Tone: crude

Crude humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Tied to the Railroad Tracks

    A guy was walking to a bar, and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks. He untied her and they had sex.

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    He gets to the bar. Friends ask why he’s so late. He tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they fucked in.

    Friends give him props and ask if he got head. The guy replies, “I couldn’t find it.”

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  • When you’re about to eat Mexican food

    When you’re about to eat Mexican food

    When you’re about to eat Mexican food and you know somebody else will clean your ass

  • Walking Her to the Front Door

    A guy walks his girlfriend to her front door after a date. He leans lazily against the house.

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    “So?” he says.

    “So?” she replies.

    “So, how about a blowjob?”

    “Are you crazy? My parents might see us!”

    “Come on, who’s going to see us at this hour? I’ll return the favour.”

    “Can you imagine if we got caught? Oh my god, what my father would do to you.”

    “There’s no one around. They’re all asleep.”

    “No way, it’s far too risky.”

    “But I love you so much.”

    A light comes on and the front door opens. The girl’s sister appears in her night clothes. She says, “Dad says to go ahead and give him a blowjob. Or I can do it. Or if needs be, he’ll do it himself. But for god’s sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom.”

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  • Cannibal Tribe and the Three Politicians

    A Republican, a Libertarian, and a Democrat are captured by a cannibal tribe in a dense jungle. The tribe chief gives them a final chance to save their lives:

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    “Go into the jungle and bring back ten pieces of any single fruit you can find.”

    The Republican returns first with ten apples.

    The chief says: “Now, if you can shove all ten apples up your ass without making any sound or expression on your face, we won’t eat you.”

    The Republican manages one, but at the second apple, he winces in pain. The tribe eats him.

    The Libertarian returns next with ten tiny berries.

    The chief gives him the same rule.

    The Libertarian gets to the ninth berry with complete silence… but suddenly, right before the tenth one, he bursts out laughing hysterically! The tribe eats him too.

    In heaven, the Republican meets the Libertarian and asks: “Dude, you were so close! Why on earth did you laugh on the last berry?”

    The Libertarian replies: “I couldn’t help it… I saw the Democrat coming back with ten watermelons!”

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  • You Can Always Tell

    You can always tell if a man masturbates a lot by looking at his hands…

    If you look closely, you’ll see a wedding ring.

  • Grandpa Lived to a Hundred

    An annoyed lady approaches Little Johnny after watching him eat a bag of candy for some time.

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    “You know little boy, eating that much candy isn’t good for you!”

    “Oh yeah, well my grandpa lived to be a hundred.”

    “Oh really? But did he eat a lot of candy?”

    “No, but he minded his own fucking business!”

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  • Three Men Comparing How Dumb Their Blonde Wives Are

    Three men were comparing how dumb their blonde wives were.

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    The first man said, “My wife is so dumb, she can’t do math past the third-grade level!”

    The second man said, “Oh yeah? My wife is so dumb, she thinks Cheerios are earrings!”

    The third man said, “I’ve got you both beat! My wife is so dumb, she was packing to go on a girls trip last week, and she must have packed a hundred condoms. And she doesn’t even have a single penis!”

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  • Sexual Consultant

    A redneck tells his buddy, “Hey, I just got a promotion! I’m the boss’s sexual consultant.”

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    His buddy says, “Sexual consultant? How did you get that job?”

    And the redneck says, “I told the boss he should fire Jones in accounting. And the boss said, ‘When I want your fucking advice, I’ll ask for it.’”

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  • Meeting the Parents and the Dog Named Rover

    A young man visits his girlfriend’s house and meets her parents for the first time. He feels a massive urge to pass gas, so he lets a small, quiet one out. The father immediately yells, “Rover!”

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    Thinking the dog took the blame, the man feels bold and lets out a second, louder rip. The father glares and shouts again, “ROVER!”

    Encouraged that his secret is safe, the man lets loose a massive, loud, stinky blast.

    The father yells, “ROVER, GET OUTTA THERE BEFORE HE SHITS ALL OVER YOU!”

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  • My Cousin Walter’s Pet Problem

    A few months ago, my cousin Walter showed up at the emergency room with a cat lodged in his ass.

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    The family decided to write it off as a freak accident and agreed never to mention it again.

    But a few days later, he was back in the hospital! Different cat. Same ass.

    So yesterday, when I saw Walter at the pet store in the mall trying to buy another cat, I stopped him and said:

    “Walter, every cat you buy ends up stuck in your ass. At this point, you have to admit the cats aren’t the problem.”

    Walter sighed and replied:

    “Okay, genius. How the hell do you suggest I get the gerbil out?”

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