  • Out with Grandmother

    A little girl was out with her grandmother when they came across two dogs mating on the sidewalk.

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    “What are they doing?” asked the girl. The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said: “The dog on top hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying it to the doctor.”

    The girl thought for a moment, and then said: “They are just like people, aren’t they?”

    “What do you mean?” asked Grandma.

    “Offer someone a helping hand,” said the girl, “and they will fuck you every time.”

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  • Two Morticians at Lunch

    Two morticians were out having lunch.

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    The first one said, “I had this one girl yesterday whose clitoris was just like a pickle!”

    “Really!? That big?” said the second.

    “No! That salty!”

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  • Calling In Sick

    A guy calls in sick to work. His boss doesn’t believe him and calls him back.

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    The boss says, “You don’t sound sick.”

    The guy answers, “I’m in bed fucking my sister, is that sick enough for you?”

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